And Loving It!

“Max, why would anybody want to pretend to be the New York Public Library?”

“Maybe he’s interested in meeting some pigeons on a personal basis.”

“I hardly think so.”

“Then maybe-”

“Will you let me get on with the briefing, Max?” the Chief said. “The fact is that, in spite of what he did to Agent 32, Guru Optimo is not a bad fellow. He’s a simple peasant-a kind of Indian farm boy. And, being simple, he’s easily talked into things. A few weeks ago, after I heard about his talent for instant hypnotism, I sent Agent 32 to make contact with him. My idea was to get him to use his gift in the service of the Good Guys. To make a long story short, Agent 32 found him, made the offer, and Guru Optimo agreed.”

“Couldn’t we hear the long story, Chief?” Max said. “Cutting it short like that, you leave out all the thrilling parts.”

“There isn’t time, Max. Speed is essential. The fate of the entire civilized world depends on the outcome of this mission. Now, as I was saying, Agent 32 made contact with-”

“You told us that, Chief.”

“I know. I was just-”

“I thought you were in such a hurry. If you’re in such a hurry, why are you repeating yourself?”

“Max, please!”

“Just trying to help, Chief.”

“Max, the one way to help me is not to help me. Just keep quiet and listen. Now. . as Agent 32 was escorting Guru Optimo to the air terminal, where they were to get a plane that would bring them here, a KAOS agent intervened. The KAOS agent talked Guru Optimo into joining the Bad Guys. And, for good measure, he had him use his hypnotic power to make Agent 32 think he was the New York Public Library.”

“I see. So, now, Guru Optimo is in the clutches of the Bad Guys.”

“No.”

“See what happens when you make a long story short, Chief? You leave out the most important part. You forgot to tell us how we got Guru Optimo back.”

“We didn’t get him back, Max. Let me finish the story. The KAOS agent took Guru Optimo to the air terminal, where he intended to get a plane that would take them to KAOS headquarters. But he made one mistake. He let Guru Optimo out of his sight for a moment. He went to the cigar counter to get a newspaper, and when he returned he found Guru Optimo in conversation with a man who has since been identified as Lucky Bucky Buckley. Buckley is a small-time talent agent, and while the KAOS agent was gone, he talked Guru Optimo into deserting with him.”

“Chief, didn’t the KAOS agent do anything about it?” 99 said.

“He tried to. But Guru Optimo, under Lucky Bucky Buckley’s influence, hypnotized him.”

“What is he now, Chief?” Max asked.

“He’s the lions on Agent 32’s knees.”

“Chief, I have a suggestion,” Max said. “Why don’t we just let this Lucky Bucky Buckley keep Guru Optimo? He sounds dangerous to me.”

“Max! Are you mad?”

“No, Chief. Did you say something to offend me?”

“I mean, don’t you realize what could happen? Guru Optimo could hypnotize every single person in the world. Do you know what that would mean?”

“More New York Public Libraries than we could use?”

“It means, Max, that whoever controls Guru Optimo controls the fate of mankind!”

“Well. . lucky Lucky Bucky Buckley.”

“And un-lucky us, Max. That’s why speed is so important. We have to regain control of Guru Optimo before civilization, as we know it, is totally disrupted. At this point, we’re not sure how Lucky Bucky Buckley intends to use Guru Optimo. Being a talent agent, he may only want to put him into show business. But we can’t take the chance.”

“I see. So you want 99 and me to locate Guru Optimo and lure him away from-”

“Just a minute, Max,” the Chief interrupted. “There’s something more I want to tell you. This mission is going to be a little different than any mission you’ve ever been on before. You and 99 will have an associate. You see, it’s not only Control that’s in danger this time. It’s everyone and everything-and that includes KAOS. So, for this one time-and this one time only-Control and KAOS are joining forces.”

“Chief, if I didn’t know better, I’d think you were telling me that we were going to have a KAOS agent working with us.”

“That’s right, Max.”

“Chief! Control and KAOS? That’s like mixing oranges and grapefruit! Do you know what the result will be? Fruit cocktail!”

The Chief looked uncomfortable. “Max. . just nevermind.”

“But, Chief, it’s preposterous! Put Bad Guys and Good Guys together, and do you know what you get? You get G-b-o-a-o-d-d Guys. And just try pronouncing that!”

“Max,” the Chief said grimly, “will you please not say any more about it. You’ll be sorry.”

Max shrugged. “Okay, Chief. Mine is not to wonder why, mine is but to go along with any goofy idea the brass cooks up.”

“Just remember that, Max. Now, the KAOS agent who will be working with you is V. T. Brattleboro. He-”

“How does he spell that, Chief?”

“Brattleboro?”

“Yes, Chief.”

“B-r-a-t-t-l-e-b-o-r-o.”

“A great help he’ll be,” Max said derisively. “He doesn’t even know how to spell his own name. It should be b-o-r-o-u-g-h, not b-o-r-o.”

“Maaaaaaaax!”

“All right, all right, Chief. I won’t say one more word. You know what’s best. If you think a good guy and a good girl can work together with a bad guy and get anything done, then I agree-you’re out of your mind.”

“Agree with whom?”

“With 99. She’s thinking that too.”

“Max, will you let me tell you about V. T. Brattleboro?” the Chief pleaded. “He was chosen for this assignment because, like Guru Optimo, he, too, is adept at hypnotism. They practice it a little differently, though. Guru Optimo clouds men’s minds and makes them think they’re anything he wants them to think they are. While Brattleboro clouds men’s minds and makes them think he is anything he wants them to think he is. Do you see the difference?”

“Yes and no.”

“Max, it’s one or the other, either you see or you don’t see.”

“All right, if I have to make a choice, then it’s no, I don’t understand.”

“I’ll give you an example,” the Chief said. He turned toward the painting of HIM. “Max. . 99. .” he said, “I would like you to meet V. T. Brattleboro.”

The painting stepped down from the frame, extending a hand. It no longer looked like HIM. Now, it was shorter, fatter, and wore a derby hat.

Max stared, flabbergasted. Then slowly he turned to the Chief. “You mean. . you mean that, all along, HIM has been a KAOS agent?”

“No, no, Max,” the Chief replied. “V. T. Brattleboro has simply clouded your mind, making you think that he was the painting of HIM.”

“Whew! — that’s a relief!” Max said. “Those KAOS agents are-”

“Max-watch it!” the Chief warned.

“-are probably very nice fellows, down deep,” Max said.

“I resent that,” V. T. Brattleboro responded. “If we’re going to work together, Smart, you’ll have to stop calling me names.”

“I take it back,” Max said contritely. “You’re a double-dealing dirty rat. And, what’s more, your father before