The Fifth Elephant

A coach pulled to a halt beside him as he continued on his way. It slid to a stop so silently - not a jingle of harness, not a clop of horseshoe - that Vimes jumped sideways out of shock.

The horses were black, with black plumes on their heads. The coach was a hearse, the traditional long glass windows now filled with smoked black glass. There was no driver; the reins were simply loosely knotted on a brass railing.

A door swung open. A veiled figure leaned out. 'Your excellency? Do let me give you a lift back to the embassy. You look so tired.'

'No, thank you,' said Vimes grimly.

'I apologize for the emphasis on black,' said Lady Margolotta. 'It is rather expected of one on these occasions, I'm afraid—'

Vimes swung himself up and into the carriage with furious speed.

'You tell me,' he growled, waving a finger under her nose, 'how anyone can swim up a vertical waterfall? I was prepared to believe anything about that bastard, but even he. couldn't have managed that.'

'Certainly that is a puzzle,' said the vampire calmly, as the driverless coach moved on. 'Superhuman strength, possibly?'

'And now he's gone and that's one up for the vampires, eh?'

'I vould like to think that it's going to be a blessing for the whole country.' Lady Margolotta leaned back. Her rat with the bow round its neck watched Vimes suspiciously from its pink cushion. 'Wolfgang vas a sadistic murderer, a throwback who frightened even his own family. Delphine... sorry, Angua... vill have some peace of mind. An intelligent young lady, I've alvays thought. Leaving here vas the best thing she ever did. The darkness vill be a little less frightening. The vorld will be a better place.'

'And I've handed you Uberwald?' said Vimes.

'Don't be stupid. Uberwald is huge. This is one small part of it. And now it's going to change. You have been a breath of fresh air.'

Lady Margolotta drew a long holder from her bag and inserted a black cigarette. It lit itself.

'Like you, I have found consolation in a... different vice,' she said. 'Black Scopani. They grow the tobacco in total darkness. Do try some. You could waterproof roofs with it. I believe Igor makes cigars by rolling the leaves between his thighs.' She blew out a stream of smoke. 'Or someone's thighs, anyvay. Of course, I am sorry for the Baroness. It must be so hard for a verevolf, realizing that she's raised a monster. As for the Baron, give him a bone and he's happy for hours.' Another stream of smoke. 'Do look after Angua. Happy Families is not a popular game among the undead.'

'You helped him come back! Just like you did for me!'

'Oh, he'd have come back anyvay, in time. Some time when you weren't expecting him. He'd track Angua like a wolverine. Best that things ended today.' She gave him an appraising look through the smoke. 'You're good at anger, your grace. You save it up for when you need it.'

'You couldn't have known I'd beat him. You left me in the snow. I wasn't even armed!'

'Havelock Vetinari would not have sent a fool to Uberwald.' More smoke, which writhed in the air. 'At least, not a stupid fool.'

Vimes's eyes narrowed. 'You've met him, haven't you?'

'Yes.'

'And taught him all he knows, right?'

She blew smoke down her nostrils and gave him a radiant smile.

'I'm sorry? You think I taught him? My dear sir... As for vhat I've got out of all this... vell, a little breathing space. A little influence. Politics is more interesting than blood, your grace. And much more fun. Beware the reformed vampire, sir - the craving for blood is only a craving, and with care it can be diverted along different channels. Uberwald is going to need politicians. Ah, I believe ve are here,' she added, although Vimes could have sworn that she hadn't so much as glanced out of the window.

The door opened.

'If my Igor's still there, do tell him I vill see him Downtown. So nice to have met you. I'm sure ve shall meet again. And do please present my fondest regards to Lord Vetinari.'

The door shut behind Vimes. The coach moved off.

He swore, under his breath.

The hall of the embassy was full of Igors. Several of them touched their forelocks, or at least the line of stitch marks, when they saw him. They were carrying heavy metal containers of varying sizes, on which frost crystals were forming.

'What's this?' he said. 'Igor's funeral?' Then it sank in. 'Oh, my gods... with party loot bags? Everyone gets something to take home?'

'You could thay that, thur, you could call it that,' said an Igor. 'But we think that putting bodieth in the ground ith rather gruethome. All thothe wormth and thingth.' He tapped the tin box under his arm. 'Thith way, he'll be mothtly up and about again in no time,' he added brightly.

'Reincarnation on the instalment plan, eh?' said Vimes weakly.

'Motht amuthing, thur,' said the Igor gravely. 'But it'th amathing what people need. Heartth, liverth, handth... we keep a litht, thur, of detherving catheth. By tonight there will be thome very lucky people in thethe partly'

'And these parts in some very lucky people?'

'Well done, thur. I can thee you are a wit. And one day thome poor thoul will have a really nathty brain injury, and' - he tapped the chilly box again - 'what goeth around cometh around.'

He nodded at Cheery, and at Vimes. 'I mutht be going now, thur. Tho much to do, you know how it ith.'

'I can imagine,' said Vimes. He thought: the axe of my grandfather. You change the bits around, but there'll always be an Igor.

'They're really rather selfless people, sir,' said Cheery, when the last Igor had lurched off. 'They do a lot of good work. Er, they even took his suit and his boots because they'll be useful to someone.'

'I know, I know. But—'

'I know what you mean, sir. Everyone's in the drawing room. Lady Sybil said you'd be back. She said anyone with that look in their eye comes back.'

'We're all going to the coronation. Might as well see this through. Is that what you'll be wearing, Cheery?'

'Yes, sir.'

'But it's just... ordinary dwarf clothes. Trousers and everything.'

'Yes, sir.'

'But Sybil said you'd got a fetching little green number and a helmet with a feather in it.'

'Yes, sir.'

'You're free to wear whatever you want, you know that.'

'Yes, sir. And then I thought about Dee. And I watched the King when he was talking to you, and... well, I can wear what I like, sir. That's the point. I don't have to wear that dress and I shouldn't wear it just because other people don't want me to. Besides, it made me look like a rather stupid lettuce.'

'That's all a bit complicated for me, Cheery.'

'It's probably a dwarf thing, sir.'

Vimes pushed open the doors to the drawing room. 'It's over,' he said.

'Did you hurt anyone else?' said Sybil.

'Only Wolfgang.'

'He'll be back,' said Angua.

'No.'

'You killed him?'

'No. I put him down. I see you're up, captain.'

Carrot got to his feet, awkwardly, and saluted. 'Sorry I haven't been much use, sir.'

'You just chose the wrong time to fight fair. Are you well enough to come?'

'Er, Angua and I want to stay here, if it's all right with you, sir. We've got things to talk about. And, er...