The Colour of Magic

to-master Atavarr’s Personal Gravitational Upset, the practical result of which was that until it wore off Rincewind’s body was convinced that ‘down’ lay at ninety degrees to that direction normally accepted as of a downward persuasion by the majority of the Disc’s inhabitants. He was in fact standing on the wall.

Meanwhile the flung bottle hung supportless in the air a few yards away. In its case time had—well, not actually been stopped, but had been slowed by several orders of magnitude, and its trajectory had so far occupied several hours and a couple of inches as far as Twoflower and Rincewind were concerned. The glass gleamed in the moonlight. Rincewind sighed and tried to make himself comfortable on the wall.

‘Why don’t you ever worry?’ he demanded petulantly. ‘Here we are, going to be sacrificed to some god or other in the morning, and you just sit there eating barnacle canapes.’

‘I expect something will turn up,’ said Twoflower.

‘I mean, it’s not as if we know why we’re going to be killed,’ the wizard went on.

You’d like to, would you?

‘Did you say that?’ asked Rincewind.

‘Say what?’

You’re hearing things said the voice in Rincewind’s head.

He sat bolt sideways. ‘Who are you?’ he demanded.

Twoflower gave him a worried look.

‘I’m Twoflower,’ he said. ‘Surely you remember?’

Rincewind put his head in his hands.

‘It’s happened at last,’ he moaned. ‘I’m going out of my mind.’

Good idea said the voice. It’s getting pretty crowded in here.

The spell pinning Rincewind to the wall vanished with a faint ‘pop’. He fell forward and landed in a heap on the floor.

Careful—you nearly squashed me.

Rincewind struggled to his elbows and reached into the pocket of his robe. When he withdrew his hand the green frog was sitting on it, its eyes oddly luminous in the half-light.

‘You?’ said Rincewind.

Put me down on the floor and stand back The frog blinked.

The wizard did so, and dragged a bewildered Twoflower out of the way.

The room darkened. There was a windy, roaring sound. Streamers of green, purple and octarine cloud appeared out of nowhere and began to spiral rapidly towards the recumbent amphibian, shedding small bolts of lightning as they whirled. Soon the frog was lost in a golden haze which began to elongate upwards, filling the room with a warm yellow light. Within it was a darker, indistinct shape, which wavered and changed even as they watched. And all the time there was the high, brain-curdling whine of a huge magical field …

As suddenly as it had appeared, the magical tornado vanished. And there, occupying the space where the frog had been, was a frog.

‘Fantastic,’ said Rincewind.

The frog gazed at him reproachfully.

‘Really amazing,’ said Rincewind sourly. ‘A frog magically transformed into a frog. Wondrous.’

‘Turn around,’ said a voice behind them. It was a soft, feminine voice, almost an inviting voice, the sort of voice you could have a few drinks with, but it was coming from a spot where there oughtn’t to be a voice at all. They managed to turn without really moving, like a couple of statues revolving on plinths.

There was a woman standing in the pre-dawn light. She looked—she was—she had a—in point of actual fact she …

Later Rincewind and Twoflower couldn’t quite agree on any single fact about her, except that she had appeared to be beautiful [35] and that she had green eyes. Not the pale green of ordinary eyes, either—these were the green of fresh emeralds and as iridescent as a dragonfly. And one of the few genuinely magical facts that Rincewind knew was that no god or goddess, contrary and volatile as they might be in all other respects, could change the colour or nature of their eyes …

‘L—’ he began. She raised a hand.

‘You know that if you say my name I must depart,’ she hissed. ‘Surely you recall that I am the one goddess who comes only when not invoked?’

‘Uh. Yes, I suppose I do,’ croaked the wizard, trying not to look at the eyes. ‘You’re the one they call the Lady?’

‘Yes.’

‘Are you a goddess then?’ said Twoflower excitedly. ‘I’ve always wanted to meet one.’

Rincewind tensed, waiting for the explosion of rage. Instead, the Lady merely smiled.

‘Your friend the wizard should introduce us,’ she said.

Rincewind coughed. ‘Uh, yar,’ he said. ‘This is Twoflower, Lady, he’s a tourist—’

‘—I have attended him on a number of occasions—’

‘—and, Twoflower, this is the Lady. Just the Lady, right? Nothing else. Don’t try and give her any other name, okay?’ he went on desperately, his eyes darting meaningful glances that were totally lost on the little man.

Rincewind shivered. He was not, of course, an atheist; on the Disc the gods dealt severely with atheists. On the few occasions when he had some spare change he had always made a point of dropping a few coppers into a temple coffer, somewhere, on the principle that a man needed all the friends he could get. But usually he didn’t bother the Gods, and he hoped the Gods wouldn’t bother him. Life was quite complicated enough.

There were two gods, however, who were really terrifying. The rest of the gods were usually only sort of large-scale humans, fond of wine and war and whoring. But Fate and the Lady were chilling.

In the Gods’ Quarter, in Ankh-Morpork, Fate had a small, heavy, leaden temple, where hollow-eyed and gaunt worshippers met on dark nights for their predestined and fairly pointless rites. There were no temples at all to the Lady, although she was arguably the most powerful goddess in the entire history of Creation. A few of the more daring members of the Gamblers’ Guild had once experimented with a form of worship, in the deepest cellars of Guild headquarters, and had all died of penury, murder or just Death within the week. She was the Goddess Who Must Not Be Named; those who sought her never found her, yet she was known to come to the aid of those in greatest need. And, then again, sometimes she didn’t. She was like that. She didn’t like the clicking of rosaries, but was attracted to the sound of dice. No man knew what She looked like, although there were many times when a man who was gambling his life on the turn of the cards would pick up the hand he had been dealt and stare Her full in the face. Of course, sometimes he didn’t. Among all the gods she was at one and the same time the most courted and the most cursed.

‘We don’t have gods where I come from,’ said Twoflower.

‘You do, you know,’ said the Lady. ‘Everyone has gods. You just don’t think they’re gods.’

Rincewind shook himself mentally.

‘Look,’ he said. ‘I don’t want to sound impatient, but in a few minutes some people are going to come through that door and take us away and kill us.’

‘Yes,’ said the Lady.

‘I suppose you wouldn’t tell us why?’ said Twoflower.

‘Yes,’ said the Lady. ‘The Krullians intend to launch a bronze vessel over the edge of the Disc. Their prime purpose is to learn the sex of A’tuin the World Turtle.’

‘Seems rather pointless,’ said Rincewind.

‘No. Consider. One day Great A’tuin may encounter another member of the species chelys galactica, somewhere in the vast night in which we move. Will they fight? Will they mate? A little imagination will show you that the sex of Great A’tuin could be very important to us. At least, so the Krullians say.’

Rincewind tried not to think of World Turtles mating. It wasn’t completely easy.

‘So,’ continued the goddess, ‘they intend to launch this ship of space, with two voyagers aboard. It will be the culmination of decades of research. It will also be very dangerous for the travellers. And so, in an attempt to