But Inside I'm Screaming

search on me or something? If so, could you make sure it’s a guard who looks like Tom Cruise?”

“Julie, this is my friend, Casey,” Isabel says as she reaches for the clipboard to sign her in. “We’re just going to be out on the lawn.”

Julie looks at Casey’s empty hands and then says that would be fine.

“Why’d she look at my hands? She wondering if I’m single? She’s cute. For a price I could be.”

“I’m insulted. You won’t be my lesbian lover but you’d take Julie, who still wears headbands? She’s checking to make sure you aren’t smuggling in any contraband,” Isabel answers, opening the door to the outside again. “No razor blades, nooses. You know. Just your basic suicide-ward security.”

“Honey, I’m less worried about you now than I am about me,” Casey sighs, settling into a chair. “I almost put my head in the oven yesterday, I swear. Michael’s driving me insane. Come to think of it, I wonder if they have any rooms available here. We could bunk together. Braid each other’s hair. It’d be just like old times.”

Isabel soaks up Casey’s energy as if basking in the sun.

Casey looks at her. “Seriously, you look too thin. Are you eating?”

“Don’t start.” Isabel senses the conversation is turning serious.

“I know, I know. You can take the mom out of the suburbs…” She trails off and surveys the grounds. “Pretty nice digs. How is it really?”

“If I told you you wouldn’t believe me. But it’s fine. It’s good now, actually. I think I’m doing better.”

“You look like shit, if you don’t mind my saying.”

“You really need to form some opinions, Case.”

“What is it? You having trouble sleeping, too?”

“Casey?”

“What, honey?” Casey’s face studies Isabel’s.

“Um. It’s just. Well. I just don’t believe you’re really here. I can’t believe you came to visit me here.”

“You can’t? You’re the best friend I’ve ever had.”

“But…but, I dropped the ball for you. I wasn’t there for you when you were having your biopsy.” Isabel stops fighting her guilty tears and lets them roll down her cheeks.

Casey takes her hand. “But you wanted to be.”

“But I wasn’t there for you,” Isabel sniffs.

“Look at me.” Casey squeezes her hand. “You wanted to be.”

Sixty-Two

“Is there anyone who would like to come sit in this chair and start group off tonight?” Larry addresses the group as he paces. “We haven’t done this in a while…have someone actually sit in the chair. Any volunteers tonight or shall I pick someone?”

Ben raises his hand.

“Yes? Ben, would you like to sit here?” Larry motions to the chair.

“Um, no. Actually I was wondering why we aren’t starting with introductions? We haven’t done that in a while, either, and I was just wondering why. I like that part of group. Why can’t we start that way?”

“Ben, we all know each other now so it’s not necessary. We usually go around the group if there’s a newcomer. I hear that you enjoy it so maybe we can do it once in a while. Why don’t we quickly go around the room and say our names. Why don’t you start?”

“Hi, my name is Ben,” he says with pride.

“I’m Melanie,” “I’m Isabel,” “Regina,” “Cindy.” Sukanya does not introduce herself.

“Okay, good. Who’s in the chair? Who has something they would like to bring up—”

“Larry?” Regina squeaks and then clears her throat to begin again. “I have something I want to bring up with the group.”

“Come on down.” Larry’s Bob Barker imitation embarrasses Isabel.

“It’s about Keisha,” Regina says.

Isabel sits bolt upright and blurts out, “What about Keisha?”

Larry seems interested, too. “Go ahead, Regina.”

“I want the group to know that she’s doing well. I don’t know if anyone knew this or not but Keisha was facing some, ah, legal problems when she left here. She’s overcome those problems and is doing really well now. It’s not talking out of school to tell the group this since she’s not in our group anymore, right?”

“It’s okay to let the group know about Keisha’s good fortune outside of the hospital,” Larry answers. “It’s always good to hear about progress toward wellness. If anyone wishes to talk further to Regina about Keisha, why don’t you all do that after group. Who’d like to go next? Melanie?”

As Melanie gets up to sit in the chair, Isabel’s mind races with thoughts of Keisha.

She checks her watch.

God! Time is dragging by. This is going to take forever.

“Elwin’s at his wit’s end with me…” Melanie is crying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah…and your parents-in-law hate you…get some new material Melanie.

“…then my mother-in-law told me I wasn’t good enough for her son,” Melanie continues.

Isabel looks at her watch again.

It’s only been ten minutes. Will this ever end?

“…and what’s so weird about the mattresses is that I cannot believe it’s taken me this long to see that the nurses have it in for me,” Melanie sobs.

“Regina? Could I talk to you for a minute about Keisha?” Isabel is so eager for the rest of Keisha’s story she practically tackles Regina on the way out of group.

“Sure,” Regina says as she allows herself to be led toward the smoking porch, even though she does not smoke. Isabel knows it is selfish, but she is dying for a cigarette.

“It’s great news, isn’t it?” Regina asks politely while Isabel hunches over the wall lighter.

“Yeah,” Isabel says through her teeth, still trying to light up. “Now, back up and tell me everything.”

Regina hesitates. “How much do you know about what was going on with her when she left here?”

“I was there when they arrested her, Regina,” Isabel replies impatiently. “I know about her nephew.”

Regina is relieved. “Okay. Well, my husband’s a cop and he told me about this because he’d seen Keisha here when he visited and knew I was friendly with her. You know how she was accused of killing her nephew after she was raped—”

“Yeah? What happened?”

“I guess her lawyer was really good and got all this evidence together that showed that the guys who raped Keisha were the ones that killed the baby. My husband says they left their fingerprints all over everything and that the cops who arrested Keisha in the first place were incompetent assholes, if you’ll excuse the expression.” Regina looks embarrassed. “My husband has the dirtiest mouth—working on the job, like he does,” she explains.

“So it didn’t have to go to trial, then?” Isabel looks off into the field as she thinks about how relieved Keisha’s mother must have been.

“Yeah. They dismissed the charges and the guys who raped her are now being charged with murder, too. I guess what goes around comes around, huh?”

“Yeah, no kidding.” Isabel feels a wave of longing. “Your husband hasn’t, by any chance, talked to her, has he?”

“Oh, no. No, he was just keeping track of the case for my benefit. He wasn’t part of that investigation.”

“Maybe I should call her,” Isabel ventures, looking for guidance from Regina.

“I think that sounds like a great idea,” Regina says. “You should call her. You could get her phone number from the nurses, I bet. Sometimes they’re weird about giving that stuff out, but I bet they’d do it for you.”

“Why would they do it for me and not for someone else?” Isabel is confused by Regina’s comment.