you initiated the confrontation. Sadly, it makes absolutely no difference to the arriving police; they are going to arrest you because that is the law. A report of domestic violence means that somebody goes to jail. If she made the call, you are the one who’s going.
The beer on your breath isn’t helping either. After being handcuffed and arrested, probably right in front of your child if you have one, you get processed into the jail. This could take hours. You get a statutory phone call, but reaching an attorney on a Friday night is simply not going to happen. The attorneys will be back in the office on Monday, so unless you’ve got his home phone number and a solid relationship, you’re stuck until then. Regardless, in most jurisdictions you must be held for 24 hours before you are eligible for release.
Saturday morning rolls around and you share a phone with several other men in the cell while trying to reach some relative or an attorney to bail you out. Here’s where it often gets really ugly: While you are on the phone trying to make bail, your significant other has gone to the bank and removed all of the money from your joint account.
Sunday rolls around and you still are not out of jail yet, but you discover that there is a twenty day Temporary Restraining Order (TRO) against you that she has imposed by simply asking for it. In most cases, no proof is needed for a TRO, only an accusation. Since the law errs on the side of caution when it comes to accusations of domestic violence and spousal abuse, it is pretty easy for her to get a TRO. Hearings to evaluate the merits of the TRO will follow but that does you no good right now.
On Monday afternoon, you finally get bailed out. You ask your friend who has secured your release to take you back to your place to get a new set of clothes. Before you get there, you suddenly realize that you can’t get any of your possessions from your house or apartment because of the temporary restraining order. The TRO states that if you come within sixty feet of her, you will be in violation of the order and immediately go back to jail where you will be held until your trial date.
Since going home is not an option, you go to the bank to get some money for a set of new clothes and some food instead. Unfortunately, the teller tells you that you don’t have an account with this bank anymore; your significant other withdrew all the money and closed it. Now, you’re broke! Oh, and don’t forget that you still need to call your boss and tell him or her why you didn’t make it to the office on Monday.
Finally you talk one of your friends into lending you some couch space and a set of clothes. A day or two later, you’re back at work, but it’s still not over yet. While you have been setting your life back in order, she is preparing a yard sale for your stuff, assuming it hasn’t already been placed on the curb with a “Free” sign on it.
Want to do something and get your possessions back? Sadly, you can’t because it is only hearsay as to what is hers and what is yours. The police are not going to stop a yard sale and you’d better not break the restraining order by showing up, and even asking that your stuff not be sold or you go back to jail.
A week later, the landlord calls your cell phone because the rent is late. You explain the situation and he says, “It’s your name in the lease. You gotta pay up!”
Suddenly you recognize that your credit is at risk too. You open you eyes wide and grasp the fact that you have a joint credit card. Frantically you make that fateful call to the credit card company only to discover that your worst fear has been realized—your card is maxed out too! Hanging up the phone, you realize that
• You have been arrested for domestic violence.
• Your job was placed at risk.
• You have lost all your possessions in a yard sale.
• Your credit is ruined.
• You are in debt, deep.
• You owe an attorney.
• You have to take time off from work to go to court.
•…but wait, it is not over yet…
Last weekend she left the apartment, took your kid(s), and moved in with her mother in a state that has no reciprocity agreement. This means that the state she has left for does not recognize your state’s laws. You didn’t file for divorce or separation because you didn’t think about it and, frankly, you didn’t have the money even if you had wanted to. And you couldn’t take the time off of work to meet with an attorney and file papers, so now you have no standing in the eyes of the court.
What does this mean? It means you may never get to see your child(ren) again. Let’s hope she doesn’t accuse you of molesting the kid too. That’s a common enough tactic and will almost certainly bar you from ever seeing your child again.
Oh and don’t forget the truck she took was registered in your name and the payments are late.
Done? Nope, not yet… You get to pay child support for a child you will likely never see. Refuse to pay and suddenly you’re a “deadbeat dad.” If you become one, you are going to get reported; guess by whom? Now the state will garnish your wages to get the money you owe her.
Now jump ahead a couple of years. You could not afford an attorney so either you’ve had an incompetent public defender who let you get convicted, you actually were guilty, or you simply pled to a lesser charge to get things over with. Your life is somewhat back in order, you’ve got a little money, so now you go and try to rent a nice place to live. Unfortunately, you’ve still got bad credit.
But wait, it gets worse still. When you get to the checkbox on the application that asks, “Have you ever been convicted of a crime; if yes please explain,” what are you going to do? That is just what the landlord wants in his or her place, a dangerous domestic violence offender. Oh, and you will find that checkbox on your next job application too.
Never lie about the domestic violence conviction. Tell the truth by checking the little box and you get rejected for that great job that would have almost doubled your annual income. However, lie about the case to get the job and you will always have that Sword of Damocles hanging over your head. And rest assured it will be found out sooner or later. No matter how good you are at the job, you are out the door looking for a new job as soon as someone uncovers the truth.
What do you think about this little scenario? An exaggeration you think? Sure, we presented the worst-case scenario, but we know a couple of real live individuals that a number of these things have happened to. So, do this little drill: Go ahead and cut half of the events out of the story. Still looks pretty grim doesn’t it? Now cut the story in half once again. Not a whole lot of improvement, is there?
What can you do about it? First off, to state the obvious, choose wisely when entering into a long-term relationship with anyone. Whoever you let move in with you will have an unprecedented level of access to you and your stuff. While it might seem a bit paranoid to conduct a background check on your prospective partner, it can be a good (and relatively inexpensive) way to protect yourself. Since everyone puts on their best face forward while they are dating, you may not discover a history of mental illness, deviant behaviors, sexually transmittable diseases, financial difficulties, or legal problems until it’s too late. Consider hiring a private investigator or using a resource like www.netdetective.com, www.ussearch.com, www.crimcheck.com, or www.sentrylink.com before taking a major step such as moving in together. Regardless of whether you do a background check or not, pay attention to any mental alarm bells that go off while you are together (see “Listen to the Subtle Warnings You Get” in Section One for a refresher on the signs of an abusive relationship).
If you have a solid partnership, domestic violence, and accusations thereof should never become an issue. Relationships are a two-way street, however, so you’ll need to hold up your end of the bargain. Work on your active listening and communication skills to ensure that little problems don’t fester to become big ones. If you sense signs of trouble brewing and cannot resolve them on your own, consider professional counseling or, potentially, ending the relationship before things can get ugly. If you do get into an argument, watch your temper. No matter how mad you get, never be the aggressor, at least not physically. Do your best to respond rather than react so that you cannot be goaded into starting something that you will regret.
According to many experts, serious relationship problems are often rooted in two areas: sex and money. Infidelity and financial difficulties are two of the leading causes of divorce. Until you are married, it is relatively easy to deal with the sex thing by either staying committed or breaking things off if you’re tempted to stray. If you plan
