Woman in the Fifth

‘Before I left for Hungary, I saw my lawyer and told him to set up a trust with the money I received as compensation from Dupre. I left my estate to no one. And I made certain in my will that no one could sell the apartment from under me. You see, I knew what I was going to do in Budapest … and I also knew that I would have to disappear for a very long time afterward …’

‘So you weren’t planning to kill yourself ?’

‘Not until the police burst in. It was a completely impulsive decision. But, like I said, I was crazy then.’

‘And you’re not crazy now? Beating men to death with baseball bats—’

‘He kicked the crap out of his wife, and he also threatened to kill you.’

‘That was never established.’

‘I heard it.’

‘When?’

‘In his bar. When he didn’t think I was there.’

‘And Robson?’

‘I asked you what you thought was the worst thing that could befall him. You said—’

‘I didn’t think you’d actually download kiddy porn on to his computer.’

‘It’s what you wanted, Harry. That man systematically destroyed your life. His punishment struck me as … apt. His life is now completely shattered. And before the week is out, he’ll take his own life in jail.’

‘Are you going to force him to do that?’

Another laugh.

‘I am not a spirit who invades the souls of others and forces them to do things.’

‘No — you’re just a succubus.’

‘A succubus has sex with men while they are asleep. You’re very much awake, Harry.’

‘So all this then is … what? When I came here yesterday, the apartment was covered in dust, the concierge acted as if I was a lunatic, telling me the place hadn’t been inhabited — let alone cleaned — for years.’

‘You’re not a lunatic. But when you come to visit me every three days, you enter this.’

‘But what is this? And what about everybody else in the building? Do they go into the same sort of trance which the concierge seemed to be in?’

‘Think whatever you like.’

‘I still don’t get it. Why just the three hours? Why just every few days?’

‘Because that’s all I can do … all I can take. I want this … our little liaison. But only on my terms. That’s why I refused to see you more than our few hours twice a week.’

‘Because that’s all you were allowed?’

‘No one controls me. No one.’

‘But you still loiter with intent every Sunday on the balcony of some dilettante American’s salon, picking up idiots like myself ?’

‘You were only the second man I ever picked up there.’

‘Who was the first?’

‘A German named Horst. I met him there in June of ‘91. I had just … re-emerged, so to speak. And I was revisiting places I had been in the past. So, when I found myself back in Paris — eleven years after my death — I decided to try my luck and see what might come of a sojourn on Lorraine’s balcony. I must have lurked there for weeks … until Horst saw me. Like you, he was a man in his forties, recently divorced, on his own in Paris, sad, lonely. We chatted. He came to this apartment at the agreed five p.m. time. We had sex. We drank Scotch. We smoked a few cigarettes. He talked about how his wife had fallen in love with another man, his stalled career as a painter, the lycee where he taught art and how it all bored him, and so forth and so on. All our stories are simultaneously unique and desperately similar, aren’t they? At eight o’clock, I told him he had to leave — but that he’d be welcomed back three days later. He said he’d show up. He never did. After that, I occasionally “returned” to Lorraine’s balcony, hoping someone might see me. No one did for years. Until you showed up, Harry. You saw me … because you wanted to see me.’

‘That doesn’t make sense.’

‘You must stop talking about “sense” or the apparent illogicality of our time together. There is no logic to this — except that we are here together because, as I said before, you wanted to see me.’

‘That’s bullshit.’

‘Then why did you keep coming here, dutifully, week after week? Simply for the sex?’

‘That was a big part of it.’

‘You’re right. It was. But there was more to it than that. You needed to see me … in every sense of the word. And I needed to put things right for you.’

‘I cannot accept—’

‘Accept, accept. Faith may be the antithesis of proof … but you have proof. You. Me. Here. Now.’

‘You don’t exist.’

‘I do exist … as much as you exist. In this room. This moment. This time. This bit of nothingness that is still everything because it’s the instant we share now. You can’t escape that, Harry. Nor should you. It’s the closest you’ve ever come to love in your life.’

‘You have no idea about—’

‘Love? How dare you? I went out of my mind for love. I killed — butchered — for love. I have far too many ideas about love … and I also know it’s like everything else in life: it can drive you to the worst extremes, the absolute edge. Yet, in the great scheme of things, it all comes down to a moment here, a moment there … and a flicker of connection with someone else. That’s happiness, Harry. Nothing more.’

‘And what about love for your child?’

Silence. Then she said, ‘That’s everything. And you feel you have to kill the person who takes everything away from you.’

‘Did the revenge help balm the wounds?’

‘You mean, do I still relive the sadness and horror of what happened … and of what I did? Of course. I still can’t get away from it. It will be with me forever. But I have sought redemption … through you.’

‘That’s insane.’

‘Putting things right for another person isn’t insane.’

‘It is when you resort to violent means to do it.’

‘But look how everything is gradually working out for you. Robson is in jail. So too is Sezer and his nasty henchman … and you know they were both gunning for you. Omar tried to blackmail you. He’s been eliminated. Yanna’s husband didn’t deserve a further day of life on this earth. So I cannot really see how you can complain. Because, in time, things will come even more right for you.’

I stood up.

‘Do you really think I’m going to buy into this madness?’

‘You have already done so, Harry. You’ve been complicit in this from the start.’

‘You mean, because I visualized you — the invisible woman — whereas others never did?’

‘But why did you see me? Because you needed to. Just as you needed me to settle all the scores you so wanted resolved.’

‘So you follow me everywhere, is that it?’

‘Perhaps.’

‘But why me?’

‘What an absurd question. We are involved.’

‘You call this an involvement? For you it was an afternoon fuck twice a week, nothing more.’