were downcast, his skin taking on a little of a gray color that perfectly matched the suit he donned in lieu of his trademark turtleneck. I wondered if he’d slept at all since Hank died. His bags looked bigger than mine.
Across the aisle from Maurice sat Monaldo and his line of henchmen. To his right was Unibrow and to the left, Ramirez.
Marco, Dana, and I settled into an empty pew behind the painted ladies. Luckily, Monaldo didn’t notice us.
Unluckily, Ramirez did.
He craned his head back, letting his eyes casually scan the room until they met mine. Then they went all big and round as his jaw dropped open like it was on overoiled hinges. He blinked a couple of times, then mouthed at me, “What are you doing here?”
I just smiled and shrugged. What else could I do?
Ramirez pulled his jaw into a tight Bad Cop face and narrowed his eyes, staring me down. I could feel those eyes boring a hole right through me. I hoped I’d never have to face him across an interrogation table. I had a pretty good idea I’d crack.
We all settled into our places as a white-haired priest took to the pulpit and began waxing poetic about Hank’s life and the hereafter. I admit, I kind of tuned him out, instead searching the sobbing painted ladies again for any sign of Larry. Unibrow kept glancing behind him, toward the open church doors, doing, I supposed, the same thing. I felt like I was on a Where’s Waldo hunt and the first one to spot Waldo’s miniskirt won the prize of Larry-dead or alive.
The ceremony was short, thankfully, and then we all shuffled out of the church to drive single file the short distance to the cemetery. On the off chance Monaldo and his crew might recognize the Mustang, Dana, Marco and I held back. I noticed Ramirez scanning the crowd for me. I ducked behind the woman with the ostrich feather until Monaldo motioned him into the long black Lincoln and shut the door behind him.
Since we’d brought up the rear of the parade, most of the crowd had already assembled at the grave site by the time we arrived. Hank’s eternal rest would be under a large tree, atop a small, manmade hill, covered in a lawn that must have used half of Lake Mead to keep watered in the summer. We parked the car on the gravel road and hiked to the top where the coffin sat, now lying next to a tarp-covered pile of dirt. Carnations, roses, and fragrant lilies of the valley lay on the polished mahogany surface. Maurice started bawling as he laid a single red rose on the pile. Which of course set off the painted ladies (who would take any excuse to pull out a hankie), and pretty soon everyone was in tears again.
Except for Monaldo. While his face was a placid mask, I was pretty sure that on the inside he was celebrating having just gotten away with murder.
Beside him Ramirez just glared at me, his eyes silently cursing at me in Spanish. I tried to ignore him, instead focusing on the priest as he said a final few words over the grave site.
Something about funerals always depresses me. Usually it’s the idea that my own end is somewhere in sight. It raises the big scary question of what is there after this life? Do we really ascend, as the priest promised, to a beautiful magical plane where there is no pain, sorrow, or shoes that pinch your toes five minutes after you put them on? Or do we simply die, turn to dust, and that’s all she wrote?
Only today, the questions of the universe were taking a backseat to questions about my father. I wondered where he was. I wondered if Monaldo might have already gotten to him. I wondered if I’d ever be able to picture him again without thinking of Raspberry Perfection lip gloss.
I scanned the faces of the mourners for Larry again. Most were the same from the church, though a few had opted to join the group here. So far none was six feet tall in a red wig.
Once the priest said his final “ashes to ashes,” the crowd began to disperse, lingering in small groups to console each other. I casually mingled amongst them, searching each veiled face for any signs of my father. It had been a longshot that he’d even show up, but I hated to let go of that small hope I’d see him once more.
I was circling a group of painted ladies (still sobbing into their hankies), when the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I felt him before I even heard him. That’s how hot the anger radiating off his body was.
“What are you doing here?” Ramirez growled in my ear.
I froze. “Paying my last respects.”
“You are supposed to be on your way back to Los Angeles,” he said in a tightly restrained whisper. I was pretty sure that if I turned around now I’d see that vein bulging in his neck again.
“Maurice invited me. It would have been rude not to come.”
Ramirez muttered something in Spanish. But before I could figure out which creative swear word he was employing now, he grabbed me by the arm and pulled me down the hill and into the back of Monaldo’s Lincoln.
“I swear, I’m leaving right after-”
But I didn’t get to finish. As soon as he had the door shut behind us, Ramirez grabbed me by the shoulders and planted his lips on mine.
I shuddered from the impact. Or maybe it was from the volcanic heat instantly settling south of my belly button.
“God, you look sexy in black,” he murmured, coming up for air.
“I’m wearing Marco’s clothes.”
Ramirez looked down. Then he shrugged. “It’s been six weeks. You’d look sexy in anything.”
I was about to protest, but he didn’t give me a chance, taking my lips in his and thoroughly kissing me again.
“Or better yet,” he amended, “nothing at all.”
He slid his hand up my shirt, his fingers closing around the clasp of my bra.
“Whoa, boy!” I pushed him away, both hands flat against his chest. “You’re kidding, right? You want to do this
He paused, looking around the backseat. “What? The windows are tinted.”
“We’re at a funeral!”
“So…is that wrong?”
I’m ashamed to say that with my hands still glued to his rock-hard pecs, I actually thought about it for a minute.
“Yes, of course it’s wrong. And by the way, have you noticed that every time we’re together we’re either ripping each other’s clothes off or fighting?”
“Yeah, we should do a lot less fighting.”
“I’m serious.”
He flashed me his big bad wolf smile. “So am I.”
I rolled my eyes. “Why can’t we just have a normal conversation like normal people in a normal relationship”
“So you wanna talk
I crossed my arms over my chest. “Yes.”
He sighed. Then he tilted his head from side to side, as if working out tension kinks that magically appeared whenever I did. “Okay. Fine. Let’s talk.”
“Good.”
Then we both stared at each other. Silent.
Great. Turns out we had nothing to talk about.
“So…” I said, grasping for anything. “How was your day?”
He raised one eyebrow at me. “My day?”
“Yes. This is what normal couples talk about. They talk about their day. So how was your day?”
Ramirez rubbed the back of his neck, relieving a little more of that tension. “Okay. My day was fine.”
I threw my hands up. “No, that’s not how it goes. You’re supposed to tell me what you did, where you went, who you talked to. You’re supposed to tell me how you felt about your day so I can be all supportive and stuff. Like, here, I’ll go first. I had a call from my mother. She was pissed and I feel like crap for lying to her and am pretty sure she’s going to either disown me or at the very least take back my new ficus. After that I punched my stalker in the nose, which felt a lot better than it should have. Then we went to FlyBoyz, which just made me feel like I needed a shower. There. That was my day. Now your turn. What did you do today?”
Ramirez just stared. “Whoa. Back up-stalker?”
Whoops.
