The Princess Bride

'I'm really losing patience with you; come along,' Inigo said, and he started down the curving stairs, Fezzik following, and as the door closed behind them, two things happened:

(1) The door, quite clearly, locked.

(2) Out went the candles on the high walls.

'DON'T BE FRIGHTENED!' Inigo screamed.

'I'M NOT, I'M NOT!' Fezzik screamed right back. And then, above his heartbeat, he managed, 'What are we going to do?'

'S-s-s-simple,' said Inigo after a while.

'Are you frightened too?' asked Fezzik in the darkness.

'Not ... remotely,' Inigo said with great care. 'And before, I meant to say 'easy'; I don't know how the 's-s-s- s-' got in there. Look: we can't go back and we certainly don't want to stay here, so we just must keep on going as we were before these little things happened. Down. Down is our direction, Fezzik, but I can tell you're a bit edgy about all this, so, out of the goodness of my heart, I will let you walk down not behind me, and not in front of me, but right next to me, on the same step, stride for stride, and you put an arm around my shoulder, because that will probably make you feel better, and I, so as not to make you feel foolish, will put an arm around your shoulder, and thus, safe, protected, together, we will descend.'

'Will you draw your sword with your free hand?'

'I already have. Will you make a fist with yours?'

'It's clenched.'

'Then let's look on the bright side: we're having an adventure, Fezzik, and most people live and die without being as lucky as we are.'

They moved down one step. Then another. Then two, then three, as they got the hang of it.

'Why do you think they locked the door behind us?' Fezzik asked as they moved.

'To add spice to our trip, I suspect,' replied Inigo. It was certainly one of his weaker answers, but the best he could come up with.

'Here's where the turn starts,' said Fezzik, and they slowed, making the sharp turn without stumbling, continuing on down. 'And they took away the candles for the same reason—spice?'

'Most likely. Don't squeeze me quite so hard—'

'Don't you squeeze me quite so hard—'

By then they knew they were for it.

There has been, for many years, a running battle among jungle zoologists as to just which of the giant snakes is the biggest. The anaconda men are forever trumpeting the Orinoco specimen that weighed well over five hundred pounds, while the python people never fail to reply by pointing out that the African Rock found outside Zambesi measured thirty-four feet, seven inches. The argument, of course, is silly, because 'biggest' is a vague word, having no value whatever in arguments, if one is serious.

But any serious snake enthusiast would admit, whatever his schooling, that the Arabian Garstini, though shorter than the python and lighter than the anaconda, was quicker and more ravenous than either, and this specimen of Prince Humperdinck's was not only remarkable for its speed and agility, it was also kept in a permanent state just verging on the outskirts of starvation, so the first coil came like lightning as it dropped from above them and pinioned their hands so the fist and sword were useless and the second coil imprisoned their arms and 'Do something—' Inigo cried.

'I can't—I'm caught—you do something—'

'Fight it, Fezzik—'

'It's too strong for me—'

'Nothing is too strong for you—'

The third coil was done now, around the upper shoulders, and the fourth coil, the final coil, involved the throat, and Inigo whispered in terror, because he could hear the beast's breathing now, could actually feel its breath, 'Fight it ... I'm ... I'm...'

Fezzik trembled with fear and whispered, 'Forgive me, Inigo.'

'Oh, Fezzik ... Fezzik...'

'What...?'

'I had such rhymes for you....'

'What rhymes?...'

Silence.

The fourth coil was finished.

'Inigo, what rhymes?'

Silence.

Snake breath.

'Inigo, I want to know the rhymes before I die—Inigo, I really want to know—Inigo, tell me the rhymes' Fezzik said, and by now he was very frustrated and, more than that, he was spectacularly angry and one arm came clear of one coil and that made it a bit less of a chore to fight free of the second coil and that meant he could take that arm and bring it to the aid of the other arm and now he was yelling it out, 'You're not going anywhere until I know those rhymes' and the sound of his own voice was really very impressive, deep and resonant, and who was this snake anyway, getting in the path of Fezzik when there were rhymes to learn, and by this time not only were both arms free of the bottom three coils but he was furious at the interruption and his hands grabbed toward the snake breath, and he didn't know if snakes had necks or not but whatever it was that you called the part that was under its mouth, that was the part he had between his great hands and he gave it a smash against the wall and the snake hissed and spit but the fourth coil was looser, so Fezzik smashed it again and a third time and then he brought his hands back a bit for leverage and he began to whip the beast against the walls like a native washerwoman beating a skirt against rocks, and when the snake was dead, Inigo said, 'Actually, I had no specific rhymes in mind; I just had to do something to get you into action.'

Fezzik was panting terribly from his labors. 'You lied to me is what you're saying. My only friend in all my life turns out to be a liar.' He started tromping down the stairs, Inigo stumbling after him.

Fezzik reached the door at the bottom and threw it open and slammed it, with Inigo just managing to slip inside before the door crashed shut.

It locked immediately.

At the end of this corridor, the 'To Level Four' sign was clearly visible, and Fezzik hurried toward it. Inigo pursued him, hurrying past the poisoners, the spitting cobras and Gaboon vipers and, perhaps most quickly lethal of all, the lovely tropical stonefish from the ocean outside India.

'I apologize,' Inigo said. 'One lie in all these years, that's not such a terrible average when you consider it saved our lives.'

'There's such a thing as principle' was all Fezzik would answer, and he opened the door that led to the fourth level. 'My father made me promise never to lie, and not once in my life have I even been tempted,' and he started down the stairs.

'Stop!' Inigo said. 'At least examine where we're going.'

It was a straight staircase, but completely dark. The opening at the far end was invisible. 'It can't be as bad as where we've been,' Fezzik snapped, and down he went.

In a way, he was right. For Inigo, bats were never the ultimate nightmare. Oh, he was afraid of them, like everybody else, and he would run and scream if they came near; in his mind, though, hell was not bat-infested. But Fezzik was a Turkish boy, and people claim the fruit bat from Indonesia is the biggest in the world; try telling that to a Turk sometime. Try telling that to anyone who has heard his mother scream, 'Here come the king bats!' followed by the poisonous fluttering of wings.

'HERE COME THE KING BATS!' Fezzik screamed, and he was, quite literally, as he stood halfway down the dark steps, paralyzed with fear, and behind him now, doing his best to fight the darkness, came Inigo, and he had never heard that tone before, not from Fezzik, and Inigo didn't want bats in his hair either, but it wasn't worth that kind of fright, so he started to say 'What's so terrible about king bats' but 'What' was all he had time for before Fezzik cried, 'Rabies! Rabies!' and that was all Inigo needed to know, and he yelled, 'Down, Fezzik,' and Fezzik still couldn't move, so Inigo felt for him in the darkness as the fluttering grew louder and with all his strength he slammed the giant on the shoulder hollering 'Down' and this time Fezzik went to his