his wife, and so I know it. I know it by heart. He was another wonderful young man, I'm sorry to report. But Trig would not have killed anyone, not even by accident.
The accounts that portray him as a naive idiot are simply wrong. Trig was an extremely capable young man. He would not have blown himself up and he would not have blown up the building without checking the building. He was very thorough, very Harvard in that way. He was competent, completely competent, not one of those dreamy idiots.'
Bob nodded.
'Fitzpatrick,' he said, then over again.
'Fitzpatrick.
There's not a record, a photo of Fitzpatrick, anything solid.'
'No .. . not even in the sketchbook.'
'I see,' said Bob.
It took several seconds before he made the next connection.
'Which sketchbook?' he asked.
'Why, Trig was an artist, Mr. Swagger. He had a sketchbook with him always. It was a kind of visual diary.
He kept one everywhere. He kept one at Oxford. He kept one here, during his last days. I still have it.'
Bob nodded.
'Has anybody seen it?'
'No.'
'Mrs. Carter, could--' 'Of course,' the old lady said.
'I've been waiting all these years for someone to look at it.'
CHAPTER thirty-eight.
The thing was dirty. Thick and motheaten, it had the softness of old parchment, but also of filth: the lead of pencil and the dust of charcoal lay thick on every page.
To touch it was to come away with stained fingertips. That gave it an air of tremendous intimacy: the last will and testament or, worse, a reliquary of Saint Trig the Martyr.
Bob felt somehow blasphemed as he peered into it, pausing to mark the dates on the upper right hand of the cover: 'Oxford, 1970--T. C. Carter III.'
But it had this other thing. It was familiar. Why was it familiar? He looked at the creamy stock and realized that it was in this book Trig had drawn his picture of Donny and Julie, then ripped it out to give to Donny. Bob had seen it in Vietnam. The strange sense of a ghost chilled him.
He turned the first pages. Birds. The boy had drawn birds originally. The first several pages were lovely, lively with English sparrows, rooks, small, undistinguished flyers, nothing with plumage or glory to it. But you could tell he had the gift. He could make a single spidery line sing, he could capture the blur of flight or the patience of a tiny, instinct-driven brain sedate in its fragile skull as the creature merely perched, conceiving no yesterday or tomorrow.
He caught the ordinariness of birds quite extraordinarily.
But soon his horizons expanded, as if he were awaking from a long sleep. He began to notice things. The drawings became extremely casual little blots of density where out of nothing Trig would suddenly decide to record 'View from the loo,' and do an exquisite little picture of the alley out back of his digs, the dilapidated brickiness of it, the far, lofty towers of the university in the distance, or, 'Mr. Jenson, seen in a pub,' and Mr. Jenson would throb to life, with veins and carbuncles and a hairy forest in his nose. Or: 'Thames, at the point, the boat houses,' and there it would be, the broad river, green in suggestion, the smaller river branching off, the incredible greenness of it all, the willows weeping into the water, the high, bright English sun suffusing the whole scene, although it was a miniature in black pencil, dashed off in a second. Still, Bob could feel it, taste it, whatever, even if he didn't quite know what it was.
Trig was losing himself in the legendary beauty of Oxford in the spring. Who could blame him? He drew lanes, parks, buildings that looked like old castles, pubs, rivers, English fields, as if he were tasting the world for the first time.
But then it all went away. The vacation was over. At first Bob squinted. He could not understand as he turned to the new page, the images had a near abstraction to them, but then they gradually emerged from the fury of the passion-smeared charcoal. It was the girl, the child, reduced to shape, running out of the flames of her village, which had just been splashed in American fire. Bob remembered seeing it: the war's most famous, most searing image, the child naked and exposed to the fierce world, her face a mask of shock and numbness yet achingly alive.
She was shamelessly naked, but modesty meant nothing, for one could see the cottage-cheesey streaks where the napalm had burned her, as it had incinerated her family behind her. Even a man whose life has been saved by napalm had a sickening response to that image: Why? he wondered now, all the years later. Why? She was just a child. We didn't fight it right, that was our goddamn problem.
He put the book down, looked off into the long darkness.
The black dogs were outside now, ready to pounce.
He needed a drink. His head hurt. His throat was dry.
Around him, in the empty studio, the birds danced and perched. The eagle fixed him with its panicked glare.
When will this shit be over? he wondered and went back to the sketchbook.
Trig too had had some kind of powerful emotional reaction. He'd given himself over to flesh. The next few pages were husky boys, working-class studs, their muscles taut, their butts prominent, their fingers naturally curled
