The Fifth Elephant

himself.

'Yes,' said Vimes. 'The good bits and the bad bits.'

'And you see what happens when you stand up to a werewolf?'

Vimes opened his mouth to say, 'Is that a uniform you're wearing, captain, or is it fancy dress?' but stopped himself in time. 'No, it's what happens when you're fool enough to stand up to a werewolf with no back-up and no firepower,' he said. 'I'm sorry, but we all have to learn that lesson. Integrity makes very poor armour.'

The man reddened. 'What is your business here?' he said.

'Our hairy friend just murdered someone in the embassy, which is—'

'Yes, yes, Ankh-Morpork territory. But this isn't! I am the watchman here!'

'I'm in hot pursuit, Captain. Ah. I see you know the term?'

'I... I... that doesn't apply!'

'Really?' Vimes raised an eyebrow. 'Surely every copper knows about the rule of hot pursuit. You can chase the suspect over your legal boundary if you're in hot pursuit. Of course, there may be a bit of legal argy-bargy once he's caught, but we can save that for later.'

'I intend to arrest him myself for crimes committed today!'

'You're too young to die. Besides, I saw him first. Tell you what... After he's killed me you can have a go. Fair enough?' He looked Tantony in the eye. 'Now get out of the way.'

'You know I could have you arrested.'

'Probably, but until now I'd got you down as an intelligent man.'

Tantony nodded, and proved Vimes right. 'All right. How may we be of assistance?'

'By keeping out of the way. Oh, and scraping up my remains if this doesn't work.'

Vimes felt the man's stare on the back of his neck as he set off again.

There was a statue in the middle of the square. It was of the Fifth Elephant. Some ancient craftsman had tried to achieve in bronze and stone the moment when the allegorical animal had thundered down out of the sky and gifted the country its incredible mineral wealth. Around it were idealized and rather heavy-set figures of dwarfs and men, holding hammers and swords, and striking noble attitudes; they probably represented Truth, Industry, Justice and Mother's Home-Made Fat Pancakes for all Vimes knew, but he felt truly far from home in a country where, apparently, no one wrote graffiti on public statues.

A man was sprawled on the cobbles, with a woman kneeling beside him. She looked tearfully at Vimes and said something in Uberwaldean. All he could do was nod.

Wolfgang jumped down from a perch on top of the statue to Bad Sculpting and landed a few yards away, grinning.

'Mister Civilized! You want another game?'

'You see this badge I'm holding up?' said Vimes.

'It's a very small one!'

'But you see it?'

'Yes, I see your little badge!' Wolfgang started to move sideways, arms hanging loosely by his sides.

'And I'm armed. Did you hear me tell you I'm armed?'

'With that silly bow?'

'But you just heard me say I'm armed, yes?' said Vimes, loudly, turning to face the moving werewolf. He puffed on his cigar, letting a glow build up.

'Yes! Is this what you call civilized?'

Vimes grinned. 'Yes, this is how we do it.'

'My way is better!'

'And now you're under arrest,' said Vimes. 'Come along and make no fuss and we'll tie you securely and hand you over to whatever passes for justice around here. I realize this may be difficult.'

'Hah! Your Ankh-Morpork sense of humour!'

'Yes, any minute now I'll drop my trousers. So, you're resisting arrest?'

'Why these stupid questions?' Now Wolfgang was almost dancing.

'Are you resisting arrest?'

'Yes indeed! Oh yes! Good joke!'

'Look at me laughing.'

Vimes tossed the crossbow aside and swung a tube out from under his cloak. It was made of cardboard and a red cone protruded from one end.

'A stupid silly firework!' shouted Wolfgang, and charged.

'Could be,' said Vimes.

He didn't bother to aim. These things were never designed for accuracy or speed. He simply removed his cigar from his mouth and, as Wolfgang ran towards him, pressed it into the fuse hole.

The mortar jerked as the charge went off and its payload came tumbling out slowly and trailing smoke in a lazy spiral. It looked like the stupidest weapon since the toffee spear.

Wolfgang danced back and forth under it, grinning, and as it passed several feet over his head he leapt up gracefully and caught it in his mouth.

And then it exploded.

The flares were made to be seen twenty miles away. Even with his eyes tightly shut, Vimes saw the glare through his lids.

When the body had stopped rolling, Vimes looked around the square. People were watching from the coaches. The crowds were silent.

There were a lot of things he could say. 'Son of a bitch!' would have been a good one. Or he could say, 'Welcome to civilization!' He could have said, 'Laugh this one off!' He might have said, 'Fetch!'

But he didn't, because if he had said any of those things then he'd have known that what he had just done was murder.

He turned away, tossed the empty mortar over his shoulder and muttered, 'The hell with it.'

At times like this teetotalism bit down hard.

Tantony was watching.

'Don't say a word out of place,' said Vimes, without altering his stride. 'Just don't.'

'I thought... those things shot very fast...'

'I cut down the charge,' said Vimes, tossing Detritus's penknife in the air and catching it again. 'I didn't want to hurt anyone.'

'I heard you warn him that you were armed. I heard him twice resist arrest. I heard everything. I heard everything you wanted me to hear.'

'Yes.'

'Of course, he might not have known that law.'

'Oh, really? Well, I didn't know it was legal in these parts to chase some poor sod across the country and maul him to death and, do you know, that didn't stop anyone.' Vimes shook his head. 'And don't give me that pained look. Oh, yes... now you can say I did it wrong, you can say I ought to have handled it differently. That sort of thing is easy to say afterwards. I'll say it myself, maybe.' In the middle of every night, he added to himself, after I've woken up seeing those mad eyes. 'But you wanted him stopped as much as I did. Oh yes, you did. But you couldn't, because you didn't have the means, and I did, because I could. And you've got the luxury of judging me because you're still alive. And that's the truth of it, all wrapped up. Lucky one for you, eh?'

The crowds parted ahead of Vimes. He could hear whispers around him.

'On the other hand,' said Tantony, distantly, as if he hadn't heard what Vimes had just said, 'you did only fire that thing to warn him...'

'Huh?'

'Clearly you were not to know that he would automatically try to catch the... explosive,' said Tantony, and it seemed to Vimes that he was rehearsing the line. 'The... dog-like qualities of a werewolf would hardly have occurred to a man from the big city.'

Vimes held his gaze for a moment, and then patted him on the shoulder. 'Hold on to that thought,' he said.