“You’re not like everybody else, Isabel,” Regina says, blushing slightly. “The nurses’ll give you Keisha’s number because you can be trusted. You’re normal.”
Isabel’s skin tingles at the compliment.
“There’s no such thing as normal, Regina,” she says, believing it for the first time.
“Yeah, well, you’re as close to it as they come,” Regina answers as she rises to return to her room.
Isabel feels a rush of gratitude for this innocent pronouncement. She feels like hugging the shy Regina but knows she will not. She had had little to do with Regina and knows nothing about her. So she calls out to her instead.
“Thank you, Regina.”
In the doorway Regina turns back and their eyes lock.
“Thank you for everything,” Isabel says.
Regina turns and the door shuts behind her. Isabel puts out her cigarette and walks out into the field to enjoy the last minutes of twilight.
Sixty-Three
“I keep thinking about Alex and the stuff he used to say to me,” Isabel tells Dr. Seidler the next morning. “It’s weird. Here I am getting ready to go in for this really important meeting at ANN and all I can do is hear Alex’s voice in my head. You’d think I’d be more concerned with my career at this point.”
“Let’s look at that.” Dr. Seidler crosses her legs and settles herself more comfortably. “For starters, what exactly have you been hearing Alex say?”
“All that stuff about how I didn’t deserve the job I had before this one—the reporting job I lost? I think I told you about that. That’s what’s going through my head, over and over. Him telling me I
“Interesting,” Dr. Seidler said. “Do you have any idea why this, of all the things Alex said to you, would be the thing that’s getting a lot of play in your mind?”
“I don’t know,” Isabel said. “I can’t figure it out.”
“Might it be because you’re feeling anxious about the ANN meeting, which is—as you described it to me, and correct me if I’m wrong—concerning the possible loss of your job. That, I would imagine, calls up all sorts of feelings in you like dread, sadness, even a little relief. But maybe Alex’s words reflect what you are feeling about yourself right now.”
Isabel gives it thought.
“I could be wrong, of course. This is only a theory,” Dr. Seidler continues. “But I do remember you talking about how low your self-esteem was when you met him, so maybe you felt there was some truth to what he was saying. It’s hard, in instances like these, to know which comes first, the chicken or the egg. Your self-esteem was low from the abuse you endured with David—so maybe Alex capitalized on that and, with his verbal and physical abuse, made it worse. Or maybe you were feeling a bit better about yourself but Alex’s words and actions knocked you back to feeling bad again. Why do you think you were drawn to such abusive people?”
“I really don’t know. But how does this relate to the stuff I have going on in my head now?”
“I’m not sure. I think, though, you seem to be on a precipice. This is still an unformed thought so bear with me, but I wonder if you don’t know what to think of yourself. After your relationship with David ended you could have gone either way. You could have found someone the opposite of David, who treated you with respect, someone who showed you only love. Instead, though, you went with Alex, who repeated the patterns of abuse. Maybe Alex confirmed your own self-loathing. In other words, maybe Alex finished the job David started.”
“But how come I have been so attracted to this type of guy?”
“You don’t know?”
“I don’t think I do.”
“Let me ask you this, David and Alex—what did they have in common? Besides being hotheaded?”
“Um…”
“Were they intense, would you say?”
“Yes. Very.”
“And your father wasn’t, right? He was intense about his job, no doubt about it. He was even intense about drinking. But about you?”
“Not in the least.”
“Could you have been drawn to that intensity? Could it be that you were craving, starving really, for that kind of attention from a man, since you didn’t get it from your father?”
Silence.
“And now you are again at the end of an abusive relationship and you could go one way or another. You could choose to surround yourself with healthy individuals who respect you, or you could find someone who, just as Alex did, takes advantage of your self-doubt.”
“But I didn’t consciously choose an unhealthy person. Alex seemed like a good, supportive person….”
“Yes, I know. But on some level you had to have seen signs of trouble.”
“You’re saying I brought this on myself?”
“No! I am in no way saying you deserved this, Isabel. No. Instead, what I’m saying is that we all make choices based on how we feel at a certain time. You were unsure of yourself when Alex came along. In essence, he decided for you how to feel about yourself. He is the one who caused the abuse, Isabel…not you. But now you are trying to find yourself once again and it’s very important, at times like these, for you—for everyone—to feel good about yourself, about who you are inside. That will attract good people to you like a magnet. Do you understand?”
“I think so,” Isabel replies softly.
“I see in you a strong, smart, lovely person. You need to see that in yourself. That is key. If you value yourself, no one will trample you again.”
Isabel felt the way she had years ago when she visited a psychic with her mother at a county fair. The astrologer had read her palm and Isabel had fallen into a trance, her hand tickled as the astrologer’s soothing voice washed over her. She rubs her arms and glances at the clock hanging over Dr. Seidler’s desk. Their session has ended.
“I know it’s time for you to go, but do you have any reaction to what I just said to you?”
“I have to absorb it,” Isabel says, not wanting to shake the trance. “It makes sense, I just have to absorb it.”
“Very well. Until next time, then.”
“Until next time.”
Sixty-Four
“Mrs. Jackson? This is Isabel Murphy, Keisha’s friend?”
“Oh, hello Isabel. How are you, honey?”
“I’m fine, thanks. I heard the great news about Keisha—is she home?”
“Isn’t it wonderful?” Mrs. Jackson sounds elated. “God answered my prayers—He answered my prayers, that’s for sure! Let me go get her—she was just getting ready to go on a job interview…Keisha? Telephone!”
Through the earpiece Isabel hears footsteps approach the phone.
“‘Lo?”
“Keisha?”
Isabel is surprised at how different the breathless voice on the other end of the line sounds.
“Yeah?”
“It’s Isabel. Um, from Three Breezes,” Isabel quickly adds, knowing that a last name will not make a
