my anger abate to a degree or at least be redirected toward the situation that would make my girl have to wear that attire and carry such gear. I do notice her confident stride. It’s like I am seeing her in a different light. My sweet, bubbly, joyous, care-free girl has changed and I’m not too happy with the world for making that so. The interior of the aircraft is deathly silent.
We enter the cockpit and she sits on the lower bunk removing her goggles. I plop down beside her. “What the hell were you thinking, Bri?” I ask shaking my head.
“I don’t know, Dad. I just got really scared and felt the need to do something,” Bri answers.
“Seriously! And that’s what you came up with? Opening the hatch and going outside with the night runners. You endangered everyone here opening the hatch like that,” I say with my voice rising.
“I made sure the hatch was closed so they couldn’t have gotten in,” she replies. Okay, I’ll give her that one. It’s still not okay but she’s right. That doesn’t alleviate my anger and fear any or make what she did right.
“But you could have disabled the aircraft shooting at the night runners around it, either directly or by a ricochet,” I state.
“Dad, I was careful with my shots so that didn’t happen,” she says. I take another long, hard look at my daughter sitting in front of me. Could she really have analyzed it in that fashion being outside in the domain of the night runners? The girl sitting in front of me seems like a completely different person than my daughter and yet also the same.
“Okay, but you went outside with the night runners and you went alone. They could have climbed up and gotten to you, Bri,” I say feeling the beginnings of a tear thinking about if that had happened.
“I’ve observed them at night and they haven’t been able to climb on top. They would have if they could on night’s past and we would have heard them banging on top,” she responds.
“Quit being so damned logical!” I say raising my voice. “You scared me to death, Bri,” I add in a lower tone. “You didn’t let anyone know where you were or where you were going.”
“I know you’re angry with me, Dad, and I’m sorry,” Bri says dropping her eyes to stare at her lap.
“Damn right I’m angry. I’m pissed as hell but that’s because I was scared to death,” I say.
Bri raises her eyes back to mine. “That’s how I feel, Dad. I’m scared and I’m angry. I don’t want you to go. Why do you have to do this?” She asks.
Here it is. This is what it comes down to. I come to the realization that there are two balances in progress. One is in relation to them and me trying to come to grips with keeping them safe versus giving them experience. But there’s another. And that is taking risks myself versus staying around for them. I’ve always had that in the back of my mind but I guess the Superman aspect I’ve felt from time to time never really let me think about that for too long or deeply. I guess I always knew I would make it through and I’d always be around so that wasn’t really ever a player. They want to gather the experience and I want them to be held in safety. They don’t want me to take risks and to be around and I feel the need to take some risks for the safety of others. I’m not sure that balance will ever come up with the perfect answer but I can understand hers and Robert’s perspective a little more.
“My sweet Bri, I owe these people. They risk their lives to help keep you safe. They helped without question and risked everything to get you back and now their families are in trouble and need help,” I say trying to help her understand why I take the risks I do.
“But you won’t let us take those risks to help the others who have helped us,” she says.
“I know. When you have kids, you’ll better understand why,” I reply and give her the same talk I gave Robert about it being tough being a dad and weighing the risks of giving them experience against the need to see them safe.
“Oh, and about the having kids thing, that better not be soon,” I add after trying to explain how difficult it is being a dad in this new world. Bri smiles.
“I’m sorry I disappointed you, Dad,” she says.
“Bri, you could never disappoint me,” I say wrapping my arms around her and drawing her close. She folds her arms around me and I feel warm tears run down my cheeks onto her shoulder.
“I love you, Dad,” she says against my shoulder.
“I love you too, Bri,” I return.
I look up to see Gonzalez standing at the bottom of the steps. I’m not sure how long she’s been there. She looks at me and nods at Bri asking if she can talk to her. This is my time with my daughter and I give Gonzalez a look letting her know she is treading on dangerous ground. Gonzalez reads my look, nods her understanding but holds her ground.
“Sir, this is just one soldier to another,” Gonzalez says nodding at Bri who still has my arms wrapped around her.
I nod in understanding, release Bri and rise giving her a kiss on the forehead. I head back into the cargo compartment.
Bri feels her dad release his hold and the kiss on her head. She knows what she did was wrong; not from a purely logical standpoint but more from acting without letting the group know first. What if her dad didn’t know she was on the roof? He would have charged out of the aircraft and into the midst of the night runners looking for her. She knows he would have taken on every night runner to find her. She did in fact put others at risk with her actions, she thinks as Gonzalez sits beside her.
“Want to talk about it?” Gonzalez asks.
“Not really,” Bri answers looking at her lap once again.
“Let me rephrase that. Want to talk about it?” Gonzalez asks again but with very little question attached to it.
Bri looks up and smiles. She really does like Gonzalez and is afraid of disappointing her almost more than her dad. She admires Gonzalez and likes how she makes her feel comfortable with just a few words. Gonzalez can climb around, over, and through her walls with ease. She feels a similar connection with Gonzalez as she did with Nic; not the same but close.
“I don’t know what got into me,” Bri says. “I was just so scared for my dad. I still am.”
“Bri, one thing you’re going to have to trust is that your dad knows what he is doing and that what he does, he has you and Robert first and foremost in his mind,” Gonzalez says putting her hand on Bri’s shoulder.
“I can understand some of that and I know the reasons but I still don’t really get why he has to take the risks he does,” Bri replies.
“Look, I know it seems like he does reckless and risky things at times but understand that he is mindful of what he is doing. And know that he does know his limits, although I do sometimes question if he knows exactly where they are and instead plays it by ear, but he does know what he is doing. Have faith that he will not do anything that will result in him leaving you. This is a dangerous world we live in and nothing is ever guaranteed, but he won’t excessively risk himself if it means you will lose him. He takes these risks for others but only because they have risked their lives for you and Robert. He is merely paying them back for your safety,” Gonzalez says.
“How do you know all of this?” Bri asks.
“Because I’ve known others like him,” Gonzalez answers.
Bri understands and appreciates her dad more. She feels her fears settle and become acceptance. Not a fated kind of acceptance as she is still scared about what is coming up. Bri feels the tempered steel build and become a stronger part of her.
“How many did you get?” Gonzalez asks.
“I’m not sure,” Bri answers.
“I guess we’ll find out in the morning.”
“I guess so,” Bri replies feeling a little shy.
“Well, little warrior princess, you sure chased them off,” Gonzalez says patting her shoulder before rising.
Bri’s heart swells with pride. She still knows she did wrong and put others at risk but those words from Gonzalez fill her. Words escape her but nothing can wipe the smile off her face. That smile says it all.
“Come on, let’s head into the back and get some rest,” Gonzalez says.
Bri rises and follows Gonzalez.
I walk down the steps not sure if I feel better or not. The thought of Bri outside by herself picking off night
