Revived

screwed up my friendship with Audrey. But I can’t for the life of me figure out how.

“Seriously, Matt, is she mad at me or something?”

“No,” he replies without looking in my direction.

“How do you know?” I ask.

“I just know.”

I try to focus on the characters in the movie, but my thoughts turn to Friday night at the mall. It was only two days ago, but it feels like a lifetime. I think of the ride home, and of Audrey’s distractedness. If she’s not mad at me, then what could it be?

Then I remember Friday’s barfing taco incident, and the fact that she lied about it. And her raspy breath at the movie. Her sweaty forehead afterward.

“Is something wrong with Audrey?” I ask, grasping. Matt’s face snaps toward mine.

“What do you mean?” he asks, more confrontational than questioning. His defensiveness tells me that I’ve hit on something.

“It’s just that her voice always seems raspy and she gets tired easily and Friday, after the movie, she looked super out of it and…” My voice trails off. It sounds silly when I say it aloud. Except Matt is staring at me as if I just ran over his dog.

“What’s wrong?” I ask softly. Without thinking too much about it, I reach out and touch my fingertips to his. I’m surprised by my confidence, but I don’t move my fingers from his. Matt turns his head away, but he doesn’t move his fingers, either.

“I’m not supposed to tell you,” he says flatly.

“Tell me what?” I ask, annoyed. “It’s so lame when people keep secrets. I—”

And then he says it.

“Audrey has cancer.”

thirteen

At three o’clock, there’s a note waiting under Mason’s door at the hotel in Kansas City, and Matt and I are more than halfway to Omaha.

We haven’t spoken for miles, but it’s a comfortable silence, not the kind when you’re scrambling for something to say. I can’t explain how it happened, but sometime between waking up with him in my bed and riding next to him now, my nervousness with Matt has faded. It’s not quite automatic, like it is with Audrey or Megan, but when Matt and I talk, it’s easier. And when we don’t talk, it’s easier then, too. Even though my chest feels full, my knee is still and my breathing is steady. Despite the heavy thoughts in my head, Matt’s presence is making me calm.

The particular stretch of road we’re on has a funny tread: The sound of the tires against the pavement makes me think of a zipper quickly going up and down, over and over. The strange rhythm lulls me into a zoned-out state where all I can do is listen to my internal dialogue.

Audrey’s dying.

She’s really dying.

I ran off without telling Mason.

I want to help Audrey.

There’s nothing I can do about Audrey.

Wow… it all makes sense. The hurling. Her mom letting her do everything she wants. The sad looks at school.

Is it terminal?

It has to be terminal. Yes, Matt’s face says it is.

I’m going to get in trouble.

Getting in trouble is insignificant compared to what Audrey’s going through.

I’ve never been in trouble.

Stop acting like a child. Audrey’s DYING!

Yes, but…

Wow. I have a warped view of death.

And finally:

I want to tell Matt about Revive.

The last thought startles me. I gasp, but the sound of the road blocks it from Matt’s ears. Never in my life have I dared to consider telling anyone about the program, and yet it would be so easy to open my mouth and let it out right now. I could tell him that I’m not exactly normal when it comes to thoughts on death. I could explain that being part of a program that makes death optional is sort of like wearing a protective suit through life. That it gives me confidence that other kids don’t have. Like when I was younger and I took swimming lessons, I didn’t bawl on the side of the pool like everyone else did because I wasn’t afraid of drowning. Sure, I didn’t want to drown—I knew what it felt like—but there was no finality about it to me.

Not wanting to die is very different from being paralyzed by the fear of it.

I could tell Matt how conflicted I feel right now, that I can’t believe my one non-program friend has cancer. That my instinct is to try to save her, but I know it’s futile: Even if Mason agreed to Revive someone outside the program, it doesn’t work on gunshot victims or cancer patients. But maybe…

My stomach twists tight at the thought of sharing secrets. My mouth dries out as I start to ponder the right words. Matt and I are all alone, with miles to go; I obviously like him and I think he likes me. I could do this. My heart begins to race as I seriously consider…

BUMP!

Like it was sent to stop me, the road suddenly mellows to smooth, fresh pavement, and with the noise gone I can hear my conscience. And what it’s saying is that exposing the program is not only wrong—it’s stupid, too. I barely know Matt: How can I trust him with something as monumental as this?

I’m embarrassed for even thinking about it.

To distract myself from going there again, I break the silence.

“Tell me what happened,” I say gently. “How did Audrey find out about her cancer?”

It’s a minute before Matt responds.

“Are you sure you want the details?” he asks.

“I’m sure.”

“Okay,” he says. I glance at him long enough to watch him thumb his hair out of his eyes and turn the music down to a whisper. Then he shares the story. “Two years ago we were on a weekend trip to Fremont Lakes with our parents. We ate these super-spicy tacos and Audrey got a stomachache. But then she threw up and could barely stand and Mom and Dad freaked out; they thought she might have extreme food poisoning or something.

“Dad rushed her to the hospital, and the doctor looked at her, and it turned out it had nothing to do with tacos. The doctor thought maybe she had a hole in her stomach or intestines or whatever. He wanted to operate immediately to fix it.”

I look at Matt and watch as he flexes his sharp jaw muscles. There are no tears in his dark eyes as he speaks, but there’s pain, pure and simple. I reach over and touch his hand to encourage him to go on. He does.

“When Audrey went into surgery, Mom and I went to the hospital to hang out with my dad, and then, when it was over, the doctor asked my parents to follow him to his office. I sat in the waiting room until they came out. When they did, my mom was crying and couldn’t stop. It was…” His voice catches; he takes a breath and finishes. “My dad told me that they found tumors in Audrey’s stomach and liver.”

“Oh my god,” I say, covering my mouth.

“I know,” he says. “It was insane.”

I’m quiet, so Matt continues.

“Then Audrey was in the hospital for five or six days. The first few she was on a ventilator. It was really weird because when she woke up, she couldn’t remember where she was or how she got there.”