“Hamsters!” Baby Boss shouted, throwing his paws into the air. “Our day of triumph has arrived! Doozy the Chicken is dead!”
“Not so fast!” came a clucky voice from the rear of the assembly. The sea of hamsters parted and there stood Doozy, unfeathered but alive. A neat line of bullet holes traced through her bodice above her massive dugs.
“But--” Baby Boss sputtered in disbelief.
With a grand gesture, Doozy drew a wing across the front of her body, which fell to the floor. Behind what had been an impenetrable shell, containing her false dugs and the line of bullet holes, each still containing the bullet which had never reached her, was her real chicken chest, brown feathers and all.
“Everyone knows chickens don’t have tits!” Doozy cried, and drew out her Magic Umbrella, already glowing green in weapon-mode.
Pandemonium, and the cries of frightened hamsters, filled Hamster Central until the roof, with a massive roar, suddenly caved in.
“Oh, shit,” Doozy clucked.
~ * ~
BABY BOSS AND THE UNDERGROUND HAMSTERS HOLIDAY SPECIAL…LIVE FROM HAMSTER CENTRAL…!!!
~ * ~
Scene: Hamster Central, a huge, dome-ceilinged cavern, and the underground rallying point for all hamsters. It is Christmas Eve. Hamster Central has been decked out in holiday colors, greenery and red bows, twinkling Christmas lights—it is a veritable Fezziwig’s Ball. From somewhere, the muted sounds of Christmas music is heard, Nat King Cole’s “Christmas Song”. A massive sideboard is crowded with food and drink: a glistening moist turkey, two huge pink hams, a punch bowl as big as a child’s swimming pool lapping waves of spiked eggnog.
~ * ~
In the center of Hamster Central, alone, two figures dance slowly: Baby Boss and Doozy the Chicken. Their happy voices murmur and coo; amidst their whispers of affection the sound of contented laughter. We listen in:
~ * ~
DOOZY (sighing): I wish this evening could go on forever, Baby. I wish this could always be (sighing again)
~ * ~
BABY: Me, too. It’s a mystery to me how one magic evening could change everything. Yesterday we were bitter enemies, and now…
~ * ~
DOOZY (blushing): Yes, now…
~ * ~
BABY (sighing himself, a regretful sound): But soon the Underground Hamsters will be back, and the promised party will begin. (gazes lovingly into Doozy’s eyes, his eyes glittering with a sudden thought): Our special night will be a night to be shared by all!
~ * ~
BABY, SUDDENLY SHY, PUSHES DOOZY GENTLY AWAY AND THEN ABRUPTLY GETS DOWN ON ONE KNEE. HE FUMBLES SOMETHING FROM HIS FUR, SOMETHING WHICH SPARKLES WITH THE CAUGHT REFLECTION OF A THOUSAND TWINKLING CHRISTMAS LIGHTS—
~ * ~
DOOZY: A ring!
~ * ~
BABY: (holding the knuckle-sized diamond up toward Doozy, while placing his other paw over his heart) Doozy Chicken, will you marry me?
~ * ~
DOOZY: Will I? This is a dream come true!
~ * ~
THERE ARE SOUNDS FROM THE MANY CAVERNS LEADING INTO
HAMSTER CENTRAL, AND NOW THE UNDERGROUND HAMSTERS
APPEAR, LAUGHING, JOSTLING ONE ANOTHER, IN GOOD SPIRITS
AND LOOKING FORWARD TO THE PARTY TO COME. BUT, AS ONE,
THEY HALT AND GASP AT THE SIGHT OF THEIR BOSS AND DOOZY.
~ * ~
SPIFFY: It’s Baby Boss! And he’s in the clutches of Doozy!
~ * ~
ALL HAMSTERS, AS ONE: Let’s get her!
~ * ~
BABY (his voice drowned out by the roaring torrent of screaming hamsters around him): Stop!
~ * ~
HE HOLDS UP HIS PAWS FOR SILENCE, BUT IS IGNORED AS THE HAMSTERS, THEIR MOUTHS FROTHING IN FURY, TEAR DOOZY TO SHREDS. FEATHERS FLY MADLY AND THERE IS A SINGLE STRANGLED CLUCK AND THEN SUDDEN, COMPLETE SILENCE.
~ * ~
BABY (staring in horror at what is left of his beloved: a pile of bloody feathers, a beak, two wrinkly feet): What have you done! This was the last chance for reconciliation between hamsters and chickens!
~ * ~
HE BEGINS TO WEEP AS THE CEILING SUDDENLY COLLAPSES, SENDING TONS OF ROCK, SOIL AND SNOW FROM THE WHITE CHRISTMAS ABOVE DOWN UPON THEM.
~ * ~
HAMSTERS (as one): Oh, shit—
~ * ~
REEL EIGHTEEN
~ * ~
Baby Boss awoke at his desk with the sour taste of bourbon in his mouth.
How long had it been? Two weeks? A year?
He groaned, as memory, along with the desk calendar in front of his face, told him the real story: it had been only a week, for today was New Year’s Day.
“Oh why! Why!” he cried, throwing his paws out, knocking the empty Jim Beam bottle from his blotter to the floor, where it crashed atop a pile of three-dozen others. “Just when happiness was in my grasp!”
He looked up at his paw, which closed into a furry fist—and then a bout of weeping overcame him and he covered his face with his paws and lowered it to the desk. “Oh Doozy, my love, you are gone!”
There came a sound behind him in the doorway that separated his office from the cave beyond. A tentative knock followed.
“Baby, are you in there?”
The voice was a soft cluck.
Baby sprang from the desk and ran for the door, which flew open to reveal…Doozy Chicken!
“You’re safe!” Baby cried.
Doozy smiled—and then pulled from behind her, where it sat waiting in it’s special hidden holster, her Magic Umbrella, glowing with menacing green light. Her eyes were filled with sudden hate.
“But Doozy—our love—!”
“Did you think I’d send the real me to test the depths of your treachery? That was no chicken you asked to marry you—it was a Cyber Doozy, produced in my secret lab at the Center of the Earth!”
She laughed, pulling the trigger, and the evil light intensified to a blinding flash.
