—This is really too much. We’ll have to do something.
—Like what?
—I don’t know… Change his personality?
—No, that’s unethical…
—Just listen to him howl!
—Wait, I have an idea…
They whispered something while I kept jumping around, raising an unholy racket, concentrating my efforts especially in the area where I heard them talking. Then, just as I was doing a headstand on someone’s abdomen, everything went black, and the next thing I knew, I was back on my ship and out in space. My limbs ached from all that exercise, but I could hardly move them anyway, for I was sitting in a pile of trombones, jars of green marmalade, teddy bears, platinum glockenspiels, ducats and doubloons, golden earmuffs, bracelets and brooches glittering so bright they hurt my eyes. When finally I crawled out from under all these valuables and dragged myself to a window, I saw that the constellations were entirely different—not a trace of anything remotely resembling a square sun! A few quick calculations revealed that I would have to travel six thousand years at top velocity to get back to the H. P. L. D.’s. They had disposed of me, indeed. And going back would achieve nothing, that was clear: they would merely send me packing again with that instantaneous hyperspatial telekinesis of theirs, or whatever it was. And so, my good Bonhomius, I decided to tackle the problem in an altogether different way.…” And with these words, most kind and noble sir, did the distinguished constructor Klapaucius finish his tale…
“Surely that’s not all he said?!” cried Trurl.
“Nay, he said a great deal more, O benefactor of mine! And therein lies my misfortune!” replied the robot with considerable perturbation. “When I asked him what he had then decided to do, he leaned over and said…
“The problem did seem insoluble at first, but I’ve found a way. You say you lived as a hermetic hermit and are but a simple, unschooled robot, so I’ll not trouble you with explanations that touch the arcane art of cybernetic generation. To put it simply, then, all we have to do is construct a digital device, a computer capable of producing an informational model of absolutely anything in existence. Properly programmed, it will provide us with an exact simulation of the Highest Possible Level of Development, which we can then question and thereby obtain the Ultimate Answers!”
“But how does one build such a device?” I asked. “And how can you be sure, O illustrious Klapaucius, that it won’t respond by sending us packing in much the same instamatic hyperstitial and so forth manner the original H. P. L. D.’s employed, as you say, on your worthy person?”
“Leave that to me,” he said. “Rest assured, I shall learn the Great Mystery of the H. P. L. D.’s, good Bonhomius, and you shall find the optimal way in which to put your natural abhorrence of evil into action!”
You can imagine, kind sir, the great joy that filled me upon hearing these words, and the eagerness with which I assisted Klapaucius in the execution of his plan. As it turned out, this digital device was none other than the famed Gnostotron conceived by Chlorian Theoreticus the Proph just before his lamentable demise, a machine able literally to contain the Universe Itself within its innumerable memory banks. (Klapaucius, however, was not satisfied with the name, and now and then tried to think up others to christen it: the Omniac, the Pansophoscope, APOC for All Purpose Ontologue Computer, or the Mahatmatic 500, to mention a few.) In exactly one year and six days, this mighty machine was completed, and so enormous was it, we had to house it in Phlaphundria, the hollowed-out moon of the Phlists-—and truly, an ant had been no more lost aboard an ocean liner than we in the bowels of this binary behemoth, among its endless coils and cables, eschatological toggles and transformers, those hagiopneumatic rectifiers and tempta-tional resistors. I confess my wire hair stood on end and my laminated alternator skipped a beat when my distinguished mentor sat me down before the Central Control Console and left me face-to-face with this awesome, towering thing. The flashing lights that played across its panels were like the very stars in the firmament; everywhere were signs that read danger: highly ineffable!; and potentiometers, their dials spinning wildly, showed logic and semantic fields building up to unheard-of levels of intensity. Beneath my feet heaved a sea of preternatural and pretermechanical wisdom, wisdom that swirled like a spell through parsecs of circuitry and megahectares of magnets, swirled and surrounded me on every side, that I felt, in my shameful ignorance, of no more consequence than a mere mote of dust. I overcame this weakness only by recalling my lifelong love of Good, the passion I had conceived for Truth and Beauty when little more than a gleam in my constructor’s oscilloscope. Thus fortified, I managed to stammer out the first question: “Speak, what manner of machine art thou?”
A hot wind then arose from its glowing tubes, and there came a voice from that wind, a whispering thunder that seared me to the core, and the voice said:
Such was my fright upon hearing this reply, that I was quite unable to continue the interrogation until Klapaucius returned and reduced the EMF (epistemotive force) to one billionth of its voltage by adjusting the theostats. Then I asked the Gnostotron if it would be so kind as to answer questions touching the Highest Possible Level of Development and its Terrible Secret. But Klapaucius said that that was not the way: one should instead request the Ontologue Computer to model within its silver and crystal depths a single inhabitant of that square planet, and at the same time provide the model with an adequate degree of loquacity. This promptly done, we were ready to begin in earnest.
Still I quaked and quailed and could hardly speak, so Klapaucius took my place before the Central Control Console and said:
“What are you?”
“I already answered that,” snapped the machine, clearly annoyed.
“I mean, are you man or robot?” explained Klapaucius.
“And what, according to you, is the difference?” said the machine.
“Look, if you’re going to answer questions with questions, we’ll get absolutely nowhere,” said Klapaucius sternly. “You know what I’m after, all right. Start talking!”
Though I was appalled at the tone he took with the machine, it did seem to work, for the machine said:
“Sometimes men build robots, sometimes robots build men. What does it matter, really, whether one thinks with metal or with protoplasm? As for myself, I can assume whatever substance and shape I choose—or rather, used to assume, for we no longer indulge in such trifles.”
“Indeed,” said Klapaucius. “Then why do you lie around all day and do nothing?”
“And what exactly are we supposed to do?” the machine replied. At this, Klapaucius grew angry and said:
“How should I know? We in the lower levels of development do all sorts of things.”
“We did too, in our day.”
“But not now?”
“Not now.”
“Why not?”
Here the computerized H. P. L. D. representative balked, saying he had already endured six million such interrogations and neither he nor his questioners ever profited from them in the least. But after Klapaucius had raised the loquacity a little and opened a valve here and there, the voice answered:
“A trillion years ago we were a civilization like any other. We believed in the transmittance of souls, the Virgin Matrix, the infallibility of Pi Squared, looked upon prayer as regenerative feedback to the Great Programmer, and so on and so forth. But then skeptics appeared, empiricists and accidentalists, and in nine centuries they came to the conclusion that There’s No One Up There At All and consequently things happen not out of any higher plan or purpose, but—well, they just happen.”
“Just happen?” I could not help but exclaim. “What do you mean?”
“There are, on occasion, deformed robots,” said the voice. “If you should be afflicted with a hump, for example, but firmly believe the Almighty somehow needs your hump to realize His Cosmic Design and that it was therefore ordained along with the rest of Creation, why, then you may be easily reconciled to your deformity. If, however, they tell you that it’s merely the result of a misplaced molecule, an atom or two that happened to go the
