The Princess Bride

wagons.

'I think there's still the fencer with the brandy,' the noisy one began. 'See, they tried getting him out yesterday but—'

'I can't be bothered with a drunk; I'm an important man, get him out of here and do it now, both of you; take the wagon with you, and be quick! This quarter must be locked and deserted by sundown or the Prince will be mad at me, and I don't like it much when the Prince is mad at me.'

'We're going, we're going,' the noisy one replied, and he hurried off, letting the quiet one bring the wagon with Falkbridge inside. 'They tried getting this fencer yesterday, some of the standard enforcers, but it seems he has certain sword skills that made them wary, but I think I have a trick that will work.' The quiet one hurried along behind, dragging the wagon. They rounded a corner, and from around another corner just up ahead, a kind of drunken mumbling was starting to get louder.

'I'm getting very bored, Vizzini' came from out of sight. 'Three months is a long time to wait, especially for a passionate Spaniard.' Much louder now: 'And I am very passionate, Vizzini, and you are nothing but a tardy Sicilian. So if you're not here in ninety more days, I'm done with you. You hear? Done!' Much softer now: 'I didn't mean that, Vizzini, I just love my filthy stoop, take your time....'

The noisy Brute slowed. 'That kind of talk goes on all day; ignore it, and keep the wagon out of sight.' The quiet one pushed the wagon almost to the corner and stopped it. 'Stay with the wagon,' the noisy one added, and then whispered, 'Here comes my trick.' With that he walked alone around the corner and stared ahead at the skinny fellow sitting clutching the brandy bottle on the stoop. 'Ho there, friend,' the noisy one said.

'I'm not moving: keep your 'ho there,'' said the brandy drinker.

'Hear me through, please: I have been sent by Prince Humperdinck himself, who is in need of entertainment. Tomorrow is our country's five hundredth anniversary and the dozen greatest tumblers and fencers and entertainers are at this very moment competing. The finest pair will compete personally tomorrow for the new bride and groom. Now, as to why I'm here: yesterday, some of my friends tried rousting you and they said, later, that you resisted with some splendid swordwork. So, if you would like, I, at great personal sacrifice, will rush you to the fencing contest, where, if you are as good as I am told, you might have yet the honor of entertaining the Royal Couple tomorrow. Do you think you could win such a competition?'

'Breezing.'

'Then hurry while there's still time to enter.'

The Spaniard managed to stand. He unsheathed his sword and flashed it a few times across the morning.

The noisy one took a few quick steps backward and said, 'No time to waste; come along now.'

Then the drunk started yelling: 'I'm—waiting—for—Vizzini—'

'Meanie.'

'I'm—not—mean, I'm—just—following—the—rule—'

'Cruel.'

'Not—cruel, not—mean; can't you understand I'm...' and here his voice trailed off for a moment as he squinted. Then, quietly, he said, 'Fezzik?'

From behind the noisy one, the quiet one said, 'Who says-ik?'

Inigo took a step from his stoop, trying desperately to make his eyes focus through the brandy. ''Says-ik'? Is that a joke you made?'

The quiet one said, 'Played.'

Inigo gave a cry and started staggering forward: 'Fezzik, it's you!'

'TRUE!' And he reached out, grabbed Inigo just before he stumbled, brought him back to an upright position.

'Hold him just like that,' the noisy Brute said, and he moved in quickly, right arm raised, as he had done to Falkbridge.

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Fezzik dumped the noisy Brute into the wagon beside Falkbridge, covered them both with a soiled blanket, then hurried back to Inigo, whom he had left leaning propped against a building.

'It's just so good to see you,' Fezzik said then.

'Oh, it is ... it ... is, but...' Inigo's voice was winding steadily down now. 'I'm too weak for surprises' were the last sounds he got out before he fainted from fatigue and brandy and no food and bad sleep and lots of other things, none of them nutritious.

Fezzik hoisted him up with one arm, took the wagon in the other, and hurried back to Falkbridge's house. He carried Inigo inside, placed him upstairs on Falkbridge's feather bed, then hurried away to the entrance of the Thieves Quarter, dragging the wagon behind him. He made very sure that the dirty blanket covered both the victims, and outside the entrance the Brute Squad held a boot count of those they had removed. The total came out right, and, by eleven in the morning, the great walled Thieves Quarter was officially empty and padlocked.

Released from active duty, Fezzik followed the wall around to a quiet place and waited. He was alone. Walls were never any problem for him, not so long as his arms worked, and he quickly scaled this one and hurried back through the quiet streets to Falkbridge's house. He made some tea, carried it upstairs, force-fed Inigo. Within a few moments, Inigo was blinking under his own power.

'It's just so good to see you,' Fezzik said then.

'Oh, it is, it is,' Inigo agreed, 'and I'm sorry for fainting, but I have done nothing for ninety days but wait for Vizzini and drink brandy, and a surprise like seeing you, well, that was just too much for me on an empty stomach. But I'm fine now.'

'Good,' Fezzik said. 'Vizzini is dead.'

'He is, eh? Dead, you say ... Vizz...' and then he fainted again.

Fezzik began berating himself. 'Oh, you stupid, if there's a right way and a wrong way, trust you to find the dumb way; fool, fool, back to the beginning was the rule.' Fezzik really felt idiotic then because, after months of forgetting, now that he didn't need to remember anymore, he remembered. He hurried downstairs and made some tea and brought some crackers and honey and fed Inigo again.

When Inigo blinked, Fezzik said, 'Rest.'

'Thank you, my friend; no more fainting.' And he closed his eyes and slept for an hour.

Fezzik busied himself in Falkbridge's kitchen. He really didn't know how to prepare a proper meal, but he could heat and he could cool and he could sniff the good meat from the rotted, so it wasn't too great a task to finally end up with something that once looked like roast beef and another thing that could have been a potato.

The unexpected smell of hot food brought Inigo around, and he lay in bed, eating every bite Fezzik fed him. 'I never realized I was in such terrible condition,' Inigo said, chewing away.

'Shhh, you'll be fine now,' Fezzik said, cutting another piece of meat, putting it into Inigo's mouth.

Inigo chewed it carefully down. 'First you appearing so suddenly and then, on top of that, the business of Vizzini. It was too much for me.'

'It would have been too much for anybody; just rest.' Fezzik began to cut another piece of meat.

'I feel such a baby, so helpless,' Inigo said, taking the next bite, chewing away.