should leave its winter quarters at Bologna, and march towards Rome.
'Can such an order be given without awakening Caesar's suspicions? Can such a move take place without confirming them? Besides, afterwards, the consuls, Antony and Dolabella, will be legally in command of the armies.'
'Legality will have to be set aside. Perhaps Antony should be set aside also. Dolabella is of no account. He'll run around like a headless chicken.'
'Well,' Cassius said, 'your proposal is risky. It will need to be pondered on, and more widely discussed. I have convened a meeting this day week. By then, I am certain Marcus will be ready to commit himself.'
Longina protested when I told her she must leave Rome. Her lips formed in a delicious pout. Her eyes brimmed with tears. She met my guarded explanation of necessity with a tilt of the head and further questions. Then defiance. She would not be persuaded, would not obey. If I loved her, I would not ask this of her. Her lovely breasts heaved. I took her in my arms and tried to kiss her mood away. But she disengaged herself, and said:
'I've warned you against my father. I haven't asked what you are plotting together, because I haven't needed to. Are you afraid that I will betray you?'
'No,' I said.
'Then I still don't understand.'
'I am afraid,' I said, 'yes… Since you know what we are best not to talk about, let me confess my fear. I'm afraid, horribly afraid, that everything will go wrong. I'm afraid of failure, but, where you are concerned, for our failure would not place you in danger, I am still more afraid of success. My friends are blind to the devotion That Man inspires in the people. They therefore take no thought of the possible consequences of our success. Violence, rioting, revenge — that's what I fear. And I want you safe from that. I need you safe from that, if I am to play my part as a man of virtue.'
'Very well,' she said, 'but do you need to play this part? I've been thinking about that.'
She took a green apple from a dish and bit into it. The juice ran like a tiny rivulet from the corner of her mouth.
'Lord, I have such a lust for apples. Old wives say that means our child will be a daughter.'
'It will be a boy, and in any case, only the first.'
'If you were to stand aside, then when it was over, you would be in a strong position, wouldn't you? Especially if my father and the rest are as ill-prepared as you suggest.'
The idea had occurred to me. Of course it had. Temptation never fails to offer itself: Caesar dead, and myself innocent of his blood, and in a position to mediate between the two parties. Visions of authority beckoned as insistently as an eager whore.
'I am in too deep for that,' I said.
It was true. If I stepped back now, I would earn only contempt from those who held to their word. In extremities there is no place for the man who seeks the palm without the dust. It was months too late for the course Longina suggested.
'You could be sick.'
'They would only believe my resolution had failed. Do you suppose a man of your father's penetration would be deceived by a pretence of sickness?'
'Don't you understand,' she cried, 'I am afraid for you, you fool, because I love you. I am afraid for myself and for my son.'
She broke down in tears. I knelt to comfort her. Her arm stole round my neck. I scarcely felt the knife enter my back just below the left shoulder.
As it happened I had turned myself in order to kiss her mouth which was itself averted from me, so that the dagger did not penetrate, and I received only a glancing wound. But the knife came away red, and I felt the warm rush of blood, and Longina held the knife aloft and gazed on it as the drops fell to the marble. We drew apart. She held the dagger, point downwards, between us.
'What have I done?'
'What have you tried to do?' I think I smiled; I hope I did. 'I have never been stabbed for love before. You goose.'
I took the dagger from her trembling hand. She made no resistance. I ran my finger along the blade, and touched her lips with my blood.
'You goose,' I said again.
'I might have killed you.'
'With this toy? Unlikely. Anyway, it's no more than a scratch, I think. Deep wounds bleed slower.'
'Come, let me bathe it and clean it. What was I doing?' 'There's no need for tears.'
Her shame and horror — also unnecessary, in my opinion, for her motive only made me love her more — served my purpose. She abandoned her opposition to my plans for her safety. She was humble and submissive. When I saw her like that, I reproached myself, and came closer than at any other moment to yielding to what she wanted. Our plan seemed feeble, irrelevant to the things that really matter in life. What did I care tor public virtue or the seedy old, worm-eaten Republic in comparison with the revelation just vouchsafed me?
'After all,' I said to myself, 'there is nothing, not even the thrill of battle, to compare with the satisfaction to be had from a woman who truly loves you.'
But love dies when respect dies, and that depends on the loved one's self-respect. Otherwise it becomes that debilitating emotion: pity.
A paradox: Longina's love made her fear the course on which I had embarked. I feared her love would die, with my self-respect, if I abandoned it.
I accompanied her two mornings later out of the city by the Appian Way. The sun shone, the light sparkled and the dark pines were touched with gold. Then at the fourth milestone we stopped, embraced, tongue searching tongue, as if by that we expressed not only desire, but unity of word, deed, spirit.
I laid my hand on her belly.
'I felt her move last night,' Longina said.
'Him.'
'You will have it your way, but you may be disappointed.' 'Nothing you do, nothing you produce, can disappoint me.' 'I'm not so sure about that.'
'Remember,' I said, 'what I do is for our children, that they may grow up free, and not slaves. It's not for myself. How could it be, when I blossom in Caesar's sunlight? But the course he is embarked on promises only darkness for Rome and her children, for our children and theirs. I wish you could believe that.'
'I believe you believe it. That's enough, even though it remains rhetoric for me. So Mouse-husband, the gods go with you.'
'And with you.'
She laughed as she had not laughed for a long time, a deep full-throated laugh that was one of her glories.
'As if we either of us believed in these gods, to whom we commend each other.'
'Oh Longina…'
I had mounted my horse. I leaned across the side of the carriage to kiss her a last time. I lingered on her lips, drawing honey and comfort from them. Then the horse shied and we were separated.
I linger on that moment of memory now.
I watched the carriage move away from me, slowly. Once she turned and waved to me, and then looked away and bowed her head, and I knew that tears blinded her eyes. I brushed my sleeve across my own. The carriage passed between tombs that flanked the road. It grew smaller till it was only a speck on the horizon, and then it was no more, and I turned my horse's head, and rode back to the city and Destiny.
So, laughing at the gods, weeping on account of necessity, Longina departed from me. I have never seen her since, except in dreams, waking or sleeping. As I write this, she returns to me; and yet I am mocked by the distance between us.
Chapter 20
