Jail Bird

So it was a relief rather than a sadness when they moved her to Durham. All right, Becks couldn’t visit any more; but she hoped – maybe vainly – that Si and Freddy’s influence was weaker up north than down south. She did more years there in Durham, watching a new procession of cellmates go by – girls with boyfriends, women with husbands – who had all for one reason or another become embezzlers, crackheads, killers. Girls on suicide watch, others catatonic with fear at being banged up inside. Bullies. Bitches. Bull dykes. Brasses. All human life was there; Lily saw it all.

Time wore on, and sometimes Lily thought that this was reality, here, inside; that outside was the dream, something her mind had cooked up to torment her. Outside was the myth, the cruel illusion. Her home, her life, her girls – all fantasy. This was the only reality. Prison.

Finally she was moved to New Hall in Yorkshire, and then there was the staggering luxury of day-release for her last year at Askham Grange. The photo – that precious photo of her and the girls – was dog- eared and faded, but still safely tucked away in her bum bag. Every morning and every night she lay in her bunk and stared at it; it gave her comfort. And time wore on, and on, sunrise, sunset, just like the song…until one day, at last, she was released. She was free. Free to find out who had done this to her, and the girls.

53

Going back to bed after Saz’s escapade, Lily tossed and turned, but eventually fell into a troubled sleep peppered with the same old dreams of stir. She awoke with an aching head and a heavy heart. Cold rain was beating against the windowpane. The weather was an apt reflection of her mood.

She got up, showered, went down to the kitchen and made coffee, then took it into the study with her. The house was quiet and she was glad of that. She didn’t want to talk, only to try and make sense of all the things spinning around in her brain. She closed the study door behind her, and went over to the TV. She plugged it in, switched on, loaded the tape in the old VCR. Pressed ‘play’.

Leo was there.

‘Well babe, if you’re playing this then I’m dead,’ said his voice. On screen, he looked healthy, tanned, prosperous. The old Leo she had known so well.

No, Lily – you just thought you did.

‘You’ve found the stash and the gun. Keep ’em both safe, girl. Just a bit of life insurance for you. Look after the girls. If you need a hand, there’s always Si and Freddy.’ He hesitated, glanced down. ‘If you’re really in the shit, call on Nick. Okay? The boys’ll help you.’

Oh really? She wondered about that. Leo had crossed Nick twice – once with Lily, and then with Julia – as if everything Nick had, Leo wanted to snatch away. Had he wanted other things, too, apart from women? A bigger slice of business, maybe?

She wasn’t sure and it was all starting to drive her crazy. Her thoughts about Nick were muddled, her suspicions about him tangled up with that old powerful sexual attraction. She longed to call him, to be on good terms with him again. Their last conversation had rattled her. She’d forced herself to take a step back from him, cool it down, and he’d clearly got the message…but she hated not being in contact with him.

‘What the hell’s this?’ said Oli’s voice from behind her.

Lily sprang to her feet, clapped a hand to her chest.

‘Jesus! I thought you were still asleep,’ she gasped.

‘After Saz’s little floor show last night?’ Oli said, crossing the room and standing there, staring at her father on the screen.

Lily turned down the volume. Leo was mouthing something. Oli was still staring at the screen, awestruck. ‘That’s Dad,’ she murmured.

‘Yeah,’ said Lily. ‘It is. He left the tape for me to find. In case of emergency.’

Oli turned and Lily could see the bright gleam of tears in her dark eyes. ‘I loved him so much,’ she said softly.

‘I know, Ols.’ Lily thought about Oli’s news of her possible pregnancy. If it was true, if she really was, then this would be Leo’s grandchild, a grandchild he would never play with, never see, never throw laughing into the air. She felt sadness grip her, and anger. All right, he hadn’t been the best of husbands, but someone had snatched his life away, and that someone had yet to pay for it.

But Saz, she thought suddenly. What about Saz, muttering apologies to her dead father in her sleep? What about Saz, who even as a child had been used to handling guns…

And now another thought occurred. Saz had hated the smell of guns when they were fired, hated to get the oil and cordite on her hands, so Leo had bought her a small pair of gloves and she had worn them whenever she was shooting with him.

There were only my fingerprints on the gun.

No, it was rubbish. Lily told herself firmly. Saz and Oli had been out that night, Maeve had been babysitting them. But Saz had been used to handling guns. And last night Saz’s tormented brain had sent her into this study to get the key and then up to the master suite to apologize. For what?

Lily had a sudden flashback to that awful night. She felt again the shock, the horror. Leo lying dead with his head blown away. The blood. The gun. The horrid, cold slippery weight of it. For a moment she felt a wild leap of hope as she considered that. The weight of it. But she had seen Saz lift that gun when she was a child; she knew it wasn’t beyond her. Oh Jesus, so much blood…

‘You all right, Mum?’ asked Oli, looking at Lily’s face.

Lily shook herself. ‘Yeah. Fine.’ She sat down quickly.

‘Oh my God,’ said Saz’s voice from the doorway.

This is all I need, thought Lily with an inward wince.

Saz was crossing the room quickly. Now she stood beside Oli and stared at the screen.

‘For God’s sake, what is this?’ she demanded.

Not the tearful reaction of Oli. Saz was looking at the screen with something very like horror.

‘Leo left this for me to find,’ said Lily quietly.

‘Did Richard tell you that you were sleepwalking last night?’ Oli asked Saz.

Saz seemed to recoil slightly at that. ‘Yeah. He did.’

‘You were in the master suite.’

‘I know. He told me.’

‘You were like a bloody zombie. You seen those flicks? They walk like this.’ Oli did a stiff-legged zombie stagger.

‘Oh shut the fuck up, Oli,’ snapped Saz, still staring, as if mesmerized, at the screen.

‘Yeah, come on, Oli. Saz can’t help it. Cut her some slack,’ said Lily, watching Saz’s face.

Saz whirled, arms folded, and looked at her.

‘And I don’t need you to defend me,’ she said. She turned back to the screen. Stared. Said nothing. Showed not a flicker of emotion.

Lily watched her.

Then, abruptly, Saz turned away from the screen and came over to where Lily was sitting.

‘We’ve been talking, Richard and me, and we’ve come to a decision,’ she said.

‘Oh?’ Now what?

‘Yeah. We’re leaving. Today.’

Lily sat there, gobsmacked.

Then she rallied. ‘Don’t go, Saz. Stay. Let’s work this out.’

Saz shook her head. Lily thought she saw something, some faint shadow like fear in her daughter’s eyes, but maybe she had imagined it. After all, she didn’t know her daughter at all. Not any more.

‘No, I’m not staying here. I don’t want to be here any more. Not with you here.’

Lily felt the hurt of that, stabbing into her guts like a knife.