Max Smart Loses Control

derby hats and operate a candy factory at a very nice profit-up seventeen per cent last year.

Chief: I see. And this Ways and Means, as I understand it, they got away from you?

Max: Means and Ways, Chief. The way you say it-Ways and Means-it sounds funny. Yes, thanks to our fearless but stupid leader, they got away. And it’s my guess that they took Number One with them. We’ll probably never find her now. You might mention that to HIM the next time you’re talking to him.

Chief: Max, let me talk to Hymie.

Max: Hymie who, Chief?

Chief: You know who I mean, Max. Put him on!

Max: Chief, I have a suggestion. Wouldn’t it be better to put me in charge of the case? I could send Hymie back to headquarters and you could talk to him personally. A lot of misunderstandings result from poor communications, Chief. There might be static on the line, and Hymie might not understand what you were telling him.

Chief: Max!

Max handed his shoe to Hymie. “This may be a party line,” he said. “Don’t say anything you wouldn’t want your nearest and dearest friend to overhear.”

Hymie took over the phone, and, at the Chief’s insistence, began explaining what had gone wrong-and why.

“That’s the trouble with machines,” Max grumbled to 99. “Ask a straight question and you get a straight answer.”

“He took an oath to tell the Chief the truth, Max,” 99 said.

“I took that same oath, 99. But I had sense enough to cross my fingers when I took it. See? There’s further proof of the superiority of the human. A machine doesn’t think far enough ahead to cross its fingers when it’s taking an oath.”

Hymie handed the shoe back to Max. “He wants to talk to you again,” he said.

Max: This is a recorded announcement: Your party has been called away on business. If you would care to leave a message, please begin recording at the sound of the beep.

Operator: It’s him! It’s him, Chief! That recorded announcement is as phony as a ten-cent circuit-breaker!

Max: It takes one to know one!

Chief: Max! Stop it! All I want to say is that I understand why you feel so badly about Hymie being in charge of the case. I can put myself in your shoes. I know how I’d feel if HIM put you in charge of Control. I’d kill myself. But, Max, we must follow orders. So, please. . please, Max. . try not to do any thinking for yourself. Let Hymie make the decisions. All right?

(Silence)

Chief: Max! Are you there? Max, when I said I’d kill myself, I didn’t mean-

Max: Don’t get excited, Chief. I was just thinking.

Chief: Max, I told you to stop that.

Max: Oh. . not about the case exactly, Chief. I was just wondering. . when I said I was chewy and crunchy, didn’t that even give you a faint idea who I was?

(Silence)

Max: Chief? Chief? Are you there?

(Silence)

Max: Chief? Operator? Somebody?

(Silence)

Max put his shoe back on.

“What happened, Max?” 99 asked.

“The telephone workers must have suddenly gone on strike,” Max said. “We were cut off.”

4

Max, 99 and Hymie went to their respective apartments, got out of the sticky chocolate into some dry clothes, and then, after rendezvousing at Max’s, returned to the candy factory to look for some clue that might allow them to pick up the trail of Ways, Means and Number One.

“I wouldn’t be surprised to discover that Number One is still here in the candy factory,” Max said, speaking to 99, but making sure he could be overheard by Hymie. “But, if Hymie, our beloved brother agent, who is in charge of the case, wants me to look for evidence that she’s been taken away, then that’s what I’ll do. Mine is not to reason why, mine is but to do or die. Discipline is very important in secret agent work. Somebody has to be in charge, and somebody has to be the leader, and all the rest have to be the followers. It isn’t important that the followers might have more experience and-”

“Max. . please,” 99 said wearily.

“Am I running it into the ground, 99?”

“Yes, Max.”

“Well, it’s good to get resentments out of your system, you know, 99. If I kept it inside me, all bottled up, I might, in time, become a bitter old man.”

“Max, if I have to listen to much more, I suspect that, sooner than that, I’m going to become a bitter old woman.”

“Sorry, 99.”

“That’s all right, Max. Just-”

At that moment, Hymie called to them. He was holding a scrap of computer tape. “I think I found something,” he said. He showed the tape to Max and 99. On it was printed the letters: AU.

“You certainly did find something,” Max said. “Now throw it away, Hymie, and let’s keep looking for clues.”

“But I think this is a clue,” Hymie said. “My guess is that while Number One was being taken away she was thinking to herself-for want of something to do-and this is what she was thinking.”

“Au?” Max replied. “That’s thinking? I doubt it very much, Hymie. Maybe Means and Ways were feeding her information too fast and she was gagging.”

“No,” Hymie said. “Au means-”

“Or maybe one of them was standing on her foot,” Max suggested.

“Max, Number One doesn’t have a foot. I’m sure this is what she had on her mind. It’s like her. She probably overheard Ways and Means say where they were going to take her and she was mulling it over. She plays a little game sometimes when she’s bored. The word association game.”

“What place could she possibly associate with Au?” Max asked.

“Fort Knox,” Hymie replied.

Max snickered. “Did you get that, 99? Hymie thinks Number One associated Au with Fort Knox.”

“He might very well be right, Max,” 99 replied. “Au is the symbol for gold, you know. And gold and Fort Knox sure are a good match.”

“Oh,” Max said. “Well, of course, I knew all along that Au is the symbol for gold. But, Fort Knox? That may have been a good match a few decades ago, but today, when you ask yourself, ‘where’s the money,’ the answer is not Fort Knox. It’s Las Vegas.”

99 thought for a second. “You might be right, Max,” she decided.

“I think of Fort Knox,” Hymie said.

“All that proves is how square you are,” Max told him. “Just consider for a moment, Hymie. If you were Means and Ways, and you had to take a computer somewhere to keep her out of sight while you