28
Speak softly
When you really want your kids to listen, keep your message to a few words and deliver it more quietly than your normal speaking voice. The quieter the voice the bigger the impact.
29
Be consistent
Here is the reason children thrive on consistency: When life is predictable, it makes them feel safe. The best way to end up with dependable kids is for you to model consistency—with rules, with your expectations of them and their responsibilities, and most important, in how you handle your own responsibilities.
30
Do nothing
Sometimes it is best to let situations play out on their own. That means: do not interfere, do not get involved, do not engage. If your children are arguing, let them. If they come to you to complain, respond with a simple, “Oh.” Your kids will learn to sort things out on their own, because they know you are not going to get involved or take sides. Bonus: this will create less sibling rivalry.
31
Be a receptive and active listener
When your son is having a bad day, just listen. You don’t have to jump in with a solution or life lesson, or deliver a speech. All you need to do is be with him the way you would hope your best friend would be with you—with open ears and an open heart. Make it your mission to discover what your child is trying to tell you. Listening is a skill you will get better at the more you do it. Look for facial expressions that may not match what he is actually saying. Then, repeat back in your own words what you think you heard. This kind of validation lets your child know you are really listening and you think his issues are important. You are also helping your child build better communication skills by modeling yours.
Suggested questions to ask:
What do you think about what’s going on?
What do you think you could do?
What could you do differently next time?
What do you wish you had said?
How might you resolve this?
How did what [that person] said or did, make you feel?
32
Ask kids what they think
Rather than just launching into your own opinions about a problem your child is having with a friend or about a situation at school or even about something going on in your lives together, use probing questions to find out where your child stands on the issue. Remember the active listening tip! Everyone likes to know their opinion is valued and needed.
One of the most frustrating aspects of parenting is that there is no school for it. You learn by doing.
—Dr. Elliot Barsh, Pediatrician
CHAPTER 4PERSPECTIVE AND JUDGMENT
33
Don’t cry (or yell) over spilled milk
Accidents happen. If your son knocks over a glass of milk while you’re frantically trying to get dinner on the table, it may seem like a big deal, but it’s not. Keep things light—“Oh, don’t you hate when that happens?”—and throw him a towel, so he can wipe it up. Children falter, as do adults. They get paint on their favorite pants. They lose their most cherished toy—again. Don’t harp on every little mishap. Your child already feels bad enough about those things. Practice cutting your child a break. Not only will this create a happier home, but your accepting attitude will teach your kids to cut themselves (and others) a break when the millions of silly little things that go wrong in life inevitably pop up.
34
Do not compare
Some children are organized. Some children love to read. Some children like having lots of friends. Some children eat anything you put in front of them. Every child has strengths. And, every child has weaknesses. Comparing your child to another, whether it is their friend, their brother, or the son of your high school bestie, does not make them feel good. If you believe your child is falling short in bedroom tidiness, approach the topic directly—talk about their toys on the floor and their unmade bed—rather than making them feel like they are not as good as someone else.
35
Embrace boredom
If your daughter is bored, it does not mean you need to drop whatever you’re doing to entertain her. This is a short-term solution that serves only to let your child know that boredom needs to be fixed, and you are the one who will fix it. Explain that not every moment of every day is scintillating. Remind her that she has the best tool to make anything more interesting: her own imagination. When you help your children learn how to find or make their own fun, they get to have a life where routine or tedious experiences (like doing laundry or waiting in line) are not things to dread, and can even be brain-freeing moments to look forward to.
36
Don’t worry about their college until high school
Your child will probably get into college even if she has not become the best violin player in your time zone by second grade. You will meet parents that try to convince you otherwise, but only because someone already convinced them. Childhood and adolescence are times to try different things and discover what you like. Most kids who are groomed for college through some activity end up hating it by the time they apply. College is just another period in your child’s life; it’s not the end game. If college doesn’t fit into your child’s plans, support the decision to attend a trade school, acquire a specialized certification, or pursue anything else
