chair. It’s the most comfortable piece of furniture in the universe. My ass wants to divorce me and marry it.
“So, Jimmy, killed anyone interesting lately?”
“No. The ones I killed today were already dead and just needed reminding.”
“I’m sure they appreciated that.”
“No one complained.”
“What flavor of undead were they?”
“Vampires.”
“Young ones? God, I hate them.”
Lucifer lights up a Malediction. I know he wants me to ask for one, so I don’t.
“Why are you up here? Shouldn’t you be Downtown spanking the guilty and slaughtering your generals? Or are you taking early retirement so you can spend more time with the grandkids?”
“Nothing so dramatic. I’m in town doing some consulting work.”
“What kind?”
“Why does anyone come to L.A.?”
“To kill people.”
“No, that’s just you. Normal people come here to get into the movies.”
“You’re in a movie?”
“Of course not. I’m here as a technical adviser. A producer friend is in preproduction for a big-budget film of my life story.”
“Please tell me you’re bringing Ed Wood back from the dead to direct it.”
“This is strictly an A-list project. I’m disappointed, Jimmy. I thought you’d be more excited. You love movies.”
“Why do you need a biopic? About half the movies ever made are horror flicks and aren’t all horror flicks really about you? So, you already have about ten thousand movies.”
“But those are metaphorical. Even the ones where I’m depicted, it’s never really me. This will be the real thing. The true story. My side of the story.”
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but who fucking cares? Are there really enough Satanists and girls in striped stockings to pay for a flick like that?”
“It’s a prestige picture, Jimmy. Sometimes a studio makes a movie it knows won’t show a near-term profit because they know that it’s the right thing to do artistically.”
“You own the head of the studio, don’t you? Someone sold you their soul for fame and power and hot and cold running starlets and this is them paying you off.”
“It’s only a partial payoff. I still own the soul.”
Lucifer goes to a desk and comes back with a framed piece of black velvet, like something a jeweler would have. It’s covered with small shiny objects. A pocketknife. A pair of wire-rimmed glasses missing one lens. A pair of Shriner cuff links. A sleeping netsuke cat. He picks up a small gold necklace.
“I take something from everyone whose soul I hold. Not take. They choose what they want to give me. It’s a symbolic act. A physical reminder of our deal. These are trinkets from Hollywood friends.”
He holds the gold necklace higher so I can get a good look.
“This is Simon’s. Simon Ritchie. The head of the studio. Simon imagines that he’s very clever. Very ironic. The necklace belonged to his first wife. It was her First Communion gift. A rosary necklace with a pretty little cross. Of course, she was just a girl when she received it, so at some point she added a gold unicorn charm. A darling thing, though I’m not sure the Church would approve.”
“What does he or she get for all this?”
“Simon? He gets a little more time.”
Lucifer takes a long drag on the Malediction and puts the necklace back with the other soul souvenirs.
“That’s all you people ever want. A little more time in a world that all of you, in your heart of hearts, secretly despise.”
“I don’t keep it a secret.”
“And that’s why I like you, Jimmy. We’re alike in so many ways. Plus, you’re so very good at making things dead. That’s what you’re going to do for me while I’m here. Not kill so much as prevent a killing, namely mine. You’re going to be my bodyguard whenever I’m out in public.”
“You’re the devil. You gave God a rusty trombone and lived to talk about it. Why would you need a bodyguard?”
“Of course, no one can kill me permanently, but this physical body I inhabit on earth can be injured, even destroyed. Wouldn’t it be embarrassing if it turned up riddled with bullets? We don’t want that kind of negative buzz just as the production is getting off the ground.”
“You need a new PR guy, not a bodyguard.”
“All the most famous people travel with private security these days, don’t they? You’re mine. Sandman Slim by my side, ready to snap necks at a moment’s notice. That will be quite a photo op. For both of us.”
