6
Deprived of the expert assistance of the old prospector, Max and 99 started down the mountain path alone again in the darkness.
“Max. . I can’t see a thing!” 99 complained.
“I can’t either, 99. I wonder why we can’t see the town. Surely, those assassins must have at least one lantern lit.”
“Maybe they didn’t bring kerosene.”
“A candle, then.”
“Assassins just aren’t known for lighting candles in the darkness, Max.”
“I guess you’re right. But-99. . are you whispering?”
“No, Max. But I was just going to ask you the same thing. I can hardly hear you.”
“Uhhhh. . 99, do you have the feeling you’re going uphill again? I do. And if you don’t, that probably means that we’re no longer together. Or, to put it another way, that somehow we separated, and you’re still going down, while I’m going up.”
“I think we separated, Max. Turn around and come back this way. I’ll keep talking so you can follow the sound of my voice. How am I coming in? Can you hear me better now?”
“Perfectly, 99.”
“Oh! You startled me. Where are you, right next to me?”
“I’m ahead of you again, 99. Let’s go. Follow me.”
“Max. . maybe we better hold hands.”
“99, we did that all through the courting. Now that we’re married, can’t we cut out all that goopy stuff? We’ll have to sooner or later, anyway, when we have children. You know how kids hate that goopy stuff. You wouldn’t want to lose the respect of the children, would you, 99? They might switch to another channel.”
“They might do
“Uhh. . run away from home, I meant. The new generation is very TV-conscious, I understand. So, naturally, some of the television terminology gets into the everyday language. I practice bridging the generation gap every chance I get-terminology-wise, that is-in case we have children of our own some day.”
“Do you want children, Max?”
“Of course, 99.”
“Then I think we better continue holding hands every once in a while. That’s how it begins.”
“No kidding!” Max said. “My mother always told me she got me at the grocery store.”
“Max, have you ever seen any children on sale at the A amp; P?”
“Of course not, 99. But I was born in the days of the corner grocery, when you could get personal service. So, I just naturally figured that- 99, have you noticed that we’re not going downhill again any more?”
“Yes, Max. But we’re not going uphill, either. I think we must be down from the mountain. Now all we have to do is find our way back to the town again. It ought to be- Oh, sorry, Max.”
“My fault-I should have warned you I intended to stop. I want to try to get my bearings. As I recall, the mountain was back that way. So, logically, the town ought to be over that way. Is that how you remember it, 99?”
“Max, I can’t see where you’re pointing.”
“Oh. . yes. . well, let me put it another way. that puts the town to my right. Do you- Uhhhhh, you can’t see me, so you don’t know my right from my left-right?”
“Right, Max.” 99 replied. “But, may I make a suggestion?”
“Go right ahead.”
“Max, if you think the town is to the right, then-considering the various experiences we’ve had in the past-I think we better look for it on the left. I mean, you’re a great hand-holder, Max, but as a direction-finder, you leave a lot to be desired. I hope you won’t resent my frankness.”
“Of course not, 99. Two people, when they’re married, I think,
“Honest, Max, you have a very nice breath.”
“Oh. Well, that’s the kind of frankness I can accept. It’s the other kind that I find so objectionable. However, we’ll look for the town on the left, anyway. Because now, after all this delay, I’m so turned-around, I don’t know which was my right and which was my left. And, consequently, by going left we will probably be going right-which will prove that I was right in the first place.” He got hold of 99’s hand. “Come on.”
Again, Max and 99 struck out into the darkness.
“99,” Max said, “there’s something that puzzles me. Why is it that you were never as frank with me while we were courting as you’ve been since we got married?”
“Well, Max, you might not have been interested in marrying me if you’d realized how frank I can be sometimes. But, now that we’re married, what can you do about it? I mean, you can’t get a divorce on the grounds that I’m frank. Frankness is a very admirable trait. The court would just tell you that you ought to be happy to have a wife who was so frank.”
“The court hasn’t ever had its direction-findingness sneered at,” Max grumbled. “That wasn’t very nice of you, 99. When did you ever hear of any other wife complaining about her husband’s direction-findingness?”
“Most wives don’t have any cause to complain about that, Max,” 99 replied. “After they’re married, they don’t have to worry about finding directions because their husbands never take them anywhere.”
“Oh. Well, you can’t say that about our marriage,” Max commented. “Remember last month when I took you to that mass poisoning planned by KAOS for the meeting of the International Brotherhood for Non-Violent Peace Negotiations Association delegates? And the week after that when I took you to that trap that KAOS had planned for us and we nearly lost our heads in that pair of matching guillotines? And now, here we are again, out on the town, wandering around in the dark, surrounded by KAOS assassins.”
“You’re right, Max,” 99 admitted. “We have something most married couples don’t have. Not once since we’ve been married have I had cause to complain that you don’t take me anywhere. But, frankly, Max-”
“Forget it, 99. If you want to continue to be invited along to mass poisonings, you’ll lay off that frankness.”
“All right, Max. Max. . isn’t it getting a little lighter?”
“I noticed that, too, 99. It’s my guess that one of those KAOS assassins decided to turn over a new leaf. He’s probably celebrating by lighting a candle in the darkness.”
“Either that, Max, or dawn is breaking.”
“Yes. . I suppose it could be that,” Max said. “As a matter of fact, isn’t that the sun over there? That orange glow on the horizon, I mean.”
“Yes! And I can see you again, Max!”
“And I can see you, too, 99. And I can also see- 99, look where we are.”
99 looked around. She and Max were standing in the middle of a dusty street, smack-dab in the center of town. “Oh, Max!” she said disgustedly. “There’s the saloon over there. We’re only about fifty yards from it. All this time we’ve been wandering around in the darkness, we could have been searching for the Coolidge-head penny in the saloon! We’ve wasted so much time!”
“Let’s just not waste any more,” Max said. And he headed hurriedly toward the saloon, which was on the other side of the hotel.
As Max and 99 were passing the entrance to the hotel, however, Arbuthnot suddenly appeared from the doorway. He was dressed in a gray sweatsuit and was trotting. The instant he spotted Max and 99 he drew a pistol from inside his sweatshirt, where, apparently, he had a shoulder holster, pointed it at them and ordered them to halt.
“And face the other direction-you’re breathing your germs on me!” Arbuthnot said irritably. “What’s the world coming to, anyway! A man gets up at the crack of dawn and goes out for a little jogging, and what does he meet right outside his door? Germ-spreaders!”
“Anybody who can jog at the crack of dawn deserves anything terrible that happens to him,” Max answered. “Nice people can’t even crawl to the breakfast table at the crack of dawn, let alone make it to the street to go
