The Underground Man

bottom.”

Walsh looked at him. “Why wouldn’t I sign it at the very bottom?”

“You would and you should. That’s the place to do it.”

“Then why do you even mention it?”

“To make sure there’s no confusion. See, you already started the document, ‘I, so and so, being of sound mind and body,’ etc., etc. Since you are writing in longhand, some people might argue writing your name at the top in that manner constitutes a signature. Whether it does or not is a moot point if you simply sign it at the bottom. Also, signing it at the bottom verifies the fact that the will is indeed over, that there isn’t an additional page kicking around someplace that somehow got lost.”

“Fine. Fine. So if I do all that, I’m set?”

“You should be.”

“And this will take precedence over the prior will, even though that will was prepared by lawyers and signed in the presence of witnesses?”

“It should.”

Walsh frowned. “Why do you say ‘should?’”

Steve smiled. “Because anyone can hire a lawyer to argue anything. If the heirs named in the prior will want to contest the new one, they can. It doesn’t mean they can win, and if you follow the instructions I’ve given you exactly, they shouldn’t win. But if you want a hundred percent, dead certain, money-back guarantee, you must understand that there’s nothing in life that’s a sure thing.”

“Yeah, yeah, sure,” Walsh said. “Protect your backside. But practically speaking, the handwritten will would be good?”

“That’s right.”

“I see,” Walsh said. He thought for a moment.

“Was there something else?” Steve asked.

“Yeah,” Walsh said. “Suppose there’s some delay?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, suppose the handwritten will isn’t found for a while?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?”

Walsh waved it away. “That’s not important. I’m saying what if. Suppose for some reason this handwritten will is misplaced. The lawyers produce the will they’ve drawn. It’s probated. People inherit. Then the new will is found.”

Steve frowned. He looked at Walsh narrowly. “What’s your question?”

“What would happen then? Would the new will take precedence? Would the old will be upset? Would the heirs have to give the money back?”

Steve pursed his lips. “They might.”

Now it was Walsh’s turn to frown. “Why do you say ‘might?’ It’s my understanding they would.”

“Your understanding’s correct. And ordinarily they would. But …”

“But what?”

“You’d have a situation then. Be one hell of a legal dogfight.”

“I know that. But who would win?”

“The beneficiaries named in the handwritten will. Except for one thing. Collusion.” Steve shook his head. “Big problem, Mr. Walsh. If the beneficiaries named in the prior will are in a position to prove that the handwritten will was deliberately withheld, that it was planned that way, that they had been tricked into thinking they had inherited when they had in fact not, then they would have legal recourse. They would have a cause of action against you.”

“I’d be dead.”

“Against your estate. And if they were able to successfully sue your estate, reducing the amount that you have left to leave, they would be able to divert the money away from your beneficiary and into their own pockets just as effectively as if they had inherited under the old will.”

“I see, I see,” Walsh said. “That’s all right. That’s not the case.”

“Oh, isn’t it?” Steve said. “You come in here and ask me that specific question, I have to assume that that’s exactly the case.”

Walsh grinned. “Yes, but you’re a lawyer. You don’t go blabbing everything you know. There’s a law of privileged communications, right? Everything I tell you is confidential. So, no problem. Collusion? What collusion? We’re talking hypothetically here.

“So that’s it. If the will is entirely in my own handwriting and signed and dated and revokes all prior wills, I’m home free.” Walsh stood up. “Fine. What do I owe you?”

Steve shook his head. “No charge. I didn’t do anything.”

“I mean for the consultation.”

Steve smiled. “No charge.”

Walsh frowned irritably. “Of course there’s a charge. There’s no such thing as free advice. Free advice ain’t worth taking. If you give me free advice, then you’re a fool, and I’d be a fool to follow it. Here, let me see.”

He pulled his overcoat aside and rummaged in his pants pocket. He pulled out a dirty, crumpled bill and laid it on the desk. “There,” he said. He rummaged in his pocket again, pulled out another crumpled bill, set that on the desk. “And there. Now we’re square. You get what you pay for. Now if you gave me bum advice and it don’t work out, you’ll feel bad. Of course, I’ll be dead, so I won’t know. But you’ll have to live with it.”

Walsh nodded shortly. “Thanks for your time.”

“Now wait a minute,” Steve said. “You can’t just ask for advice and then go running off and try applying it-”

Walsh was already halfway to the door. Over his shoulder he said, “That’s what you think.”

A few more steps and he was gone, slamming the door behind him.

Steve looked after him, shook his head, and grinned at Tracy Garvin. “Son of a bitch,” he said. “What do you make of that?”

Tracy shook her head. “What do I make of it? What do you make of it. Here’s a guy off the street, and you sit here talking to him about specific bequests and residuary beneficiaries as if he were just some normal client. I mean, what can he possibly have that he wants to leave?”

“I have no idea,” Steve said. “Whatever it is, I just hope he doesn’t get into trouble. A person who wants to get his law from a lawyer and then apply it to the facts himself is usually a fool. I just hope in his case it doesn’t make any difference.”

Steve sighed and ran his hand over his head. “Well, Tracy, I’m afraid our two clients didn’t amount to much. The first case was a total washout, and the second earned us a whopping two bucks.”

Tracy got up from her chair. “You want this written up?”

“Oh, absolutely,” Steve said. “And duly reported to the IRS. I can’t wait till they see that one. ‘Consultation fee: two dollars.’”

Tracy walked over to the desk, picked up the bills and smoothed them out. “Oh shit,” she said.

Steve looked up. “What’s the matter?”

“Your two-dollar fee.”

“What about it?”

Tracy smoothed the bills out and handed them over.

They were hundred dollar bills.

3

Steve Winslow leaned back in his chair, put his feet up on his desk, and opened the New York Times. A former actor, Steve read the paper inside out, starting with the drama section. It was skimpy this morning- no articles, no reviews, mostly only movie ads. Steve moved on to the sports. The Knicks had won