Beyond Recognition

She didn’t answer. Perhaps they would see each other from time to time; she wanted to support him, to be there for him. She reached out and took his hand in hers. It was the first time she had dared to do so, but not from lack of want. Of need. Her heart wanted to burst. Her throat was tight. His small fist was hot. Her hand was cold. He looked down at their hands, and when the light changed, she pulled away from him and drove on, her moist eyes focused on the moist road, but she felt his intense gaze fixed upon her. Perhaps he had felt it too. Perhaps.

“You know, Ben, sometimes a person comes along in your life, a special person, and without knowing it they show you something about yourself, they point you in a particular direction that maybe you didn’t see until they came along. You know?” She was talking like him now. She could hardly believe it. A smile sprang onto her face.

“I guess so,” he answered.

“What I mean to say is, you are that person for me. You helped me in ways I can’t explain, I guess, but profoundly and forever. Good stuff,” she said.

“That guy Owen. Is that what you mean? Look out, it’s yellow.”

She slowed the car, realizing she had better pay closer attention. “Thanks.”

“You mean him?” he asked, not letting it go the way an adult might have.

“I mean you,” she answered.

“I don’t see what I did, except screw everything up.”

“Watch the language.”

“It’s the next right.”

“I know.”

He bit away a sly grin. “You’re okay, D. I know you did a ton of stuff for me-to make this happen with Emily and all. You and Susan. And, well, it’s really cool, is all. You know?”

“If you ever, ever, need anything, you had better call me,” she said, trying to avoid crying, which only made it worse.

“We’ll see each other,” he repeated, a little more desperately. She wanted to believe that only then was their separation registering in him.

“You have a lot of love in you, Ben. Don’t be afraid to share it.” The rain did her no good, for she hadn’t held off the tears until outside as she had hoped to do. She finally dared look at him, and he was crying too, and selfishly this made her happy.

She pulled to a stop in front of the purple house.

“I don’t normally do this,” he said. He reached into the back seat for his backpack and books. “You and Susan are going to help me move, right?”

“Right.”

“So we’ll see each other.”

“Maybe I won’t get out,” she said, seeing Emily open the door and wave. She couldn’t stop the tears now. She abandoned any effort to do so. The wipers sounded peaceful, their rhythm soothing. She was heading back to the houseboat alone to listen to the rain fall on the dock and beat on her roof. To a log fire and a glass of wine and more tears. It was good. It was what she wanted.

“Well,” he said. He leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek, his excitement over seeing Emily already winning out.

Daphne nodded and sniffled, unable at first to get any words out. He popped open the door and jumped out.

“Ben!” she called out sharply, sounding like a wire breaking.

Out in the rain, Ben leaned his head down and into the car.

“Tell her to paint the damn house,” Daphne said. She found a smile at last.

“Watch your language,” Ben replied. But his expression said it all. She would remember that look for a lifetime. Cherish it.

He pushed the door shut and hurried off through the falling rain.

76

The Dahlia Lounge was crowded. Boldt and Liz owned two stools up by the receptionist as they waited for a table. She was drinking fruit juice. Boldt, uncharacteristically, was drinking straight vodka. She looked like a million dollars. His cast itched.

“He had moved all his stuff out, probably because if the kid talked we could locate him, and he had no desire to hurt the kid.”

“It was two weeks ago.” She studied him. For two weeks he had lain awake petting her hair as she slept. For two weeks they had said things they had always wanted to say, shared things they had always wanted to share. They had talked about why it took something so severe to bring two people to such rich honesty. He believed it unfair. She believed it a blessing.

The pain was worse. They were taking an evening out while they still had one to take.

“What about the boy?” she asked.

“Daphne pushed hard. He gets to be with the psychic short-term, maybe long term. It’s a good thing.”

“Yes,” she agreed. They clinked glasses.

“What’s this dinner about?” she asked.

“Can’t we just go out to dinner?”

“No. Not here. Not like this. What’s it about?”

He snorted and looked to the drink for courage. “I’m going to put in for lieutenant.”

“Seriously?”

“Would I joke?”

She studied her husband, leaned over, and kissed his cheek. She reached up to take off the lipstick, but Boldt leaned away.

“No,” he said. “I want to keep it.”

“It looks kind of silly.”

“Good,” he said. He lifted his glass and ordered another vodka.

“I’m driving,” she said.

“You’re driving,” he agreed. Then he said, “Hell, you’ve been driving us for years.”

They looked into each other’s eyes a few times, but neither said a word. Liz eventually couldn’t fight off the smile, and Boldt joined her.

“Crazy, huh?” she said.

“Yeah. Weird,” Boldt agreed. He felt tears at the back of his throat. He fought against them.

“You never know,” she offered. Her eyes were glassy.

“No. You never know.”

“We’ll help each other through it.” She reached down and took his hand in hers and squeezed hard-she squeezed the way he’d wanted her to squeeze for years. Where had that squeeze gone? he wondered. How had they lost that squeeze until such a moment? She squeezed again and squeezed tears from both their eyes.

But Boldt managed the smile that time. He realized that was how it was going to be, trading back and forth, the both of them. “A lot of this lately,” he confessed.

“Yeah. Good for the tear ducts,” she offered, blinking through her own.

“Scared?” he asked, his voice trembling.

“Yes,” she answered. “You bet I am.” Her lips quivered and she looked to him for some answer that he didn’t have.

“Me, too,” he whispered, to the most beautiful wife in the world.