“Ruined!” Dr. X moaned.
“You moaned that before,” Max said.
“I’m ruined again. This is the second time.”
“Yes, twice in one day is something to moan about,” Max admitted. “But, it shouldn’t be a surprise. After all, ruin, dishonor and cloudy skies are the usual result of trying to play ball with the Forces of Evil. Or, as a great philosopher once put it: Bad Guys Never Win!”
“I’ve learned my lesson,” Dr. X sobbed. “I’ll never experiment with invisibility again. I’ll stick to what I know- formulas for cake mixes.”
“You mean-?”
“Yes,” Dr. X replied, “that’s my regular work. I developed the invisibility formula by accident. I was working on a mix for an upside-down cake. Only, I got it wrong side up. I didn’t want to waste the batter I had left, though. So I added a few drops of coloring and just a pinch of salt-hoping that would turn it right side up-upside-down, that is.”
“But it didn’t work.”
“No. The whole thing disappeared. That’s when I realized that I had developed an invisibility serum.”
“That’s too bad,” Max said. “The world could use a good upside-down cake mix.”
“Maybe I’ll try again someday,” Dr. X said. “In a few years-after this episode today has become nothing but a bitter memory.”
“Well, good luck,” Max said, extending a hand. “It’s been a pleasant mission, Doctor. You’ve been a worthy adversary.”
“Nice of you to say so,” Dr. X replied, smiling, taking Max’s hand. “I hope we-”
Like a stone, Dr. X dropped to the floor.
“Your ring, Max,” 99 said. “You injected him with the paralyzing drug.”
Max looked down at the unconscious Dr. X. “Sorry about that,” he said.
“Shouldn’t we do something for him, Max?” 99 said.
“No. After what he’s been through today, he can probably use the rest,” Max said. “Let’s just tiptoe out. It’s the kindest thing we could do.”
In a kindly way, Max, 99 and Fang tiptoed out.
Max closed the stateroom door, then they walked down the corridor, and, a few moments later, stepped out on deck.
“It’s morning!” 99 said, surprised. “We were up all night!”
“Yes, there’s the rosy-fingered dawn,” Max said, “Gorgeous, isn’t it?”
“Lovely,” 99 sighed blissfully. “And, just think, Max-now we can enjoy it. Our mission is accomplished. For the next few days, we can relax and enjoy the cruise.”
“At least, what you can see of it from the brig,” a voice from behind them said.
As one, Max, 99 and Fang whipped around. Confronting them were the Captain and the nosy steward.
“Top o’ the morning to you, Captain,” Max said cheerily. “And the bottom o’ the morning to you, steward,” he added.
“They’re the ones who did it, Captain,” the steward said.
“I doubt it,” the Captain answered. “I don’t think they could handle it. Even if that is what happened.”
“What are we talking about?” Max asked.
“The ocean,” the Captain replied. “There’s a theory afoot that it’s been stolen.”
“I see. But you don’t believe it.”
“That’s pretty far-fetched,” the Captain said.
“I’ll go along with that,” Max said.
“It’s obvious what really happened,” the Captain said. “I told them back at the office that some day this was going to happen. If we keep driving these big ships back and forth through the ocean, I told them, some day it’s bound to happen.”
“What was bound to happen, Captain?”
“We wore it out,” the Captain replied. “You can’t drive a bunch of big ships back and forth through an ocean, year after year after year, and not expect it to finally wear out. It’s only water, you know. It’s not made of iron.”
“I see the logic of that,” Max said.
“Oh, well, no matter,” the Captain smiled. “It’ll be deductible from our income tax. Depreciation.”
“All’s well that ends well,” Max smiled.
“My sentiments exactly,” the Captain said. He turned to the steward. “Take these three to the brig.”
“Max-do something!” 99 begged. “I don’t want to spend the cruise in the brig!”
“Do you have any suggestions?” he said.
“Can’t we tell them who we really are, Max? What harm is there in it? After all, our mission is accomplished.”
“Rule 301, 99. A secret agent must never reveal his identity.”
“Oh, hang Rule 301!”
“Well, as a matter of fact, there is a qualifying clause to Rule 301,” Max said. “Let’s see… how does it go? Oh, yes! Rule 301, Clause A: ‘A secret agent must never reveal his identity unless it would be inconvenient not to do so.’ I think this situation is covered by that clause.”
“Tell them, Max”
“Captain… steward…” Max said, “… inconvenience forces me to reveal our true identities. The fact is, we are not a brilliant space scientist, his attractive assistant, and a scientific experiment. The truth of the matter is, we are dedicated secret agents, operating out of Control.”
“You’re out of control, all right, if you expect me to believe that,” the Captain said.
“If you won’t believe me, will you believe my assistant?” Max asked.
“She’s a pretty little thing,” the Captain said, “but those kind always tell the biggest whoppers.”
“All right, then, would you believe my dog?”
“Rorff!” Fang barked.
“That’s closer to it,” the Captain said. “But I’m still nagged by a pinch of a doubt.”
“Then,” Max said hopefully, “would you believe the Chief?”
“That guy in the Injun Room? Why should I believe him? He sold me a ballpoint pen that burns holes in the paper everytime I try to write a check.”
“This is a different Chief,” Max explained. “The Chief I’m referring to is head of Control.”
“Well… I’ll listen to his story,” the Captain said. “Where is he?”
“Back on the mainland,” Max replied.
The Captain turned to the steward again. “Lock ’em up.”
“Hold it!” Max said. “In spite of the fact that the Chief is hundreds-nay, thousands-of miles away, I am still able to communicate with him.”
“How?” the Captain said dubiously.
“I’ll call him on my shoe,” Max replied.
“Lock ’em up!”
“Hold it again!” Max protested. “You didn’t give me a chance to explain. You see, in fact, my shoe is really a telephone.”
The Captain smiled. “After you get out of the brig,” he said, “you’ll have to drop by my stateroom. I have a compass up there that will interest you. It’s really a dozen-and-a-half avocado pears.”
“Just let me prove to you that my shoe is a telephone,” Max said. “That’s all I ask-the chance to call the Chief on my shoe.”
The Captain rolled his eyes heavenward. “Granted,” he said.
Max removed his shoe, then dialed.
Max: Hello, Chief? This is Agent 86. Come in, please.
(silence)
Max: Chief? Are you there, Chief? Come in, Chief! This is Max. Please come in, Chief. The fate of an entire cruise hangs in the balance.
