They told me more, but Narcissus would only speak on condition that I forgave him for hiding Messalina's crimes from me so long. He said that when he was first aware of them and I seemed happy in my innocence, he had resolved to spare me the pain of disillusionment so long as Messalina did nothing which endangered my life or the safety of the country. He had hoped that she might mend her ways or else that I would find out about her for, myself. But as time went on and her behaviour grew more and more shameless, it became more and more difficult to tell me. In fact, he could not believe that I did not know by now what all Rome, and all the provinces for that matter, and our enemies over the frontier, knew. In the course of nine years it seemed impossible that I should not have heard of her debaucheries, which were astounding in their impudence.
Cleopatra told me the most horrible and ludicrous story. During my absence in Britain Messalina had issued a challenge to the Prostitutes' Guild asking them to provide a champion to contend with her at the Palace, and see which of the two would wear out most gallants: in, the course of a night. The Guild had sent a famous Sicilian named Scylla, after the whirlpool in the Straits of Messina. When dawn came Scylla had been forced to confess herself beaten at the twenty-fifth gallant but Messalina had continued, out of bravado, until the sun was quite high in the sky. And, what was worse, most of the nobility at Rome had been invited to attend the contest, and many of the men had taken part in it; and three or four of the women had been persuaded by Messalina to compete too.
I sat weeping with my head in my hands, just as Augustus had done some fifty years before, when his grandsons Gaius and Lucius told him the same sort of story about their mother Julia and in Augustus's very words I said that I had never heard the slightest whisper or entertained the faintest suspicion that Messalina was not the chastest woman in Rome. And like Augustus I had the impulse to shut myself away in a room and see nobody for days. But they would not let me. Two lines out of a musical comedy that Mnester's company had played a few days before - I forget the name - kept hammering absurdly in my brain
I know no sound so laughable, so laughable and sad,
As an old man weeping for his wife, a girl gone to the bad.
I said to Narcissus: `At the first Games I ever saw (I was acting as joint-President with my brother Germanicus) - Games in honour of my father, you know - I saw a Spanish sword-fighter have his shield-arm lopped off at the shoulder. He was-close to me and I saw his face clearly. Such a stupid look when he saw what had happened. And the whole amphitheatre roared with laughter at him. I thought it was funny too, God forgive me.'
Chapter 29
THEN Xenophon came in and forced a drink between my lips, because I was on the point of collapse, and took me in hand generally. I don't know exactly what decoction he gave me, but it had the effect of making me feel very clear-headed and self-possessed and utterly impersonal about everything. My feet seemed to be treading on clouds like a god. It also affected the focus of my eyes, so that I saw Narcissus and Calpurnia and Pallas as if they were standing twenty paces away instead of quite close.
`Send for Turranius and Lusius Geta.' Turranius was my Superintendent of Stores now that Callon was dead, and Geta, as I have told you, was the joint Commander of the Guards with Crispinus.
I cross-examined them, after first assuring them that I would not punish them if they spoke the truth. They confirmed all that Narcissus and Calpurnia and Cleopatra had told me, and told me a lot more. When I asked Geta to explain frankly why he had failed to, report all this to me before,, he said: `May I quote a proverb, Caesar, that is often on your own lips: The knee is nearer than the shin? What happened to Justus, my predecessor, when he tried to let you know what was happening in your wife's wing of the Palace?'
Turranius replied to the same question by reminding me that when recently he had summoned the courage to come to me with a complaint of the seizure of public stores at Messalina's orders - basalt blocks imported from Egypt for the repaving of the Ox Market for use, it turned out, in a new colonnade that she was building in the Gardens of Lucullus, I had grown angry and told him never again to question any act or order of hers, saying that nothing that she did was done except at my particular instance or at least with my full sanction. I had told him that if he ever again had any complaint to make against the Lady Messalina's behaviour he was to make it to the Lady Messalina herself. Turranius was right. I had actually said that.
