The Princess Bride

'You'll be as strong as ever by sundown,' Fezzik promised, getting the next piece of meat ready. 'The six- fingered man is named Count Rugen and he's here right now in Florin City.'

'Interesting,' Inigo managed this time before he fainted again.

Fezzik stood over the still figure. 'Well it is so good to see you,' he said, 'and it's been such a long time and I've just got so much news.'

Inigo only lay there.

Fezzik hurried to Falkbridge's tub and plugged it up and after a lot of work he got it filled with steaming water and then he dunked Inigo in, holding him down with one hand, holding Inigo's mouth shut with the other, and when the brandy began to sweat from the Spaniard's body, Fezzik emptied the tub and filled it again, with icy water this time, and back he plunged Inigo, and when that water began to warm a bit back he filled the tub with steaming stuff and back went Inigo and now the brandy was really oozing from his pores and that was how it went, hour after hour, hot to icy cold to steaming hot and then some tea and then some toast and then some steaming hot again and more icy cold and then a nap and then more toast and less tea but the longest steamer yet and this time there wasn't much brandy left inside and one final icy cold and then a two-hour sleep until by mid-afternoon, they sat downstairs in Falkbridge's kitchen, and now, at last, for the first time in ninety days, Inigo's eyes were almost bright. His hands did shake, but not all that noticeably, and perhaps the Inigo of before the brandy would have bested this fellow now in sixty minutes of solid fencing. But not too many other masters in the world would have survived for five.

'Tell me briefly now: while I've been here with the brandy, you have been where?'

'Well, I spent some time in a fishing village and then I wandered a bit, and then a few weeks ago I found myself in Guilder and the talk there was of the coming wedding and perhaps a coming war and I remembered Buttercup when I carried her up the Cliffs of Insanity; she was so pretty and soft and I had never been so near perfume before that I thought it might be nice to see her wedding celebrations, so I came here, but my money was gone, and then they were forming a brute squad and needed giants and I went to apply and they beat me with clubs to see if I was strong enough and when the clubs broke they decided I was. I've been a Brute First Class all this past week; it's very good pay.'

Inigo nodded. 'All right, again, and this time please be brief, from the beginning: the man in black. Did he get by you?'

'Yes. Fairly too. Strength against strength. I was too slow and out of practice.'

'Then it was he that killed Vizzini?'

'That is my belief.'

'Did he use his sword or his strength?'

Fezzik tried to remember. 'There weren't any sword wounds and Vizzini didn't seem broken. There were just these two goblets and Vizzini dead. Poison is my guess.'

'Why would Vizzini take poison?'

Fezzik hadn't the least idea.

'But he was definitely dead?'

Fezzik was positive.

Inigo began to pace the kitchen, his movements quick and sharp, the way his movements were before. 'All right, Vizzini is dead, enough of that. Tell me briefly where the six-fingered Rugen is so I may kill him.'

'That may not be so easy, Inigo, because the Count is with the Prince, and the Prince is in his castle, and he is pledged not to leave it till after his wedding, for he fears another sneak attack from Guilder, and all the entrances but the main one are sealed for safety and the main doors are guarded by twenty men.'

'Hmmm,' Inigo said, pacing faster now. 'If you fought five and I fenced five, that would mean ten gone, which would be bad because that would also mean ten left and they would kill us. But' and now he picked up his pace even more, 'if you should take six and I took eight, that would mean fourteen beaten, which would not be as bad but still bad enough, since the six remaining would kill us.' And now he whirled on Fezzik. 'How many could you handle at the most?'

'Well, some of them are from the Brute Squad, so I don't think more than eight.'

'Leaving me twelve, which is not impossible, but not the best way to spend your first evening after three months on brandy.' And suddenly Inigo's body sagged and in his eyes, bright a moment ago, now there was moisture.

'What has happened?' Fezzik cried.

'Oh, my friend, my friend, I need Vizzini. I am not a planner. I follow. Tell me what to do and no man alive does it better. But my mind is like fine wine; it travels badly. I go from thought to thought but not with logic, and I forget things, and help me, Fezzik, what am I to do?'

Fezzik wanted to cry now too. 'I'm the stupidest fellow that was ever born; you know that. I couldn't remember to come back here even after you made up that special lovely rhyme for me.'

'I need Vizzini.'

'But Vizzini is dead.'

And then Inigo was up again, blazing about the kitchen, and for the first time his fingers were snapping with excitement: 'I don't need Vizzini; I need his master: I need the man in black! Look—he bested me with steel, my greatness; he bested you with strength, yours. He must have outplanned and outthought Vizzini and he will tell me how to break through the castle and kill the six-fingered beast. If you have the least notion where the man in black is at this moment, relate, quickly, the answer.'

'He sails the seven seas with the Dread Pirate Roberts.'

'Why would he do a thing like that?'

'Because he is a sailor for the Dread Pirate Roberts.'

'A sailor? A common sailor? A common ordinary seaman bests the great Inigo Montoya with the sword? In-con-ceiv-a-ble. He must be the Dread Pirate Roberts. Otherwise it makes no sense.'

'In any event, he is sailing far away. Count Rugen says so and the Prince himself gave the order. The Prince wants no pirates around, what with all the trouble he is having with Guilder—remember, they kidnapped the Princess once, they might try—'

'Fezzik, we kidnapped the Princess once. You never were strong on memory, but even you should recall that we put the Guilder uniform pieces under the Princess's saddle. Vizzini did it because he was under orders to do it. Someone wanted Guilder to look guilty and who but a noble would want that and what noble more than the war-loving Prince himself? We never knew who hired Vizzini. I guess Humperdinck. And as for the Count's word on the man in black's whereabouts, since the Count is the same man who slaughtered my father, we can rest assured that he is certainly a terrific fellow.' He started for the door. 'Come. We have much to do.'

Fezzik followed him through the darkening streets of the Thieves Quarter. 'You'll explain things to me as we go along?' Fezzik asked.

'I'll explain them to you now....' His bladelike body knifed on through the quiet streets, Fezzik hurrying alongside. '(a) I need to reach Count Rugen to at last avenge my father; (b) I cannot plan on how to reach Count Rugen; (c) Vizzini could have planned it for me but, (c prime) Vizzini is unavailable; however, (d) the man in black outplanned Vizzini, so, therefore, (e) the man in black can get me to Count Rugen.'

'But I told you, Prince Humperdinck, after he captured him, gave orders for all to hear that the man in black was to be returned safely to his ship. Everyone in Florin knows this to be so.'

'(a) Prince Humperdinck had some plans to kill his fiancee and hired us to carry them out but (b) the man in black ruined Prince Humperdinck's plans; however, eventually, (c) Prince Humperdinck managed to capture the man in black, and, as everybody in all Florin City also knows, Prince Humperdinck has a terrible temper, so, therefore, (d) if a man has a terrible temper, what could be more fun than losing it against the very fellow who spoiled your plans to kill your fiancee?' They had reached the Thieves Quarter wall now. Inigo jumped on Fezzik's shoulders and Fezzik started to climb. 'Conclusion (1),' Inigo continued, not missing a beat, 'since the Prince is in Florin City taking out his temper on the man in black, the man in black must also be in Florin City. Conclusion (2), the man in black must not be too happy with his present situation. Conclusion (3), I am in Florin City and need a planner to avenge my father, while he is in Florin City and needs a rescuer to salvage his future, and when people have equal needs of