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Ignore the judgy parents
Parent opinions vary widely on how to raise children: how kids should dress, which movies they should be able to watch, how much screen time they should be allowed, what they should eat, how they are disciplined in public. The list is endless and exhausting. One day, you will get “the look” from another parent or a group of parents. Remind yourself that your job is not to raise your child based on someone else’s opinions or methods. Be clear about your own values and ignore the rest.
You Might Not Want to Say:
I would never let my kid …
How could you allow your child to …
You shouldn’t …
My kids never/always …
I can’t believe they let their kids …
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Don’t you be judgy either
If you might accidentally be that parent, try and remember that most parents are doing the very best they can. If you believe you have helpful, non-judgmental advice that can be delivered in a non-offensive way—in other words, kindly and with understanding—try it once and see how it goes. If the parent bristles or seems put off, feel free to step away from your Perfect Parent Mission and join the rest of us down here in the trenches.
Instead of: You are such an amazing Lego builder!
Try: You must feel very proud of what you’ve built.
Instead of: You are sooo beautiful!
Try: Your smile gives off so much love.
Instead of: You are the most talented dancer!
Try: It seems like you are really enjoying dancing.
Instead of: Good job!
Try: It looks like you are having so much fun! I can see how hard you were concentrating.
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Monitor praise
Children need an internal voice that lets them know how capable they are. The way they develop that is not by being told repeatedly and excessively they are the best thing that has ever happened to humanity. Use your children’s accomplishments to engage them in developing their own internal voices. As much as possible, avoid phrases like “You are the BEST …,” You are incredible,” or “You are sooo talented!” You want to help build your child’s self-esteem from the inside out, not the outside in.
What separates privilege from entitlement is gratitude.
—Brené Brown
CHAPTER 5GRATITUDE AND ATTITUDE
Before you buy, ask yourself:
- Does my child need this?
- Did my child do something special to earn this?
- Is this a special item better saved to give at a major holiday?
- Is this an item that my child should save up for and buy themselves?
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Don’t overindulge
Overdoing it with toys, clothes, and gifts creates long-term problems. It sets an expectation in our children that they should be showered with “stuff” all the time. In addition to fostering a mindset of instant gratification, it creates children who grow up with a sense of entitlement. Ask yourself why you feel the need to give, give, give. When a child has time to dream about something she wants and must also learn to wait for that thing, it sets the groundwork for lifelong motivation and coping skills. Provide for your children based on your vision of the adults you hope they become.
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Practice empathy
Sympathy is when you feel sorry for someone; it usually leaves the person feeling like a victim. Empathy is when you let someone know you understand, and it leaves them feeling less alone with their troubles. Your 5-year-old son is upset because he got a chocolate cupcake rather than a vanilla cupcake at a birthday party. You do not have to fix things; you simply need to validate them. “Oh sweetie, I can see you are really disappointed. I would feel sad too if I didn’t get my favorite flavor.” Try empathy when your fifth grade daughter does not get the teacher she wants, or your teen cannot wear his favorite jeans, because they are in the laundry. Empathy is an emotion diffuser and a relationship builder.
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Talk about gift-getting
If half your life is spent on picking up, sorting, and storing toys, your child may have enough of them. Before your son’s birthday party invitations go out, assess with him whether he would like to do gifts differently this time. Some gifts can be donated to a homeless shelter. Or he can tell party guests he’s raising money for a local charity and ask them to bring a donation ($7 for a 7-year-old!). Do not force your children to forego the gifts, but offer them the opportunity to experience how giving can be 100 times more satisfying than receiving.
Our Family Would Like to Help:
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Engage in family service projects
Doing service as a family creates connection and closeness. It feels good to help other people, and it feels good to grow up in a family that does it together. Aside from instilling social consciousness and providing for those in need, service work opens your child’s heart in a way few other things can. Find a local community organization to support. Engage children in the discovery. You can serve meals at a shelter or descend on an elderly neighbor’s weedy lawn. There is no shortage of ways to help. And, there are no limits to the benefits of offering service.
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Schedule family donation time
Set aside a few times throughout the year, perhaps at the end of each season, to gather old clothes, linens, toys, and any other items you want to discard, and donate the gently-used items to a local charity. Each family member should find at least a few items of
