check in,” he said. “The Chief will be glad to hear that we’re finally on our way.”
“Ask him if he knows of any romantic things to do,” Peaches said.
“Sorry,” Max said, dialing. “This is a business phone.”
Operator: Sorry, sir, this is impossible.
Max: Impossible, Operator? What’s impossible?
Operator: You’re calling from a compartment on a train, sir. That can’t be done.
Max: Operator, this is official business. Couldn’t you make an exception?
Operator: Well… just this once. If you promise you won’t do it again.
Max: I promise. Now, please, connect me with Control.
Operator: Yes, sir. Here is your number, sir.
Chief: Control, here.
Max: Is that you, Chief?
Chief: Da.
Max: Da, Chief?
Chief: That’s Russian for ‘yes,’ Max. I assume you’re calling from Moscow.
Max: Well, no, not exactly, Chief. We’re a little short of that mark.
Chief: From New York, then?
Max: We’re a wee bit short of that mark, too, Chief.
Chief: Miami, Florida?
Max: That’s in the other direction, Chief.
Chief: Baltimore, Maryland?
Max: You’re getting warmer, Chief. Try Washington, D.C.
Chief: Max! You haven’t even left town yet?
Max: Chief, it isn’t because we haven’t tried. We’ve tried it by plane, and we’ve tried it by car. Now, we’re trying it by train.
Chief: I see. You’re taking a train to New York. Is that right?
Max: No, Chief, the train is taking us to New York. You see, we’re in a compartment, and the train is on the tracks.
Chief: You didn’t have to tell me that. I know how a train goes.
Max (smiling smugly): How does a train go, Chief? There’s a very funny answer to that. Want to hear it?
Chief: I don’t have to hear it, Max. I know how a train goes. It goes: Choo-Choo-Choo! I can hear it over your shoe.
Operator (breaking in): So that’s how you’re doing it, is it? — talking on a shoe. I knew we didn’t have any telephones in any train compartments.
Max: All right, now you know. Will you please get off the line, Operator? This is a private conversation.
Operator: Is that your shoe or our shoe?
Max: It’s my shoe.
Chief: Sorry to dispute you, Max. But, actually, that isn’t your shoe. We lease that shoe from the Telephone Company.
Max: Maybe so. But I keep it under my bed. That should give me some rights.
Operator: It’s our shoe, so I can listen to your conversation.
Max: Chief, couldn’t you arrange to buy this shoe from the Telephone Company?
Chief: They won’t sell, Max.
Max: Why not?
Chief: They don’t want to break up a pair.
Max: Oh. Well… I can understand that.
Chief: Max, has Peaches broken the code yet?
Max: I’m afraid Peaches has lost interest in the code, Chief. Our hard-hearted Hannah has turned into a soft-headed Susie. If you know what I mean.
Chief: No, Max, I don’t know what you mean.
Operator: Me, neither.
Max: Well, folks, what I mean is, our Peaches has gone soft. She thinks we’re doomed, and she wants to live a little before she goes. Her only interest at the moment is Romance.
Operator: With a capital ‘R’? Good for her.
Chief: Well, I guess you’ll just have to make the best of it, Max. Try breaking the code yourself.
Max: I’m one step ahead of you, Chief.
Operator: In our shoe? Watch where you step in that shoe.
Max: As I was saying, Chief, I’m already at work on the code. Do you see any connection between Papa Bear and Dooms Day?
Chief: No, I don’t, Max. How did you arrive at Papa Bear?
Max: It wasn’t easy. I started with money. That gave me Goldilocks. And Goldilocks suggested Papa Bear.
Operator: Why Papa Bear? Why not all three of the bears?
Max: Because Noman is a male. And Papa Bear is a male.
Operator: Maybe Baby Bear was a male, too. I think you picked the wrong bear.
Max: You may be right, Operator. Let’s see… Baby Bear. Or, if you turn that around, you get Bear Baby. Or, to put it another way, bare baby. And all newly-born babies are bare. So, what we’re looking for is-no, I don’t think that’s it.
Chief: Max, keep working on it. I know you’ll come up with something. And… keep in touch.
Operator: Don’t encourage him to make a lot of calls, Chief. We don’t want him to wear out our shoe.
Chief: Good-by, Max.
Max: So long, Chief.
Operator: Keep your laces tight, Max.
Max put his shoe back on.
“That was the Chief,” he said to Peaches. “And the Operator,” he added.
“Shhh! I’m thinking.”
Max looked out the window. “Well, we’re on our way,” he said. “We’ve left the station.”
“Will you stop bothering me with trifling little details,” Peaches said. “I’m trying to-”
She was interrupted as the door of the compartment opened and the porter stepped in. He was holding a gun. And he quickly closed the door behind him.
“If you’re peddling guns, we don’t want any,” Max said, annoyed.
“Max!” Peaches shrieked. “It’s Noman!”
Noman smiled. “I would have been around sooner,” he said, “but I didn’t want to interrupt while you were on the shoe.”
“A fellow with good shoe manners can’t be all bad,” Max said. “Noman, let’s make a deal. Let me keep the Dooms Day Plan, and I’ll try to talk the Chief into giving you a job at Control. There are a lot of benefits connected with being on the side of the Good Guys.”
“Like what?” Noman asked.
“Peace of mind.”
“At KAOS we get three weeks vacation after twelve years.”
“Well, at Control we get a sense of accomplishment.”
“We get time-and-a-half for overtime. And overtime is any time after we sight our victim.”
“We have a friendly atmosphere,” Max responded.
“Our cafeteria serves chocolate sauce on the ice cream,” Noman said. “Even on the chocolate ice cream.”
“Well, I can’t match that,” Max admitted. “I guess you’ll just have to go your way, and I’ll go mine.” He stepped toward the door. “Excuse me-I’ll go mine.”
Noman pressed the pistol against his abdomen. “You can go your way,” he said, “but you’ll go feet first if you don’t hand over that Plan.”
