Girlology: A Girl's Guide to Stuff that Matters

Just as there are a million ways to get to know your boyfriend, there are just as many ways to get to know each other physically without “going all the way.” Adults call it petting. “Light” petting is holding hands, hugging and kissing lightly on the lips. You can also enjoy nonsexual stuff like a great back rub, a shoulder massage or a foot rub. (Foot rub? That would really take some strong feelings to rub the feet of some guys we know! Peeeyooo!) “Heavy” petting is deeper kissing, French kissing and touching each other’s genitals or breasts, either through clothing, under the clothes or undressed. Too often, heavy petting leads to sex if you don’t set limits and stick by them.

You and your boyfriend have to be able to tell each other what feels good, what’s appropriate and okay with you, and what you consider going too far. It can be awkward and a tough decision . . . but if you don’t talk about it, you’ll never be clear about your decisions and can easily get carried away “in the heat of the moment,” especially if your guy is pushy.

And pushy guys are all about what feels good for them. They are all about getting what they want, and they’ll keep pushing and pushing you until they get it. If it’s not what YOU want, you need to set clear limits. Speak up fast and loud and tell him to STOP. Otherwise, you’ll end up feeling bad about the experience and losing respect for yourself . . . we won’t even talk about his respect for you, because there isn’t any if he pushes you beyond what you are comfortable with. He is definitely not a true love. He’s not even worthy of being a boyfriend.

So When Does a Boyfriend Become a True Love?

Now there’s a tough one.

There are zillions of poems, songs, descriptions and explanations written about love. People talk about love all the time—and they associate it with things like your school, your country, music or art. There is also love for people like your family, your friends and unknown people in need all over the world. We even say we “love” something like an ice cream flavor, a girlfriend’s shoes or a movie, when we mean that we really, really, really like it.

But what we’re talking about here is capital L, real, live, soul-mate romantic love. This is the kind that leads people to get married and take care of each other for better and worse, for richer or poorer, for life. Rarely is true love something a teenager, even a mature one, actually experiences. But it IS something you work toward during the trial-and-error phase of crushes and first (and second and third . . .) boyfriends.

Here’s our favorite description of it:Love is patient and kind. Love isn’t jealous and doesn’t brag. It isn’t rude or crude. Love is honest and trusting; it seeks the truth and looks out for the best interests of others. Love doesn’t hold grudges, but gives second chances. Love is hopeful and long lasting and totally, incredibly awesome (taken from 1st Corinthians 13 with our own two cents thrown in).

Learning about true love also means that you are preparing yourself for “Mr. Right” before you even meet him. You are determining your values so you will recognize a guy who shares values with you. You are developing your own plan for sexual involvement with crushes, boyfriends, your true love and the one you might marry.

You are also becoming more and more independent, more of your own individual with strong opinions, talents, interests, goals and dreams. True love means he respects your individuality and you respect his. You encourage each other to “be yourself.” You encourage each other to do things with family and friends independent of each other.

True love means making and respecting sexual boundaries and being able to say no to sex when that is what is healthy for you. Besides, true love lasts forever, right? So remember, you have lots of time. Enjoy the long process of growing and learning more about each other as you develop and mature.

Healthy Relationships

Think about true love and boyfriends. Every now and then a boyfriend might turn into a true love, but too many times, crushes or boyfriends turn out to be not so wonderful. Look at the following scenes and decide whether it is a sign of a healthy (on-the-way-to-true-love) or an unhealthy (never-gonna-get-there) relationship. Why do you think that?

HealthyThe Scenario . . .Unhealthy He wants you with him all the time and gets angry if you want to spend time with your friends.  You feel comfortable talking to him about what you do and don't feel comfortable with sexually.  He makes all the decisions about where the two of you hang out and what you do.  You want to introduce him to all of your family.  You feel like he doesn't listen to the things you talk about, but he talks about himself all the time.  He gets in a fight after school with another guy who was flirting with you.  You feel angry when he tells you that he doesn't like holding hands in public.  He respects your need for privacy  When you are hanging out in a group of friends, he gets a laugh out of 'making fun of you' in front of everyone.  You tell your girlfriends every move he makes and the secrets he shares with you.  He does thoughtful things for you, and is respectful to your parents.  You feel like you need to impress him by buying and wearing certain clothes, even though they're not really 'you.'  You can talk to him about your fears or your beliefs or things that matter to you.

Sometimes a guy is fun and cute and great about letting you be yourself, but he’s lacking in other areas, like he may not be so cool around your parents or your friends. Guys are guys, which means they aren’t perfect. So you don’t have to hold yours up to an unreachable standard. But we do think that girls with Girl Power should be able to spot a good guy when they meet one (or as they get to know one), and can pick out a bad one, too.

Red Flags

And there are some bad ones out there. Ever heard of “red flags”? Red flags are big- time warnings, the equivalent of a red card in soccer, meaning “out of the game—now!” In relationships, you have to watch for red flags. Here’s a list of red flags to help clue you in to an unhealthy relationship should you hook up with a bad, or even dangerous, guy. These are things that should be a deal breaker, no excuses allowed . . . out of the dating game—now!

Is he overly jealous? (Remember, love is not jealous, so don’t fool yourself into thinking he just likes you SOOO much if he gets jealous too easily.)

Does he get angry if you even talk to another guy?

Does he make you feel guilty if you do things with your friends or your family instead of him?

Does he use crude or disrespectful language when talking about girls or women in general?

Is he mean to animals?

Does he like to start fights or act like he will?

Does he blame you when he gets angry?

Is he EVER physically rough?

Does he use insulting words toward you or your friends?

Does he embarrass you in public?

Does he push you to do things sexually that you are not ready for?

Does he cheat or steal or use drugs?

Protecting Yourself

Some of this sounds scary. We don’t want to scare you about relationships, but we do want you to know what can be lurking out there. Plus, if you want to figure out what true love is like, it helps to know what it’s