“What are you talking about?” I asked him. “You were talking to him all night.”
“Yeah, well, I was trying to be polite, but it wasn’t an easy conversation. He’s not for you. Let’s put it that way. He doesn’t have much to say.”
“Well, you’d be quiet too if you went over to someone’s house for dinner and the host’s opener was, ‘Your hair looks stupid.’”
“Well, that couldn’t have been the first time he’s heard that, Chelsea.”
“Good-bye,” I said, and hung up. I called my friend Ivory and discussed it with her.
“I’m surprised you even care, Chelsea. It’s not like you were going to marry the guy.”
“Well, yeah, but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. That’s just mean.”
“Well, that can’t be the first time he’s had his feelings hurt. Not with that Afro.”
“Jesus! Can’t anyone get beyond his hair?” I asked her.
“Chelsea, if you really think that’s the reason he hasn’t called, then why don’t you call him and apologize?”
“No, what if he’s trying to blow me off?”
“Maybe he is.”
“Well, I am not about to go make an appointment to get dumped.”
“Well, then shut up, and go visit Darryl.”
“I can’t. He’s on location filming a movie with Hulk Hogan.” Ivory hung up on me without saying good-bye. She seemed to be doing that an awful lot, and I must say that I respected her for it on some level.
I felt like a loser. No one likes getting blown off, and unfortunately for me, this wasn’t my first time. I thought about calling him, but wouldn’t even know what to say. Obviously he had no interest in talking to me. If a redhead could dump me, who knew what was next?
The next day, Darryl called and told me he was on his way home from the airport and asked if I wanted to go paintballing. “Not at all,” I told him, “but you should see Maude. She is getting so big!”
“What? Who?” he asked, confused.
“Your fish, Maude. She’s gotten so big. I went to the fish store and found all these great vitamins to make her color more electric and to help her burst into womanhood, and I have to tell you, it’s like they worked overnight.” I figured that any adult with a desire to go paintballing would have no trouble believing that there were growth hormones available for goldfish.
“Wow,” he said. “That was really thoughtful of you. I didn’t even think you liked fish.”
“Well, that’s ridiculous.” I snorted. “Who doesn’t love fish? They’re so…crazy.”
Later that night, Darryl came over to my apartment with pictures of him and Hulk Hogan on the set of their movie. Darryl barely recognized Maude when he first saw her. “She looks amazing.”
“I know. She’s so much more…upbeat,” I said. “It’s amazing what a couple of vitamins can do.” I needed to change the subject. “So tell me about the Hulk. How long does it take for them to make his whole body so green?”
“It was Hulk Hogan, Chelsea. Not the Incredible Hulk.”
“Right. That’s what I meant.” Even though the last thing I ever thought would turn me on in the way of copulation would be a picture of Darryl being headlocked by Hulk Hogan, I needed confirmation that I was attractive on some level, and decided to face rape him. Just as we were rolling onto my bed and Darryl was getting ready to mount me, my doorbell rang.
I walked out of my bedroom to the front door while fixing my clothes, and opened it to find Big Red.
“Oh my God!” shot out of my mouth before I could stop myself. “Hi.” Then I said it again. “Hi.”
“Can I come in?” he asked.
“Oh, sure,” I said, without moving.
“Are you going to move, so I can come in?”
“Yes, but I have to go to the bathroom,” I said, and grabbed my vagina dramatically to look convincing. I walked back into my room as calmly as I could and shut the door.
“Get in the closet,” I told Darryl.
“What?”
“Do it!” I whispered as loudly and as violently as I could through clenched teeth.
“Fine,” he said, and walked toward the closet, which was filled with cardboard boxes. It didn’t take long for both of us to realize there wasn’t enough room for a car seat, never mind a full-grown human.
“Shit,” I said, looking around the room for other alternatives. “Get under the bed.”
“Oh my God.” He slid underneath the bed, grazed his forehead on the frame, and rolled his eyes at me.
“Thank you,” I said, and turned to leave the room. Austin was standing at my bedroom door when I opened it and he scared the shit out of me. “Aaaah!” I screamed. “You scared me!”
Big Red smiled and walked over to the chair in front of my computer, turned it around to face my bed, and sat down. “You’re probably wondering why I haven’t called,” was his opener.
I ran over to my bed, sat down, and made as many adjustments to my seated position as necessary to completely dislodge the comforter and have it land on the floor to hide Darryl’s naked body. Once I had accomplished the task at hand, I met Austin’s quizzical gaze.
