'Drink some water,' Dodson urged. 'When you're ready to talk about it, tell me what happened.'
'This is really stupid.'
'Try me,' Dodson said, encouraging her with an understanding smile.
'I was home alone watching television, some cop show. I just turned it on without knowing the plot, and it was about a serial killer.'
Amanda licked her lips nervously and took another drink of water.
'He grabbed a woman in a parking lot and locked her in the back of his van. She was screaming and pounding on the door. They were driving through the center of a big city and no one knew she was in that van. I broke out in a sweat, I panicked. It was as if I was back in the tunnel fighting for my life.'
'What did you do?'
'I think I blacked out for a minute, because suddenly I was on the floor and I wasn't sure how I got there. I ran into the bathroom. I splashed water on my face. I took deep breaths. I was on edge all evening. I didn't sleep for hours.'
'Have you had these feelings on other occasions?'
'Yes.' She told Dodson about her recent panic attack in the office when she had seen the autopsy photographs by accident. 'I've had nightmares, too.'
'When you have a flashback, what is it like?'
'It's like I'm really there. Sometimes I can even smell the damp and feel the dirt. I . . . I feel like I'm going . . . like I'm losing it.'
'Let's go back to the incident at the pool. Tell me about that again.'
Amanda told Dodson about Toby Brooks's attempt to recruit her for the Master's swim team.
'My reaction was so stupid. Asking me to join the team was so normal. It was nice. Toby seemed kind. He was kind. But I was terrified.'
'How did you feel when you were talking to Toby?'
'Feel? I didn't know him well enough to feel anything.'
'But you just told me that you panicked when he spoke to you, that you were too spent emotionally to swim anymore.'
'Yes.'
'Why do you think you felt that way?'
'I don't know.'
'Did you trust him?'
'I . . .' Amanda stopped. 'I don't know.' Her eyes dropped to her lap. 'I guess not,' she whispered.
'Are you finding it difficult to trust other people?'
'I don't know.'
'Think about it. You have friends, don't you?'
She nodded.
'Have you seen a lot of them since the incident?'
'I guess I haven't. I don't feel comfortable around them anymore.'
Amanda suddenly remembered the way she'd treated Mike Greene. She felt very bad.
'There's a man I've been dating a little. He's very nice. I was supposed to go out with him the evening I saw the autopsy photographs and panicked. I was so rattled that I forgot all about the date. Then, when he showed up, I . . . I sent him away. I didn't explain why. I'm sure I hurt his feelings, and he's only been nice to me.'
Amanda hung her head. She dabbed at her eyes with a tissue.
'You've been through a lot today and I think this is a good time to stop. But I'm going to talk a little before you go, and I want you to listen carefully and think about what I tell you--especially if you have another one of these incidents.
'First, you're not crazy. In fact, your reactions are so common that there's a name for them. What you are experiencing is called post-traumatic stress disorder. They used to call it shell shock in the First World War because soldiers who had been in combat manifested the problem most dramatically. We saw a lot of it in soldiers coming back from Vietnam. But it's not just war. Individuals who live through a psychologically distressing event that is outside the range of usual human experience can have the same symptoms. They can be triggered by a plane crash, torture, an earthquake, or a kidnapping--anything that involves intense fear, terror, and helplessness. The problem seems to be more severe and last longer when the stressor is of human design, like the one you encountered.
'One of the most common symptoms of PTSD is the reexperiencing of the traumatic event through nightmares and flashbacks. The anniversary of the event can trigger feelings of panic or anxiety, and the same feelings can be triggered by something that reminds you of the event, like a movie with a serial killer or just meeting someone who reminds you of the person who caused your terror.'
'Like Toby.'
Dodson nodded. 'I don't want to get into this too much right now, but I do want you to understand that your responses are reasonable.'
'Why didn't I have them right after I was attacked? Why did it take a while before I started having these
