enough attention.
'Oil's going up again. Well, they're at it again,' Karl shook his head.
'Karl, what does that mean?'
'Ha-'
'Don't give me that 'Ha' bullshit. What does it mean?'
'What are you getting all ticked off about Duffy?'
'You keep muttering about shit and then you make some sort of half assed prediction that gets sort of fulfilled. Then you act like Nostre-fucking-damus.'
'The truth hurts.'
'No. Fucking bullshit hurts!' My head started to throb. I noticed my breathing accelerated.
'You're having a reaction right now Duffy. Slow your breathing.'
'I'm not having a fucking reac-'My chest got really tight and my head felt like a screwdriver went through it. Al came running around the corner and sat in front of me.
'Rub Al's ears.'
'What?' Everything felt tight. The stupidity of Karl's comment jarred me.
'Rub his ears and don't think of anything else.' I did. I don't know why. The pain in my chest remained, the weird feeling like someone hit the fast forward button on my thoughts was there, and I felt like I imagined asthmatics felt. I don't know anything about this shit, but I knew I hated it. Karl continued to speak softly, in a monotone.
'Feel the softness of the texture. Sense how it relaxes him. Feel the ears. Feel the ears.'
I did and I kept doing it. It got better than focusing on my chest caving in on me. I kept doing it. Al lifted a paw and rested it on my leg. He sort of purred.
Little by little my breathing eased. I sweated and I felt, all of a sudden, exhausted. My vision widened and I felt like I just had done wind sprints up a hill. My chest pounded, but slowed. I had no idea if 20 seconds had just passed or a couple of hours. I had no idea what these fucking things were, or what brought them on, but I began to understand how people who got them never left their house or got out of bed.
I started crying uncontrollably.
'What the fuck is happening to me?'
'Now you know why I take drugs. I think you clinical types call them panic attacks.'
'It didn't feel like anything fucking clinical to me.'
'It never does when it's happening to you.' I sat up and watched the TV. I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to think. I drank the rest of the Schlitz. The three of us sat in silence while MSNBC went on about oil prices, Afghanistan, and the Middle East. I was barely focusing when, after about twenty minutes, Karl couldn't restrain himself from commenting.
'The average idiot who thinks they know about these things likes to say 'It's all about oil.' That isn't even the tip of the ice berg, man.' He shook his head.
'When did you start seeing everything as a conspiracy? I mean, damn.'
'I see things that way because I've got a lot of experience getting conspired on.'
'You know, Karl I went out to your old high school. I didn't realize you were such a big man on campus back in the day.'
'Yeah, before the world got in the way.'
'Football star, class officer…Mr. BMOC. Have you kept up with the classmates?'
'Nah, phony bastards. I've got no use for them.'
'What about Newstrom? Wasn't he in the Corps with you?'
'Was, then he went private. He was part of it.'
'Part of it. What are you talking about?'
'The shit went down. I found he planned on going private the whole time.'
'What do you mean private?'
'He's a mercenary, except now they call them 'private security.' Shit, we got more private troops in Iraq then we do U.S. military. They make three times the pay and have no rules or discipline.'
'And he had something to do with screwing you over?' Karl looked at me and nodded. He got quiet and I couldn't tell for sure if he was sad or really angry. I didn't want to put the guy through the anguish of his memories, but I also had a pretty good size knot on my head letting me know I was intimately a part of his mess.
'Karl, I read your VA file today. I can't imagine the shit you went through. It's easy to see how that could fuck a guy up.' Karl stayed quiet. I started to wonder if I should've said anything about his file.
'So you know about the kids.'
'Yeah.'
'You think that's why I'm nuts?'
'Well, no, but I can understand the impact-'
'Now you're talking like a social worker again.' Karl stood up.
'Look, shooting a couple of innocent kids fucked me up, no doubt, but what happened after that sealed it.'
'What happened?'
'Nah, Duffy, no way, no yet. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate everything you've done for me, but to be honest, I've been screwed before by people who did nice things. No, not yet.' I noticed Karl's hands trembled.
'Do you think whatever shit is had something to do with the Army guys who got me at the medical center?'
'Without a doubt.'
'And you're not going to tell me what this is about?' Karl looked away and paced back and forth. He chewed away at the tip of his thumb. Al started to follow him as he paced, making the turns, albeit not as easily as his two- legged buddy.
'I found out about shit that would get a lot of people in trouble. It's important to certain people, very big deal people, I'm seen as a lunatic so no one ever takes what I say seriously. When people start taking me seriously…'
'What Karl?'
He didn't answer. He stopped pacing and turned his back to me. I could hear him starting to cry.
'Karl, goddamn it-what happens if people start taking you seriously?'
'They'll kill me.'
22
My head ached both from being whacked and from listening to Karl's logic. I decided to administer my own pain medication and head to AJ's. Karl asked to come along. Before I could come up with an excuse why he shouldn't I said, 'Sure.' Karl insisted Al come. He made the point I was being species discriminatory and it wasn't right. My head throbbed and it was about to get worse.
When the three of us came through AJ's front door, Rocco was making a point.
'I'm tellin' ya-he served shoulder to shoulder with Lee Marvin in the Marines,' Rocco said. 'Captain Kangaroo, C'mon!' TC said.
'Well, he did have the rank of captain,' Jerry Number One said.
'What about Mr. Cream Cheese. Was he in the Corps?' TC said.
'Who the hell is Mr. Cream Cheese?' Rocco said.
'The captain's best friend,' TC said.
'Green jeans,' Jerry Number Two said.
'What are you gonna wear them with?' Jerry Number one said. 'I mean other than on St Patrick's Day.'
'That was Captain Kangaroo's best friend,' Jerry Number Two.
'You sound like a commercial for Levi's-'let your green jeans be your best friend.'' TC said.
'I'm serious. Bob Keeshaw was a battle honored Marine,' Rocco said.
