The Complete Roderick

Goun opened a book of nursery rhymes. ‘“Blank, blank gander,’” he read. ‘“Whither shall I wander/ Upstairs and downstairs and in blank blank blank.” Somebody’s hacked out whole words, what is this anyway, “put in his blank and pulled out a plum”, what’s going on?’

She put on her glasses. ‘And here’s A. A. Milne, I know some of these:

Where is Anne?
(Walking with her man)
Lost in a dream
(Lost among the buttercups)

Yes and down here where it says:

What has she got in that firm little fist of hers,
Somebody’s [thumb] and it feels like Christopher’s—

This is terrible, who would, somebody’s got a dirty imagination here, some nasty-minded little—’

‘Yeah, and they cut the last two chapters out of The Marvellous Land of Oz. I can’t make sense out of any of this. Some kid with an anxietal undedifferentiated—’

‘I know what you mean. Little savages, how can I in good conscience ask for a bigger book budget when — Oh before you go, do me a favour, will you? I’m way behind on these individual assessment forms, wonder if you’d mind keeping an eye on this Wood boy for me? The little paraplegic whatever he is, Mrs Dorano’s class, I ought to ask her really, but all she ever puts down is sweet, angelic, a darling innocent; try running that through the County Board computer, they’d have my job. So just, just look him over, will you? In an informal interview situ — you know the way to handle it, thanks.’

‘Sure. Sure I — sure.’ Before he could get out of the door it opened and Captain Fest came in with an armload of reports.

‘Just heard about your burglarization Goun, tough. Tough. Kids got no respect for any damn thing, think they’re king — you better put those trophies somewhere, ma’am, glass case in the hall like that is just an open invitation — well here’s the math skills reports, depressing reading for somebody, don’t give a damn myself any more.’ He followed Goun into the hall. ‘You know I stopped giving a damn when I had twelve-year-olds, one day I asked them how many sixths in a whole, brightest one in the class thought maybe seven, how’s that grab you?’

Moving with great energy he left Goun behind, staring at the trophy case and muttering, ‘Sixths in a hole? In a hole?’

IX

‘Finish your nice tree drawings, everyone. Hurry up.’ Mrs Dorano clapped her hands. ‘Jennifer and I are going to pin up all the nicest ones for everyone to see. And, uh, Suzy dear, you pass out the new readers. QUIET! Anyone I see talking from now on is going to have his tree put in my waste-basket. Jennifer hurry up, dear. Billy, let her have the drawing, finished or not.’

‘Miss can I—?’

‘Miss, Miss, Billy drawed a boy’s pee-pee!’

‘—my pencil and I want it back!’

‘QUIET! Suzy they’re right there, the stack of blue books on my desk, just pass them — Margery, sit DOWN!’

‘But Miss, Billy drawed—’

‘Never mind what Billy draw drew, you shouldn’t even know what one of those looks like, just sit down and…’ She shuffled through the stack of drawings quickly, eliminating those that looked even remotely like body parts — Kids seemed to think of nothing but sex, sex, sex as it was. Too much of it in these promiscuity classes, that’s where it came from. Mr Goun, she’d seen him hovering in the hall, waiting to pounce on any passing child and pour corrupting filth into its little ear.

Most of the drawings looked as little like organs as they did trees, thank heaven. They looked variously like lollipops, fans, clouds, telegraph poles and green squiggles. Little Chauncey had turned out a nice effort, incorporating a rubbing of some ornament — and at the bottom he’d written DECIGEONS.

‘Very, very good, Chauncey. I think what you meant to write was deciduous — I’ll show you how to spell it but I think it’s wonderful that you even attempted such a grown-up word. I oh!’ She had come to little Roger Wood’s drawing.

‘Somebody’s a copycat here,’ she said. ‘But who?’

‘Not me, Mrs Dorano.’ Chauncey grinned.

‘Roger?’

‘What?’ He was peering into his new reader.

‘Did you copy your tree drawing? It looks like a copy.’

‘Well I guess all these decigeon tree drawings look the same, because heck—’

‘That will do.’ She tore up his drawing. ‘As usual, Roger, you disappoint me.’

‘Hey, can I ask you about this here reader? It looks kinda hard and—’

‘That will do, I said.’

Ms Beek looked as though she’d been weeping. Miss Borden, patting her arm, spoke to Captain Fest.

‘Do you really have to barge in here? I was just in the middle of a counselling sess—’

‘I’m sorry ma’am, but the damnedest thing, my binoculars are missing.’

‘Stolen?’

‘Presume so. Had ’em locked up in my desk with a few, ah, personal papers, went out in the hall to have a word with Goun, came back to find it ransacked. Everything gone. Naturally nobody in the class saw anything.’ He passed a hand through his grey crewcut.

Miss Borden looked at a stain on his sleeve. ‘Is that blood? You weren’t attacked?’

‘That? No, it’s nothing. Just interrogating one of the kids about the theft, he slipped and fell, that’s all.’

‘I see. And you were talking to Mr Goun when the robbery occurred?’

‘Wanted to see if he’s interested in joining a male teachers’ drill team, I’m trying to form a crack—’

‘Why male? Because I’m sure Miz Beek here would like—’

‘With all due respect ma’am, problem of different heights, different strides — anyway he was busy talking to that handicapped kid, Wood, wonder if maybe he doesn’t take an unhealthy interest there, always following the kid around the corridors, talking to him in corners—’

‘That’s, I asked him to assess the boy.’

‘Whew! That’s a relief, thought for a moment there… I mean you can’t be too careful about fraternization — oops, sorry Miz Beek, forgot you were here, did I—?’

‘Captain why don’t you go and fill out a form S₃, so that I can get Ogilvy to work on your binoculars?’

When he’d gone she patted Ms Beek’s arm again. ‘There now, he didn’t upset you did he? Because we’ve all forgotten about that little incident, haven’t we?’

‘…forgotten…’