The Complete Roderick

right. And if I say “No”—’

‘Okay then let me try it this way: “Would you be right to answer ‘No’ if I asked you whether you believed this machine can correctly predict your answer to this question?” Answer yes or no.’

‘But heck Father it doesn’t matter what I answer, the machine has to say No —’

‘Exactly! It has no choice. But you do. You, Roderick, have free will. Ergo you are not a robot after all, but a human being, made in God’s —’

‘Yeah, but Father holy Osiris it’s just words, I only get a choice because the machine doesn’t have any, it’s like a — you don’t even need a big screen there, just a sign saying NO, what kinda free will is that? I mean, sure I can choose which NO I mean, just like I can choose with a two-headed coin…’

An hour later the priestly hands were still clawing through books and piles of notes. ‘Okay then, suppose I ask you: “If I asked you whether you disbelieved that you would be right to answer ‘No’ if I didn’t ask you –” No wait a minute, almost got it now. “If I asked –” No, “If I didn’t ask, yes, if I didn’t…”’

‘How’s the workshop?’ Pa asked. ‘Radio still going?’

‘Yup.’ Roderick picked at the pattern on the quilt.

‘What did you learn today?’

Roderick told him about Father Warren’s hypothetical machine.

‘Well I’ll be damned! Son, if you had a machine that good at reading your mind, you wouldn’t need a mind anyway, throw it away and just use the machine. And vicey versa, throw the machine away and use your mind for a machine. By the way, got another cipher for you, toughest one I ever worked out.’

AAA AAA AAAA AA AAA AAAA AAAA

Roderick looked at it for a few seconds. ‘Nob gnu jinx’d by dab hand Kurd, but I think the apostrophe’s cheating.’

Pa was amazed. ‘But how the heck did you—?’

Roderick winked; that is, put a hand over his eye. ‘My secret, Pa.’ It wouldn’t do to tell Pa that he’d peeked at the answer earlier. A little mystery seemed to perk him up, made it seem almost as if he weren’t dying.

He knew Pa was dying. Only the other day the old man had groaned, ‘I’m tired now, son… like to rest a mite…’ and everyone knew what that meant. Besides, Ma was baking a bushel of gingerbread boys every day, and throwing them away every night. Probably she reckoned that the sickness would get drawn out of Pa somehow and enter into the little figures — or maybe she just wanted to keep busy. Either way, Ma was worried.

Only the doctor seemed cheerful. Every day Roderick called Dr Welby up, and every day he refused to come out to the house.

‘He’ll be fine, take it from me. As your family doctor, I can assure you there’s nothing to worry about. That’s off the record, of course. Gotta go now, Judge Bangfield wants me to look over another lakeside propeerty…’ One day Dr Welby had listened to Pa’s heart over the phone and pronounced him strong as a horse.

* * *

‘Seen her myself, Sheriff, throwin’ ’em away. Hell, if what this Doc Sam says is true, well…’

‘Jake, why don’t you just sit down and shut up a while. I’m tryina find me a game show here, don’t seem to be nothin’ on this thing but news…’

‘Hey, leave it a minute, that’s inneresting, looky that!’ Jake McIlvaney shifted some Wanted posters and sat on the counter, staring at the screen.

‘…essor Rogers is still at large. The drama began yesterday when the professor invited a number of colleagues to dinner. One of them was Dr Coppola, who now takes over the story.’

‘Well he told us it was a leg of pork but I didn’t study anatomy for nothing. Took one look and I said to myself, Ken, something’s wrong. Something’s definitely wrong. So I cut a little tissue sample and took it to the lab, right? So…’

The sheriff pushed a button. ‘…tastes like honey. Looks like honey — BUT IT’S BEEZEE… ’

‘Don’t see why they gotta yell at you.’

‘Hey let’s see that Cheesecake Murders thing again—’

‘Shut up, Jake.’

‘…touch the YES button if you prefer a happy ending, touch…’

‘…appropriations for the top secret super think tank near Truth or Consequences, New Mexico. In this exclusive interview, the head of the prestigious Orinoco Institute told us just what goes on in those clandestinized smoke-filled rooms…’

‘…behind every car I sell at low-low-LOW pri…’

‘…BITST! BITST! BOP, BOP, BOP! It’s a treat! It’s when you eat! It’s 0 so neat! It’s got the beat! It’s itsy, it’s itsy, it’s bitsy, it’s…’

Finally the sheriff turned it off. ‘Hundred and fifty a month I pay for cable, they can’t even get in one damn game show. Now what’s eatin’ you, Jake?’

The story the TV repairman the disc jockey the waitress the sister of the waitress the preacher the barber the deputy the optometrist the lawyer the daughter-in-law of the lawyer the mechanic the butcher the electrician the young woman the nurse the friend of the nurse the carpenter the grocer the sign painter the father-in-law of the sign painter the old man the baker the young man the grandfather of the young man the plumber the doctor the old woman the druggist the jury the meter reader the cousin of the meter reader the gift stamp redeemer the farmer the clerk the brother-in-law of the clerk the gas station man the teacher the bartender the undertaker the salesman the vet the Rotarian president the dentist the used car dealer the insurance man the chiropractor’s wife the mother of the preacher the waitress the neighbour of the disc jockey the uncle of the TV repairman avoided visited stopped defended complained of was good to liked did fillings on met was close to envied called spoke to was related to disliked spoke to saw loved waved at had known for ages visited convicted revived hated cured befriended listened to helped saw awaited supported smiled at was thick with spurned once ran over admired gave a ride to annoyed barely knew married lived near represented fitted lenses for arrested shaved greeted lived with waited on humoured told got around quickly. No one really believed it but…

Roderick was sitting at the dining-table trying to make sense out of some of the bills. Ma sat opposite, nibbling gingerbread and reading The Golden Bough.

‘I don’t know, I’ve tried everything. I put a gingerbread boy under his pillow. All he did was complain about the crumbs. Think I’ll give up on gingerbread.’

‘How the heck did we get a thousand-dollar phone bill? All local calls, too, practically.’ Roderick patted his mouth, indicating a yawn. ‘Be glad when my new face gets here, Ma. I mean I really get tired of spelling everything out

A June-bug buzzed in and plopped on the electric bill, which was a final demand. ‘Must be a hole in the screen,’ said Roderick. ‘You know we might clear these up if I quit school and got a job. They’d probably give me a diploma if I asked — Father Warren wants to get rid of me, I think.’

Ma said, ‘I wonder… what if I tried smearing Pa all over with this turmeric paste while he sits on the hide of a red bull—’

‘FBI! Freeze!’ said a voice. Roderick put his hands up.

‘Oh!’ Ma craned around. ‘Agent Wcz, isn’t it? And Sheriff Benson, how nice. But who are these other gentlemen?’

‘Freeze!’ warned Wcz.

‘Don’t I wish I could, weather like this! Well come in if you’re going to, don’t keep letting June-bugs in.’

‘Are we under arrest?’ Roderick asked.

Wcz kept the gun trained on him. ‘Why, what have you done?’

The other men shuffled in and introduced themselves. ‘IRS,’ said one. ‘I’ll take those papers, tin-face.’

‘CIA,’ said a second. ‘Don’t worry about me folks, I have no jurisdiction here, just observing in an observer capacity.’