“I’m sorry, I have ringworm. Anyway, what did you want to talk about?”
“Ringworm?”
“Yup.”
“Don’t you get ringworm from dogs?” he asked. “You don’t have a dog.”
“You can also get it from fish,” I stammered.
I coughed loudly after saying this in hopes of moving the conversation forward.
After a moment, he started. “Well…I mean, I really like you, Chelsea. I think you’re really fun, and you’re smart, and you’re pretty…” Normally, I would have interrupted this terrible cliche of a breakup, but I knew that as long as he was talking, it meant he couldn’t see Darryl.
“I just have to be honest with you,” he went on. “I feel like maybe we are getting really serious in a short amount of time and I don’t know if I feel comfortable with that. I have a lot of opportunities right now, and I don’t want to be nailed down to one woman.”
The fact that Austin was telling me that he had other opportunities while I had another guy under my bed was ironic. It’s not like we were in some serious committed relationship. Yes, I liked him, but he was acting like I just told him I wanted to have his orange babies.
“What are you talking about?” I asked him.
“Well, I mean, your family was great and everything, but I don’t think I’m ready to be in that serious of a relationship.” The idea that Red thought meeting my drunk aunt and uncle meant that we were on the brink of getting engaged was ridiculous. I understand that meeting someone’s family usually means you’re taking the relationship to the next level, but not with my family. Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
“Chelsea, I just think maybe you’re taking this relationship a little too seriously.”
“How many times do you think you can use the word ‘serious’?” I asked him, trying to restrain myself from standing up and strangling him. “I think you’re being a little dramatic.”
“Well, I had a feeling you would be upset and take this badly.”
“Okay, you know what, Red? I am not upset about you breaking up with me. Well, it is kind of shocking, but the fact that you are being so dramatic about it is quite alarming. This is hardly a serious relationship.”
“Fine,” Austin said. “Intense might be a better word. Things have gotten a little intense.” This is when I blew a gasket.
“Intense? Intense?” I yelled. “You want to talk about intense? Try dating three guys at the same time. I’m trying to remember names and keep secrets and shit!”
I don’t know why I said “three,” when actually I had only been dating two people. I quickly invented a third person in my head to back up my story. I decided his name would be Luther and he would work with animals. Who did Big Red think he was? And who did he think I was? I felt like I had been doing him a favor.
He stared at me, apparently shocked by my outburst. “And by the way,” I added, “you really think highly of yourself.” I wanted to add something about his hair, but decided to leave that to the next girl he dumped. “Please go. I have a date with a very dynamic zookeeper that I do not want to be late for.”
Red got up and walked out of my bedroom toward the front door. Before he made it out I added one last thing: “And you might want to think about trimming your bush!” Then I ran back into my room before he could say anything about my beaver and slammed my bedroom door. I knelt down on the floor and lifted the comforter up as Darryl rolled out from under my bed.
“Ha ha!” Darryl sang as he crawled out. “You got dumped! I don’t know which I liked better, the rash or the zookeeper. That guy was a moron. Could you imagine anyone being that clueless?”
I tried to keep a straight face while wondering if Big Red could ever be convinced that his pet had tripled in size over a two-week period and had brightened its skin color by taking fish supplements. Darryl and I started laughing so hard, we were crying. The fact that we were laughing at two different things was a perfect summation of our relationship.
“You want to hear something really funny?” I asked him in between snorts. “Maude died.”
“What?”
“Maude, your fish.” I took another deep breath in order to get the sentence out without guffawing. “She’s dead and I got that new fish from my aunt Gerdy’s house.” Then I went into another fit of hysterics, except this time I was laughing alone.
“How could you do that and not tell me?” he asked, instantly sobering up.
“What?”
“Chelsea, I’ve had Maude for six years.”
“Well, I’m sorry. It’s not like it was intentional. I tried to revive her, but she was out like a light.”
“It’s not funny, Chelsea. This is not funny at all.” Darryl was on his feet and getting dressed.
“Oh, Jesus,” I said, now feeling like a complete asshole. There’s nothing worse than ruining a perfectly good moment by thinking someone else will find humor in something they absolutely do not. “I can’t believe you’re really upset about a fish.”
“It’s the principle. I trusted you to look after Maude.”
“Yeah, and obviously you made the wrong decision. You know I don’t particularly like animals, especially ones you can’t tickle.”
Darryl stormed out of the apartment while I sat on my bedroom floor, dumbfounded by the day’s events. I picked the phone up off the floor and called Ivory.
“Big Red broke up with me.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because he thought I was getting too serious.”
