Max Smart Loses Control

looks very suspicious-a grown man playing with telephones. It’s probably not play to you, I’ll bet. You’ve probably got the whole world bugged. Not that I mind. But you know what it’ll do to Mother when she finds out. Her daughter married to a bugger! She’ll start having her fainting fits again. Harold! Please! Give it up! Go straight! For Mother’s sake!

Harold: Maxie-boo, I can’t be your answering service anymore. I’m going out of business.

Max: I’m very glad to hear that, Harold. I’m sure Mother will be pleased, too.

Harold: Who cares about her? I’m doing it for the profit I’ll make on declaring bankruptcy.

Operator: Don’t forget my cut! It was my idea!

Chief: Operator. . Harold. . please. . would you get off the line? Max. . are you still there?

Max: Am I still where, Chief?

Harold: He’s sure dumb, all right. It’s a pity to lose a customer like that. I could overcharge him and he’d never know it.

Operator: Maybe you’d like to reconsider, Harold. Whatever you decide, Mother will be pleased. She looks on you like her own son.

Harold: I thought your mother had only girls.

Operator: That’s what I mean.

Max: Operator, I don’t think I under-

Chief: Max! Forget it! I want to talk to you. Why do you think I called you at two twenty-two in the morning? I couldn’t sleep. I’m worried about this case. What progress have you made?

Max: I’ll have to ask Hymie, Chief. He’s in charge-remember?

Chief: Then put him on.

Max: He’s in another room, Chief. But I’ll go get him. In the meantime, you can talk to Harold and the Operator. Try to find out, will you, why. the Operator’s mother thinks of Harold as her own son when she only has daughters.

Max slipped his slipper back on his foot, then went to Hymie’s room. Hymie was asleep. But Max woke him and told him the Chief was on the line and wanted to talk to him.

“What time is it?” Hymie asked groggily.

Max looked at his watch. “Two o’clock in the morning,” he replied. Then he sat down on the edge of Hymie’s bed, took off his slipper, and handed it to Hymie.

Hymie: Chief? Why are you calling at two o’clock in the morning?

Harold: You’ve been swimming with your watch on, too, I’ll bet.

Hymie: Who’s this?

Operator: Hymie, that’s Harold. He’s my brother-in-law-although Mother thinks of him as her own son, practically. He’s in the telephone answering service business.

Chief: Forget all that, Hymie. I’m the one who’s calling you. I couldn’t sleep. I want to know how the case is progressing.

Operator: Should Harold be listening to this, Chief? You’ve heard about his connection with KAOS, I suppose.

Chief: Nobody’s supposed to be listening, Operator! I want this line cleared! Understand! Cleared!

Hymie handed the slipper back to Max. “He didn’t want to talk to me, after all,” he said. “He told me to get off the line.”

Max shook his head in dismay. “The Chief is getting old in his old age,” he said sorrowfully. “It’s a sure sign when you start calling people up at two o’clock in the morning and you don’t even want to talk to them. I hope he doesn’t make a habit of it.” He looked thoughtful. “Maybe I better get myself an answering service,” he said.

7

Max was awakened roughly the next morning, and when he managed to open his eyes he found Hymie shaking him.

“We overslept, Max,” Hymie explained.

Max reached for his watch, which he had placed on the bedside table. “It’s only two o’clock in the morning!” he complained.

“Your watch stopped, Max-remember?”

“Oh. . yes.” Max sat up. “What time is it, actually?” he asked.

“Nine, Max.”

“Oh? What are we late for?” Max asked. “If we overslept, we must be late for something. And, if we’re late- why bother? We’ve probably already missed the important part. Let’s go back to sleep and try again tomorrow morning.”

“There’s no time for sleep, Max,” Hymie said. “I think we’re in danger. Ways and Means are trying to trick us. When I got up a few minutes ago, I switched on my bedside computer, and it told me to go clean-shaven this morning.”

Max peered at him. “You’re still wearing your handlebar mustache,” he said. “You mean you defied your bedside computer, Hymie? That’s terrible. That could mean seven years bad luck!”

“That’s a superstition, Max,” Hymie said.

“Oh, it is, is it? Well, what would you say if I told you that my uncle Harry defied his bedside computer once, and his seven years bad luck started immediately?”

“What happened, Max?”

“He broke a mirror.”

“All right, Max, it’s seven years bad luck. But what bothers me is, I’m afraid it’s a trick. I think Ways and Means want us to discard our mustaches so they can recognize us.”

Max shook his head. “That’s ridiculous, Hymie. They already recognized us. Remember? When we were face to face with them last night, Means stared at me and said, ‘You!’ And Ways stared at you and said, ‘You!’” He frowned. “Or was it the other way around? Maybe it was Ways who stared at me, and Means who stared at you. I’m a little fuzzy on that.”

“What difference does it make, Max?”

Max shrugged. “How should I know? You’re the man-in-charge-you tell me.”

“Max, I don’t think that saying ‘You!’ means that they recognized us,” Hymie said. “Or, if it does, it doesn’t mean that they recognized us as Max Smart and Hymie. It could mean that they recognized us as the two hired hands they hired.”

“Hymie, this is getting a little confusing. Could you start at the beginning?”

“I came over here to find out if your bedside computer will give you the same orders that mine gave me,” Hymie said. “If it does, that will probably indicate that all the computers are giving the same order to everybody.”

“So?”

“So, if that’s the way it is, we’ll have to figure out what it means, and act accordingly,” Hymie said.

Max reached over and punched a button on his bedside computer. There was a clicking sound, then the computer disgorged a tape. Max tore it off and read it.

The tape said: IT PAYS TO LOOK WELL. GO CLEAN-SHAVEN TODAY.

“That’s a nice thought,” Max said.

“It’s a trick,” Hymie said.