Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

blank. Her grades suffered. She disappointed her teachers. She let her parents down. And it was only going to get worse as she faced the College Board tests that the schools she longed to attend prized so highly.

The night before each test, her parents, seeing how distraught she was, tried to build her confidence. “Look, you know how smart you are and we know how smart you are. You’ve got this nailed. Now, stop worrying.”

They were as supportive as they knew how to be, but they were raising the stakes even higher. What could they have said instead?

“It must be a terrible thing to feel that everyone is evaluating you and you can’t show what you know. We want you to know that we are not evaluating you. We care about your learning, and we know that you’ve learned your stuff. We’re proud that you’ve stuck to it and kept learning.”

Messages About Failure

Praising success should be the least of our problems, right? Failure seems like a much more delicate matter. Children may already feel discouraged and vulnerable. Let’s tune in again, this time to the messages parents can send in times of failure.

Nine-year-old Elizabeth was on her way to her first gymnastics meet. Lanky, flexible, and energetic, she was just right for gymnastics, and she loved it. Of course, she was a little nervous about competing, but she was good at gymnastics and felt confident of doing well. She had even thought about the perfect place in her room to hang the ribbon she would win.

In the first event, the floor exercises, Elizabeth went first. Although she did a nice job, the scoring changed after the first few girls and she lost. Elizabeth also did well in the other events, but not well enough to win. By the end of the evening, she had received no ribbons and was devastated.

What would you do if you were Elizabeth’s parents?

Tell Elizabeth you thought she was the best.

Tell her she was robbed of a ribbon that was rightfully hers.

Reassure her that gymnastics is not that important.

Tell her she has the ability and will surely win next time.

Tell her she didn’t deserve to win.

There is a strong message in our society about how to boost children’s self-esteem, and a main part of that message is: Protect them from failure! While this may help with the immediate problem of a child’s disappointment, it can be harmful in the long run. Why?

Let’s look at the five possible reactifrom a mindset point of view—and listen to the messages:

The first (you thought she was the best) is basically insincere. She was not the best—you know it, and she does, too. This offers her no recipe for how to recover or how to improve.

The second (she was robbed) places blame on others, when in fact the problem was mostly with her performance, not the judges. Do you want her to grow up blaming others for her deficiencies?

The third (reassure her that gymnastics doesn’t really matter) teaches her to devalue something if she doesn’t do well in it right away. Is this really the message you want to send?

The fourth (she has the ability) may be the most dangerous message of all. Does ability automatically take you where you want to go? If Elizabeth didn’t win this meet, why should she win the next one?

The last option (tell her she didn’t deserve to win) seems hardhearted under the circumstances. And of course you wouldn’t say it quite that way. But that’s pretty much what her growth-minded father told her.

Here’s what he actually said: “Elizabeth, I know how you feel. It’s so disappointing to have your hopes up and to perform your best but not to win. But you know, you haven’t really earned it yet. There were many girls there who’ve been in gymnastics longer than you and who’ve worked a lot harder than you. If this is something you really want, then it’s something you’ll really have to work for.”

He also let Elizabeth know that if she wanted to do gymnastics purely for fun, that was just fine. But if she wanted to excel in the competitions, more was required.

Elizabeth took this to heart, spending much more time repeating and perfecting her routines, especially the ones she was weakest in. At the next meet, there were eighty girls from all over the region. Elizabeth won five ribbons for the individual events and was the overall champion of the competition, hauling home a giant trophy. By now, her room is so covered with awards, you can hardly see the walls.

In essence, her father not only told her the truth, but also taught her how to learn from her failures and do what it takes to succeed in the future. He sympathized deeply with her disappointment, but he did not give her a phony boost that would only lead to further disappointment.

I’ve met with many coaches and they ask me: “What happened to the coachable athletes? Where did they go?” Many of the coaches lament that when they give their athletes corrective feedback, the athletes grumble that their confidence is being undermined. Sometimes the athletes phone home and complain to their parents. They seem to want coaches who will simply tell them how talented they are and leave it at that.

The coaches say that in the old days after a little league game or a kiddie soccer game, parents used to review and analyze the game on the way home and give helpful (process) tips. Now on the ride home, they say, parents heap blame on the coaches and referees for the child’s poor performance or the team’s loss. They don’t want to harm the child’s confidence by putting the blame on the child.

But as in the example of Elizabeth above, children need honest and constructive feedback. If children are “protected” from it, they won’t learn well. They will experience advice, coaching, and feedback as negative and undermining. Withholding constructive criticism does not help children’s confidence; it harms their future.

CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM: MORE ABOUT FAILURE MESSAGES

We always hear the term constructive criticism. But doesn’t everyone think the criticism they give their children is constructive? Why would they give it if they didn’t think it was helpful? Yet a lot if it is not helpful at all. It’s full of judgment about the child. Constructive means helping the child to fix something, build a better product, or do a better job.

Billy rushed through his homework, skipping several questions and answering the others in a short, sloppy way. His father hit the roof. “This is your homework? Can’t you ever get it right? You are either dense or irresponsible. Which is it?” The feedback managed to question his son’s intelligence and character at the same time and to imply that the defects were permanent.

How could the dad have expressed his frustration and disappointment without assassinating his son’s attributes? Here are some ways.

“Son, it really makes me upset when you don’t do a full job. When do you think you can complete this?”

“Son, is there something you didn’t understand in the assignment? Would you like me to go over it with you?”

“Son, I feel sad when I see you missing a chance to learn. Can you think of a way to do this that would help you learn more?”

“Son, this looks like a really boring assignment. You have my sympathy. Can you think of a way to make it more interesting?” or “Let’s try to think of a way to lessen the pain and still do a good job. Do you have any ideas?”

“Son, remember I told you how tedious things help us learn to concentrate? This one is a real challenge. This will really take all your concentration skills. Let’s see if you can concentrate through this whole assignment!”

Sometimes children will judge and label themselves. Ginott tells of Philip, age fourteen, who was working on a project with his father and accidentally spilled nails all over the floor. He guiltily looked at his dad and said:

PHILIP: Gee, I’m so clumsy.

FATHER: That’s not what we say when nails spill.

PHILIP: What do you say?

FATHER: You say, the nails spilled—I’ll pick them up!

PHILIP: Just like that?

FATHER: Just like that.

PHILIP: Thanks, Dad.

Children Learn the Messages

Kids with the fixed mindset tell us they get constant messages of judgment from their parents. They say they