Jail Bird

‘Well, you could…you could stop here. Just for tonight.’

Jase turned away, exasperation in every line. ‘You are seriously mental, Oli King,’ he groaned.

Lily felt her eyes start to swim with tears. Oli didn’t believe she’d killed Leo. She didn’t believe it. Or she would never have extended the invitation to stay, she’d have been too afraid. For a minute Lily couldn’t speak at all, she was too afraid that she would break down and cry.

Oli was looking at her worriedly, casting anxious glances at Jase. She desperately wanted that young man’s approval, it was obvious. But she was digging her heels in, making a stand for her mother. Lily felt unbearably touched.

‘Well?’ Oli said. ‘Mum?’

Lily gulped hard. ‘Yeah,’ she nodded. ‘Thanks. Okay. I’ll stay.’

20

Becks had visited her in Holloway, under the ‘hand-in’ system for newly convicted prisoners; this visit was permitted within forty-eight hours of being incarcerated. Lily had been marched down with a group of others to the visits hall. There she – and they – were frisked and searched. The things in her pockets – including her two precious phone cards – were taken off her.

‘I’ll get them back though, won’t I?’ she asked the screw anxiously. She wanted to call the girls. She had to call them, hear their voices, tell them it was all a mistake, that it would all be put right somehow.

She would never forget the last time she’d seen them before she was banged up. The way they had stood there, looking at her, when she wanted to hug them, reassure them. Si and Maeve had been in the room, both of them standing behind the girls, holding their shoulders; Si and Maeve, guardians of the girls. Si looking at her like she was dirt on his shoe, Maeve’s expression smug. Si held Saz, Maeve held Oli – and it was a little time before Lily realized with a sinking heart that Si and Maeve were not holding the girls to stop them running to their mother; they were holding them to stop them fleeing the room altogether.

Now, after Becks’s visit, she got her cards back and went and found the phone and joined the queue. When she finally reached the front and dialled out to The Fort, Si answered. She asked if she could speak to the girls.

‘No, you can’t,’ he said. ‘Haven’t you done enough damage, you evil cow?’ And he put the phone down.

She dialled again, shaking, crying. She had to speak to them.

But this time, there was no answer at all.

21

When Oli tapped on the bedroom door next morning she found her mother sitting up on the side of the bed, clutching her head. She’d given Lily one of the seven bedrooms the house boasted, every one of them large and en suite: Oli occupied one at the front; and Saz – Oli had told Lily last night – had a suite to herself at the back on the ground floor overlooking the gardens, which was going to be knocked through and converted into a completely self- contained apartment for her and Richard one of these days.

Lily had crept out of bed during the night and tried the door of the master suite she had once shared with her husband, but found it was locked.

Fuck it, she thought, and went back to bed, only to lie there in the dark, unable to sleep, thinking only that she was back, she was right here where Leo had lost his life. She had achieved this much. She knew she had a hard road to travel now, and if she got to where she wanted to be then it was going to cost her; but she was determined. And – and this was the best of all – Oli didn’t seem to hate her too much. Not at the moment, anyway.

When she had finally slipped into exhausted slumber, the dreams plagued her again. She was inside, desperately trying to contact Oli and Saz. Only she couldn’t.

It was a relief to wake up.

‘Mum? What’s the matter?’ asked Oli, seeing her mother hunched over, clearly in pain.

‘Migraine,’ groaned Lily. ‘I get them something awful, they started just after –’ Lily paused for dramatic effect – ‘just after I got locked up.’

Lily kept her eyes on the carpet. She saw Oli’s feet in FitFlops moving past, going to the bedside table. Then over to the curtains, pulling them back.

‘Ow,’ said Lily as the light hit her.

‘Is it really bad?’ Oli’s voice was sweetly concerned.

I am a terrible person, thought Lily. I am beyond redemption.

‘Awful,’ moaned Lily. ‘Makes me feel sick. In fact…’ and she dashed off to the en suite, closing and locking the door behind her – she didn’t want any mishaps. She made elaborate throwing-up noises, flushed the loo, splashed water over her face and hands, and dried herself on a towel, not meeting her own eyes in the mirror.

Then she unlocked the door and went back into the bedroom and flopped down, gasping, onto the bed. There was a cup of strong tea on the bedside table. Her daughter was sweet, so thoughtful and so gullible. She hoped Oli wasn’t this wide-eyed and innocent when it came to dealing with Jase.

‘Can I get you anything? Paracetamol?’ offered Oli.

‘No,’ said Lily, wincing with imaginary pain.

‘Look…I have to go out,’ said Oli anxiously.

‘You go,’ said Lily, waving a limp hand towards her daughter. ‘I’ll just rest here.’

‘Do they last long? These migraines?’

‘About three days, usually. I get the bad ones, flashing lights, nausea, dizziness, the lot. I’m sorry about this, Oli. Really I am.’

‘Only I could give you a lift back to the flat,’ said Oli.

‘I can’t move just now. And the flat was only for last night, I’ll just have to go back there and get my stuff together and move on.’ God, I’m such a liar. ‘And I will, when I feel a bit…oh shit, sorry, Oli…’ And she was off to the bathroom again. Locking the door again. More spewing-up sound effects, flush loo, run water, splash face, dry on towel.

Lily staggered back into the bedroom and collapsed onto the bed. ‘I’m so sorry about this, Oli,’ she said weakly. ‘When you’ve been so good.’

‘Look, I tell you what, you just rest there,’ said Oli. ‘I’ll be back lunchtime, check you’re okay, all right?’

‘Thanks, Oli.’ Lily had her eyes closed but she sensed Oli still hovering nearby, uncertain whether to go or stay. ‘You go, I’ll just try and sleep.’

And Oli went. She heard her close the bedroom door softly behind her, and move off along the landing and down the stairs. The front door slammed. Seconds later, Oli’s little sports car gunned into life and tore off down the drive.

There was silence in the house.

Complete, utter silence.

Game on, thought Lily, and sat up and drank her tea.

She took a quick shower, dried her hair, put on yesterday’s clothes, and trotted off along the landing to the master suite. She tried the handle again, but it was still locked. She went downstairs. She knew this house like the back of her hand; she went straight to Leo’s study – which was still laid out as a study, but looked pretty much unused. Her eyes went around the walls of the smallish room. There was no gun cabinet there any more. Someone, obviously, had taken it as too strong a reminder of what had befallen Leo, and hadn’t wanted to go on looking at all the twelve-bores, air guns and beautiful, hugely expensive Purdeys, all lined up there,