The rest of the article was a rehash of Scarlett’s background and career, lavish with pics of Scarlett with Joshu, Scarlett with Jimmy, Scarlett (or possibly Leanne) falling out of a limo, Scarlett with shaved head and swimsuit promoting her charity swimathon for Timonescu. My eyes scanned the article, but nothing was really sinking in. I was appalled, numbed, shattered by the news.
I closed the paper and walked the short distance home. It was as if I had forgotten how to walk. Every step of the way needed concentration, like when I’d had to learn how to walk properly again after the accident.
I don’t remember how I got there, but I seemed to come to on the doorstep, fumbling the key into the lock. I wasn’t sure what to do when I got inside. My first instinct was to call Scarlett, but I didn’t know if that was a good idea in my present state. I felt dazed and stupefied, unable to make the right connections in my head. Instead, I called George. He always knew what to do.
I had to hold for a couple of minutes. I barely noticed. And then his rich chocolate voice was on the line. I’d never noticed before how very comforting his voice is. But then, I’d never needed comfort from him before. ‘Stephanie, my dear. You’ve heard the terrible news, I take it?’
‘Is it true?’
‘Lamentably true, I’m afraid. I’m so sorry, Stephanie. I know how fond you are of her. And she of you. We’ve no idea how the media got hold of it. Someone at the clinic must have leaked.’
‘Some greedy selfish pig,’ I said. ‘What happened?’
‘She was having back pain—’
‘I remember, at her birthday party last month. She was complaining about it.’
‘That’s right. Her osteopath couldn’t resolve it and she was concerned enough to suggest Scarlett consult a doctor. The only doctor she knows enough to trust is Simon Graham, so she went to see him. And because cancer is always Simon’s first thought, he gave her an MRI. And the shocking truth was there to see.’
‘Christ,’ I said. ‘And when was this?’
‘A couple of days ago. Simon’s very thorough and he insisted that she not panic until he’d carried out further tests. The results came through yesterday afternoon and he tried to call her. She wasn’t answering her phone because she was on set. So he left a voicemail confirming that what they had feared was indeed the case.’
‘That sounds suspiciously like the quote in the paper.’
‘That’s what Scarlett said too. She’s convinced someone hacked her voicemail. But I think it’s more likely that a nurse or technician overheard Simon leave the message and got on the blower to some hack at the
His anger was shielding his sorrow. It’s the only way men like George know how to express their pain. I was pretty sure George was as distraught as I was. How much worse must it have been for Scarlett? She’d fought through so much, but this was one battle she couldn’t win. ‘How is she? Or is that a stupid question?’
‘Still stunned, I think. Is there any possibility you might get over there? I really think she ought to have someone with her who cares about her. I’m stuck here holding the fort. But if you could . . . ’
‘That was my first thought. But I wanted to check with you. I wondered if maybe she wanted to be left alone with Jimmy.’
George made a strange, choking sound, like a man struggling with his composure in the face of tears. ‘Stephanie, if I was attempting to deal with what Scarlett has on her plate at present, I would want my best friend by my side. You know she won’t ask. But she would be much better off with you there. Please, if you can, go to her.’
I didn’t need telling twice. I wasn’t sure whether I was fit to drive; I kept breaking down in tears and having to pull over on to the hard shoulder. Even so, driving would be a lot quicker than trains and cabs. And it would provoke less curiosity. Nothing attracts attention like sobbing on public transport. I really didn’t feel up to dealing with the kindness of strangers. As it was, I had to convince one traffic cop that I wasn’t having some sort of nervous breakdown.
Of course, when I got to the hacienda, it was even more of a media brawl than when Joshu died. Scarlett had a much higher national profile than her ex-husband and they all wanted a piece of her tragedy. There was something profoundly disgusting about their display. The hunger, the lack of compassion, the blatant parasitism of their desire to feed off Scarlett’s suffering: it all made me feel tainted by my own tangential connection to their world. The only real difference between us was that I operated by consent. I drew a line that respected what my subjects wanted to keep private. But we were all in the business of satisfying an appetite that was rooted in prurience. As I inched my car forward through the press of press, I wondered whether I needed to reconsider how I earn my living.
For a moment it seemed they were actually going to try to follow me into the courtyard, but good sense prevailed and they didn’t spill in behind me. When I got out of the car I could still hear them baying their questions in my wake. Horrible.
The kitchen was empty and the house had the feel of a place where nobody’s home. At this time of day, Jimmy would be at nursery, but Marina should be around somewhere, doing housekeeper things. ‘Hello?’ I called. My voice echoed back at me. No signs of life in the living room or in the guest rooms. I carried on to what I always thought of as the leisure club, wondering if I’d find Scarlett in the pool, relentlessly swimming lengths in spite of her pain. But she wasn’t there either.
The gym was empty too. But when I peeped through the window in the sauna door, there she was, hunched naked on the top bench, her head in her hands. I stepped back before she could sense my presence and went through to the changing room. I undressed quickly. My hand was halfway to a swimsuit when I thought,
Scarlett barely looked up when I walked in. When she took in my nakedness, she gave a tired little smile and said, ‘Fucking hell, it must be bad if this is how you show you’re on my side.’ Her eyes were puffy and swollen, and she looked as if she’d lost weight.
I climbed up beside her and put my arm around her. Thank God it wasn’t too hot in there for once. It felt strange to be naked with another woman, but only because I’m a bit shy about my body, especially when I compare it to an impressive specimen like Scarlett. ‘I’m so sorry,’ I said, aware of how inadequate the words were. ‘I’d take the bullet for you if I could.’
‘I’d let you, an’ all.’ She groaned. ‘It’s Jimmy I feel for. First he loses his dad and now he’s going to lose his mum.’
‘It’s not a done deal, surely? There must be some treatment they can try?’
‘Simon came round first thing,’ she said. ‘He’d have been here last night instead of relying on a voicemail, only one of his patients was dying and he needed to be there.’ She sighed. ‘It’s inoperable. I’m riddled with it, Steph. It’s in my liver, my pancreas, my colon, my spine, my lungs. I’m a fucking walking cancer. They can give me chemo, but that’s not going to give me more than a few months, and it’ll be a few months of feeling like shit. You remember how it was before.’
‘What’s the alternative?’
‘No chemo. Just pain relief. That way, at least I get a bit of time with Jimmy where I’m not throwing up or feeling too tired to be arsed with him. And I don’t have to be in hospital either. I can stay here in my own home till the end. Simon’s promised me that. I’ll have to go into the clinic for check-ups a couple of times, but that’s all.’ She made it sound as insignificant as a trip to the supermarket. Her stoicism amazed me.
‘If that’s what you want,’ I said.
She tilted her head back, squeezing her eyes shut. ‘None of it’s what I want,’ she shouted. ‘I want a life. I want to see my boy grow up. I don’t want to die.’ Her voice cracked and so did her fortitude. Tears trickled out from her clenched eyelids and her lips curled back in a rictus of anguish. I put my hand on her head and pulled her into my arms. I could feel myself choking up, and before long I was crying silently with her.
We stayed in the sauna for a while, sobbing and sweating and generally being maudlin and miserable. With good reason, it must be said. ‘Where’s Marina?’ I eventually asked.
‘I told her to take Jimmy off somewhere for a few days. Euro Disney or something. Just till the fuss dies down a bit. I need to get myself together. I don’t want him to see me in bits. Or to have those fuckers outside snapping him every time he goes out the gate.’ She shook her head. ‘How the fuck did they find out so fast? They must have hacked my voicemail, it’s the only thing that makes sense.’
