Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

It doesn’t matter whether Alyssa’s parents said yes or no. They had a full discussion of the issues involved. They had a far more instructive discussion than what would have followed from an outraged, angry, and judgmental dismissal.

It’s not that growth-minded parents indulge and coddle their children. Not at all. They set high standards, but they teach the children how to reach them. They say no, but it’s a fair, thoughtful, and respectful no. Next time you’re in a position to discipline, ask yourself, What is the message I’m sending here: I will judge and punish you? Or I will help you think and learn?

MINDSETS CAN BE A LIFE-AND-DEATH MATTER

Of course parents want the best for their children, but sometimes parents put their children in danger. Ashe director of undergraduate studies for my department at Columbia, I saw a lot of students in trouble. Here is the story of a great kid who almost didn’t make it.

Sandy showed up in my office at Columbia one week before graduation. She wanted to change her major to psychology. This is basically a wacky request, but I sensed her desperation and listened carefully to her story. When I looked over her record, it was filled with A+’s and F’s. What was going on?

Sandy had been groomed by her parents to go to Harvard. Because of their fixed mindset, the only goal of Sandy’s education was to prove her worth and competence (and perhaps theirs) by gaining admission to Harvard. Going there would mean that she was truly intelligent. For them, it was not about learning. It was not about pursuing her love of science. It was not even about making a great contribution. It was about the label. But she didn’t get in. And she fell into a depression that had plagued her ever since. Sometimes she managed to work effectively (the A+’s), but sometimes she did not (the F’s).

I knew that if I didn’t help her she wouldn’t graduate, and if she didn’t graduate she wouldn’t be able to face her parents. And if she couldn’t face her parents, I didn’t know what would happen.

I was legitimately able to help Sandy graduate, but that isn’t really the point. It’s a real tragedy to take a brilliant and wonderful kid like Sandy and crush her with the weight of these labels.

I hope these stories will teach parents to “want the best” for their children in the right way—by fostering their interests, growth, and learning.

WANTING THE BEST IN THE WORST WAY

Let’s look more closely at the message from Sandy’s parents: We don’t care about who you are, what you’re interested in, and what you can become. We don’t care about learning. We will love and respect you only if you go to Harvard.

Mark’s parents felt the same way. Mark was an exceptional math student, and as he finished junior high he was excited about going to Stuyvesant High School, a special high school in New York with a strong math-and- science curriculum. There, he would study math with the best teachers and talk math with the most advanced students in the city. Stuyvesant also had a program that would let him take college math courses at Columbia as soon as he was ready.

But at the last moment, his parents would not let him go. They had heard that it was hard to get into Harvard from Stuyvesant. So they made him go to a different high school.

It didn’t matter that he wouldn’t be able to pursue his interests or develop his talents as well. Only one thing mattered, and it starts with an H.

“WE LOVE YOU—ON OUR TERMS”

It’s not just I’m judging you. It’s I’m judging you and I’ll only love you if you succeed—on my terms.

We’ve studied kids ranging from six years old to college age. Those with the fixed mindset feel their parents won’t love and respect them unless they fulfill their parents’ aspirations for them. The college students say:

“I often feel like my parents won’t value me if I’m not as sssful as they would like.”

Or: “My parents say I can be anything I like, but deep down I feel they won’t approve of me unless I pursue a profession they admire.”

John McEnroe’s father was like that. He was judgmental—everything was black-and-white—and he put on the pressure. “My parents pushed me.… My dad was the one mainly. He seemed to live for my growing little junior career.… I remember telling my dad that I wasn’t enjoying it. I’d say, ‘Do you have to come to every match? Do you have to come to this practice? Can’t you take one off?’ ”

McEnroe brought his father the success he craved, but McEnroe didn’t enjoy a moment of it. He says he enjoyed the consequences of his success—being at the top, the adulation, and the money. However, he says, “Many athletes seem truly to love to play their sport. I don’t think I ever felt that way about tennis.”

I think he did love it at the very beginning, because he talks about how at first he was fascinated by all the different ways you could hit a ball and create new shots. But we never hear about that kind of fascination again. Mr. McEnroe saw his boy was good at tennis and on went the pressure, the judgment, and the love that depended on his son’s success.

Tiger Woods’s father presents a contrast. There’s no doubt that this guy is ambitious. He also sees his son as a chosen person with a God-given destiny, but he fostered Tiger’s love of golf and raised Tiger to focus on growth and learning. “If Tiger had wanted to be a plumber, I wouldn’t have minded, as long as he was a hell of a plumber. The goal was for him to be a good person. He’s a great person.” Tiger says in return, “My parents have been the biggest influence in my life. They taught me to give of myself, my time, talent, and, most of all, my love.” This shows that you can have superinvolved parents who still foster the child’s own growth, rather than replacing it with their own pressure and judgments.

Dorothy DeLay, the famous violin teacher, encountered pressure-cooker parents all the time. Parents who cared more about talent, image, and labels than about the child’s long-term learning.

One set of parents brought their eight-year-old boy to play for DeLay. Despite her warnings, they had made him memorize the Beethoven violin concerto. He was note-perfect, but he played like a frightened robot. They had, in fact, ruined his playing to suit their idea of talent, as in, “My eight-year-old can play the Beethoven violin concerto. What can yours do?”

DeLay spent countless hours with a mother who insisted it was time for her son to be signed by a fancy talent agency. But had she followed DeLay’s advice? No. For quite a while, DeLay had been warning her that her son didn’t have a large enough repertoire. Rather than heeding the expert advice and fostering her son’s development, however, the mother refused to believe that anyone could turn down a talent like his for such a slight reason.

In sharp contrast was Yura Lee’s mother. Mrs. Lee always sat serenely during Yura’s lesson, without the tension and frantic note taking of some of the other parents. She smiled, she swayed to the music, she enjoyed herself. As a result, Yura did not develop the anxieties and insecurities that children with overinvested, judgmental parents do. Says Yura, “I’m always happy when I play.”

IDEALS

Isn’t it natural for parents to set goals and have ideals for their children? Yes, but some ideals are helpful and others are not. We asked college students to describe their ideal of a successful student. And we asked them to tell us how they thought they measured up to that ideal.

Students with the fixed mindset described ideals that could not be worked toward. You had it or you didn’t.

“The ideal successful student is one who comes in with innate talent.”

“Genius, physically fit and good at sports.… They got there based on natural ability.”

Did they think they measured up to their ideal? Mostly not. Instead, they said these ideals disrupted their thinking, made them procrastinate, made them give up, and made them stressed-out. They were demoralized by the ideal they could never hope to be.

Students with the growth mindset described ideals like these:

“A successful student is one whose primary goal is to expand their knowledge and their ways of thinking and investigating the world. They do not see grades as an end in themselves but as means to continue to grow.”

Or: “The ideal student values knowledge for its own sake, as well as for its instrumental uses. He or she hopes to make a contribution to society at large.”

Were they similar to their ideal? They were working toward it. “As similar as I can be—hey, it takes effort.” Or: “I believed for many years that grades/tests were the most important thing but I am trying to move beyond