Edmond Hamilton
What's It Like Out There?
I hadn't wanted to wear my uniform when I left the hos- pital, but I didn't have any other clothes there and I was too glad to get out to argue about it. But as soon as I got on the local plane I was taking to Los Angeles, I was sorry I had it on.
People gawked at me and began to whisper. 'The stew- ardess gave me a special big smile. She must have spoken to the pilot, for he came back and shook hands, and said, 'Well, I guess a trip like this is sort of a comedown for you.' A little man came in, looked around for a seat, and took the one beside me. He was a fussy, spectacled guy of fifty or sixty, and he took a few minutes to get settled. Then he looked at me, and stared at my uniform and at the little brass button on it that said 'TWO.'
'Why,' he said, 'you're one of those Expedition Two men!' And then, as though he'd only just figured it out,
'Why, you've been to Mars I'
'Yeah,' I said. 'I was there.' He beamed at me in a kind of wonder. I didn't like it, but his curiosity was so friendly that I couldn't quite resent it.
'Tell me,' he said, 'what's it like out there?' The plane was lifting* and I looked out at the Arizona desert sliding by close underneath.
'Different,' I said. 'It's different.'
The answer seemed to satisfy him completely. 'I'll)ust bet it is,' he said. 'Are you going home, Mr… '
'Haddon. Sergeant Frank Haddon.'
'You going home, Sergeant?'
'My home's back in Ohio,' I told him. 'I'm going in to L.A. to look up some people before I go home.'
'Well, that's fine. I hope you have a good time, Sergeant. You deserve it. You boys did a great job out there. Why, I read in the newspapers that after the U.N, sends out a cou- ple more expeditions, we'll have cities out there, and regular passenger lines, and all that.'
'Look,' I said, 'that stuff is for the birds. You might as well build cities down there in Mojave, and have them a lot closer. There's only one reason for going to Mars now, and that's uranium.'
I could see he didn't quite believe me. 'Oh, sure,' he said, 'I know that's important too, the uranium we're all using now for our power stationsbut that isn't all, is it?'
'It'll be all, for a long, long time,' I said.
'But look, Sergeant, this newspaper article said…' I didn't say anything more. By the time he'd finished tell- ing about the newspaper article, we were coming down into L.A. He pumped my hand when we got out of the plane.
'Have yourself a time. Sergeant! You sure rate it. I hear a lot of chaps on Two didn't come back.'
'Yeah,' I said. 'I heard that.'
I was feeling shaky again by the time I got to down- town L.A. I went in a bar and had a double bourbon and it make me feel a little better.
I went out and found a cabby and asked him to drive me out to San Gabriel. He was a fat man with a broad red face.
'Hop right in, buddy,' he said. 'Say, you're one of those Mars guys, aren't you?'
I said, 'That's right.'
'Well, well,' he said. 'Tell me, how was it out there?'
'It was a pretty dull grind, in a way,' I told him.
'I'll bet it was!' he said, as we started through traffic.
'Me, I was in the Army in World War Two, twenty years ago. That's just what it was, a dull grind nine tenths of the time. I guess it hasn't changed any.'
'This wasn't any Army expedition,' I explained. 'It was a United Nations one, not an Army onebut we had officers and rules of discipline like the Army.'
'Sure, it's the same thing,' said the cabby. 'You don't need to tell me what it's like, buddy. Why, back there in 'forty-two, or was it 'forty-three?anyway, back there I re- member that…'
I leaned back and watched Huntington Boulevard slide past. The sun poured in on me and seemed very hot, and the air seemed very thick and soupy. It hadn't been so bad up on the Arizona plateau, but it was a little hard to breathe down here.
The cabby wanted to know what address in San Gabriel. I got the little packet of letters out of my pocket and found the one that had 'Martin Valinez' and a street address on the back. I told the cabby and put the letters back into my pocket.
I wished now that I'd never answered them.
But how could I keep from answering when Joe Valinez' parents wrote to me at the hospital? And it was the same with Jim's girl, and Walter's family. I'd had to write back, and the first thing I knew I'd promised to come and see them, and now if I went back to Ohio without doing it I'd feel like a heel. Right now, I wished I'd decided to be a heel.
The address was on the south side of San Gabriel, in a section that still had a faintly Mexican tinge to it. There was a little frame grocery store with a small house beside it, and a picket fence around the yard of the house; very neat, but a queerly homely place after all the slick California stucco. I went into the little grocery, and a tall, dark man with quiet eyes took a look at me and called a woman's name in a low voice and then came around the counter and took my hand.
'You're Sergeant Haddon,' he said. 'Yes. Of course. We've been hoping you'd come.'
His wife came in a hurry from the back. She looked a little too old to be Joe's mother, for Joe had been just a kid; but then she didn't look so old either, but just sort of worn. She said to Valinez, 'Please, a chair. Can't you see he's tired? And just from the hospital.'
I sat down and looked between them at a case of canned peppers, and they asked me how I felt, and wouldn't I be glad to get home, and they hoped all my family were well. They were gentlefolk. They hadn't said a word about Joe, just waited for me to say something. And I felt in a spot, for I hadn't known Joe well, not jreally. He'd been moved into our squad only a couple of weeks before take-off, and since he'd been our first casualty, I'd never got to know him much. I finally had to get it over with, and all I could think to say was, 'They wrote you in detail about Joe, didn't they?' Valinez nodded gravely. 'Yesthat he died from shock within twenty-four hours after take-off. The letter was very nice.'
His wife nodded too. 'Very nice,' she murmured. She looked at me, and I guess she saw that I didn't know quite what to say, for she said, 'You can tell us more about it. Yet you must not if it pains you.'
I could tell them more. Oh, yes, I could tell them a lot more, if I wanted to. It was all clear in my mind, like a movie film you run over and over till you know it by heart. I could tell them all about the take-off that had killed their son. The long lines of us, uniformed backs going up into Rocket Four and all the other nineteen rocketsthe lights flaring up there on the plateau, the grind of machinery and blast of whistles and the inside of the big rocket as we climbed up the ladders of its center well.
The movie was ruiming again in my mind, clear as crystal, and I was back in Cell Fourteen of Rocket Four, with the minutes ticking away and the walls quivering every time one of the other rockets blasted off, and us ten men in our hammocks, prisoned inside that odd-shaped windowless metal room, waiting. Waiting, till that big, giant hand came and smacked us down deep into our recoil springs, crush- ing the breath out of us, so that you fought to breathe, and the blood roared into your head, and your stomach heaved in spite of all the pills they'd given you, and you heard the giant laughing, b-r-room! b-r-r-roomi b-r-r-oomi Smash, smash, again and again, hitting us in the guts and cutting our breath, and someone being sick, and someone else sobbing, and the b-r-r-oom! b-r-r-oomi laughing as it killed us; and then the giant quit laughing, and quit slap- ping us down, and you could feel your sore and shaky body and wonder if it was still all there.
Walter Millis cursing a blue streak in the hammock under- neath me, and Breck Jergen, our sergeant then, clambering painfully out of his straps to look us over, and then through the voices a thin, ragged voice saying uncertainly, 'Breck, I think I'm hurt…'
