Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

feel as though their traits are being measured all the time.

We asked them: “Suppose your parents offer to help you with your schoolwork. Why would they do this?”

They said: “The real reason is that they wanted to see how smart I was at the schoolwork I was working on.”

We asked: “Suppose your parents are happy that you got a good grade. Why would that be?”

They said: “They were happy to see I was a smart kid.”

We asked: “Suppose your parents discussed your performance with you when you did poorly on something in school. Why would they do this?”

They said: “They might have been worried I wasn’t one of the bright kids,” and “They think bad grades might mean I’m not smart.”

So every time something happens, these children hear a message of judgment.

Maybe all kids think their parents are judging them. Isn’t that what parents do—nag and judge? That’s not what students with the growth mindset think. They think their parents are just trying to encourage learning and good study habits. Here’s what they say about their parents’ motives:

Q: Suppose your parents offer to help you with your schoolwork. Why would they do this?

A: They wanted to make sure I learned as much as I could from my schoolwork.

Q: Suppose your parents are happy that you got a good grade.

A: They’re happy because a good grade means that I really stuck to my work.

Q: Suppose your parents discussed your performance with you when you did poorly on something in school.

A: They wanted to teach me ways to study better in the future.

Even when it was about their conduct or their relationships, the kids with the fixed mindset felt judged, but the kids with the growth mindset felt helped.

Q: Imagine that your parents became upset when you didn’t do what they asked you to do. Why would they be this way?

FIXED-MINDSET CHILD: They were worried I might be a bad kid.

GROWTH-MINDSET CHILD: They wanted to help me learn ways of doing it better next time.

All kids misbehave. Research shows that normal young children misbehave every three minutes. Does it become an occasion for judgment of their character or an occasion for teaching?

Q: Imagine that your parents were unhappy when you didn’t share with other kids. Why would they be this way?

FIXED-MINDSET CHILD: They thought it showed them what kind of person I was.

GROWTH-MINDSET CHILD: They wanted to help me learn better skills for getting along with other kids.

Children learn these lessons early. Children as young as toddlers pick up these messages from their parents, learning that their mistakes are worthy of judgment and punishment. Or learning that their pickes are an occasion for suggestions and teaching.

Here’s a kindergarten boy we will never forget. You will hear him role-playing different messages from his two parents. This is the situation: He wrote some numbers in school, they contained an error, and now he tells us how his parents would react.

MOTHER: Hello. What are you sad about?

BOY: I gave my teacher some numbers and I skipped the number 8 and now I’m feeling sad.

MOTHER: Well, there’s one thing that can cheer you up.

BOY: What?

MOTHER: If you really tell your teacher that you tried your best, she wouldn’t be mad at you. [Turning to father] We’re not mad, are we?

FATHER: Oh, yes we are! Son, you better go right to your room.

I wish I could tell you he listened to his mother’s growth-oriented message. But in our study, he seemed to heed the judgmental message of his dad, downgrading himself for his errors and having no good plan for fixing them. Yet at least he had his mother’s effort message that he could, hopefully, put to use in the future.

Parents start interpreting and reacting to their child’s behavior at minute one. A new mother tries to nurse her baby. The baby cries and won’t nurse. Or takes a few sucks, gives up, and starts screaming. Is the baby stubborn? Is the baby deficient? After all, isn’t nursing an inborn reflex? Aren’t babies supposed to be “naturals” at nursing? What’s wrong with my baby?

A new mother in this situation told me: “At first I got really frustrated. Then I kept your work in mind. I kept saying to my baby, ‘We’re both learning how to do this. I know you’re hungry. I know it’s frustrating, but we’re learning.’ This way of thinking helped me stay cool and guide her through till it worked. It also helped me understand my baby better so I knew how to teach her other things, too.”

Don’t judge. Teach. It’s a learning process.

CHILDREN PASS ON THE MESSAGES

Another way we know that children learn these messages is that we can see how they pass them on. Even young children are ready to pass on the wisdom they’ve learned. We asked second-grade children: “What advice would you give to a child in your class who was having trouble in math?” Here’s the advice from a child with the growth mindset:

Do you quit a lot? Do you think for a minute and then stop? If you do, you should think for a long time—two minutes maybe and if you can’t get it you should read the problem again. If you can’t get it then, you should raise your hand and ask the teacher.

Isn’t that the greatest? The advice from children with the fixed mset was not nearly as useful. Since there’s no recipe for success in the fixed mindset, their advice tended to be short and sweet. “I’m sorry” was the advice of one child as he offered his condolences.

Even babies can pass along the messages they’ve received. Mary Main and Carol George studied abused children, who had been judged and punished by their parents for crying or making a fuss. Abusive parents often don’t understand that children’s crying is a signal of their needs, or that babies can’t stop crying on command. Instead, they judge the child as disobedient, willful, or bad for crying.

Main and George watched the abused children (who were one to three years old) in their day care setting, observing how they reacted when other children were in distress and crying. The abused children often became angry at the distressed children, and some even tried to assault them. They had gotten the message that children who cry are to be judged and punished.

We often think that the legacy of abuse gets passed on to others only when the victims of abuse become parents. But this amazing study shows that children learn lessons early and they act on them.

How did nonabused children react to their distressed classmate, by the way? They showed sympathy. Many went over to the crying child to see what was wrong and to see if they could help out.

ISN’T DISCIPLINE TEACHING?

Many parents think that when they judge and punish, they are teaching, as in “I’ll teach you a lesson you’ll never forget.” What are they teaching? They are teaching their children that if they go against the parents’ rules or values, they’ll be judged and punished. They’re not teaching their children how to think through the issues and come to ethical, mature decisions on their own.

And chances are, they’re not teaching their children that the channels of communication are open.

Sixteen-year-old Alyssa came to her mother and said that she and her friends wanted to try alcohol. Could she invite them over for a “cocktail party”? On the face of it, this might seem outrageous. But here’s what Alyssa meant. She and her friends had been going to parties where alcohol was available, but they didn’t want to try it in a setting where they didn’t feel safe and in control. They also didn’t want to drive home after drinking. They wanted to try it in a supervised setting, with their parents’ permission, where their parents could come and pick them up afterward.