Calpurnia, who had been fidgeting impatiently in the background while I was questioning Geta and Turranius, now caught my eye pleadingly. I understood that she wanted a word with me alone. I cleared the room at once and then she said gently and earnestly : 'My dear, you won't get anywhere by asking the same question over and over again from different people. It's quite plain: they were all afraid to tell you, partly because they knew how much you loved and trusted Messalina, but mostly because you were Emperor. You have been very foolish and very unlucky and now you must do something to retrieve the position. If you don't act at once you will be sentencing us all to death. Every minute counts. You must go at once to the Guards Camp and get the protection of all the loyal troops there. I can't believe that they'll desert you for Messalina's and Silius's sake. There may be one or two colonels or captains who have been bought over, but the rank and file are devoted to you. Send mounted messengers to Rome at once to announce that you are on your way to take vengeance on
Silius and your wife. Send warrants for the arrest of everyone present at the wedding. That will probably be enough to smother the revolt. They'll all be too drunk to do anything dangerous. But hurry!'
'Oh, yes,' I said. `I'll hurry!'
I called in Narcissus again. `Do you trust Geta?'
'To be honest, Caesar, I don't altogether trust him.'
'And the two captains he has with him here?'
`I trust them, but they're stupid.'
`Crispinus is away on leave at Baiae, so whom shall we put in command of the Guards, if we can't trust Geta?'
'If Calpurnia was a man, I'd say, Calpurnia. But since she's not, the next best choice is myself.- I'm a mere freedman, I know, but the Guards officers know me and like me, and it would only be for a single day.'
`Very well, General-of-the-Day Narcissus. Tell Geta that he's confined to bed by doctor's orders until tomorrow. Give me pen and parchment. Wait a moment. What's the date? September the fifth? Here's your commission, then. Show it to the captains and send them on to Rome at once with their men to arrest the whole wedding party. No violence, though, except in self-defence; tell them. Let the Guards know that I'm coming and that I expect them to remain loyal to me, and that their loyalty won't pass unrewarded.'
It is about eighteen miles from Ostia to Rome, but the soldiers covered the distance in an hour and a half, using fast gigs. As it happened, the wedding was just breaking up when they arrived. The cause was a knight called Vettius Valens, who had been one of Messalina's lovers before Silius came on the scene, and was still in her favour. The party had come to the stage that parties reach when the first excitement of drink has worn off and everyone begins to feel a little tired and at a loss. Interest now centred on Vettius Valens: he was hugging a fine evergreen oak-tree which grew outside the house, and talking to an imaginary Dryad inside it. The Dryad had apparently fallen in love with him and was-inviting him in a whisper, audible only to himself, to a rendezvous at the top of the tree. He finally consented to join her there and made his friends form a human pyramid to enable him to climb up to the first big bough. The pyramid collapsed twice amid shrieks of laughter, but Vettius persevered and at the third try got astride of the bough. From there slowly and dangerously he climbed higher and higher until he disappeared into the thick foliage at the summit. Everyone stood gazing up to watch what would happen next. Expectation. ran high, because Vettius was a famous comedian. Soon he began imitating the Dryad's affectionate cries and making loud smacking kiss-noises and uttering little squeals of excitement. Then Vettius kept very quiet, until, the crowd began calling, up to him: `Vettius, Vettius, what are you doing?'
`I'm just viewing the world. This is the best look-out anywhere in Rome. The Dryad's sitting on my lap and pointing out places of interest; so don't interrupt. Yes, that's the Senate House. Silly girl, I knew that! And that's Colchester! But surely: you're mistaken? You can't see as far as Colchester from this tree, can you? You must mean the Guards Camp. No, it is Colchester, by God. I can see the name written up on a notice board and blue-faced Britons walking about. What's that? What are they doing? No, I don't believe it. What, worshipping Claudius as a God?' And then in an imitation of my voice: `Why, though, I want to know why? Nobody else to worship? Have the other Gods refused to cross the Channel? I don't blame them. I was dreadfully sea-sick myself, crossing the Channel.'
Vettius's audience was entranced. When he was silent again they called out: `Vettius, Vettius! What are you doing now?'
