I didn't let her finish.
'Look,' I said, stopping, turning to face her. 'I've just spent all day hauling crap, I haven't eaten since lunch, and now I have to trek a mile out of my way to make sure you get home, when we both know you don't even need me to do it.'
It was the first time I'd ever raised my voice to her. To tell you the truth, it felt kind of good. It had been building up for a long time. Jamie was too surprised to respond, and I went on.
'And the only reason I'm doing this is because of your father, who doesn't even like me. This whole thing is dumb, and I wish I had never agreed to do it.'
'You're just saying this because you're nervous about the play—'
I cut her off with a shake of my head.
Once I got on a roll, it was sometimes hard for me to stop. I could take her optimism and cheerfulness only so long, and today wasn't the day to push me too far.
'Don't you get it?' I said, exasperated. 'I'm not nervous about the play, I just don't want to be here. I don't want to walk you home, I don't want my friends to keep talking about me, and I don't want to spend time with you. You keep acting like we're friends, but we're not. We're not anything. I just want the whole thing to be over so I can go back to my normal life.'
She looked hurt by my outburst, and to be honest, I couldn't blame her.
'I see,' was all she said. I waited for her to raise her voice at me, to defend herself, to make her case again, but she didn't. All she did was look toward the ground. I think part of her wanted to cry, but she didn't, and I finally stalked away, leaving her standing by herself. A moment later, though, I heard her start moving, too. She was about five yards behind me the rest of the way to her house, and she didn't try to talk to me again until she started up the walkway. I was already moving down the sidewalk when I heard her voice.
'Thank you for walking me home, Landon,' she called out.
I winced as soon as she said it. Even when I was mean to her face and said the most spiteful things, she could find some reason to thank me. She was just that kind of girl, and I think I actually hated her for it.
Or rather, I think, I hated myself.
Chapter 8
The night of the play was cool and crisp, the sky absolutely clear without a hint of clouds. We had to arrive an hour early, and I'd been feeling pretty bad all day about the way I'd talked to Jamie the night before. She'd never been anything but nice to me, and I knew that I'd been a jerk. I saw her in the hallways between classes, and I wanted to go up to apologize to her for what I'd said, but she'd sort of slip back into the crowd before I got the chance. She was already at the Playhouse by the time I finally arrived, and I saw her talking to Miss Garber and Hegbert, off to one side, over by the curtains. Everyone was in motion, working off nervous energy, but she seemed strangely lethargic. She hadn't put on her costume yet—she was supposed to wear a white, flowing dress to give that angelic appearance—and she was still wearing the same sweater she'd worn at school. Despite my trepidation at how she might react, I walked up to the three of them.
'Hey, Jamie,' I said. 'Hello, Reverend . . . Miss Garber.'
Jamie turned to me.
'Hello, Landon,' she said quietly.
I could tell she'd been thinking about the night before, too, because she didn't smile at me like she always did when she saw me. I asked if I could talk to her alone, and the two of us excused ourselves. I could see Hegbert and Miss Garber watching us as we took a few
steps off to the side, out of hearing distance.
I glanced around the stage nervously.
'I'm sorry about those things I said last night,'
I began. 'I know they probably hurt your feelings, and I was wrong to have said them.'
She looked at me, as if wondering whether to believe me.
'Did you mean those things you said?' she finally asked.
'I was just in a bad mood, that's all. I get sort of wound up sometimes.' I knew I hadn't really answered her question.
'I see,' she said. She said it as she had the night before, then turned toward the empty seats in the audience. Again she had that sad look in her eyes.
'Look,' I said, reaching for her hand, 'I promise to make it up to you.' Don't ask me why I said it—it just seemed like the right thing to do at that moment.
For the first time that night, she began to smile.
'Thank you,' she said, turning to face me.
'Jamie?'
Jamie turned. 'Yes, Miss Garber?'
'I think we're about ready for you.' Miss Garber was motioning with her hand.
'I've got to go,' she said to me.
'I know.'
'Break a leg?' I said. Wishing someone luck before a play is supposed to be bad luck. That's why everyone tells you to 'break a leg.'
I let go of her hand. 'We both will. I promise.'
After that, we had to get ready, and we went our separate ways. I headed toward the men's dressing room. The Playhouse was fairly sophisticated, considering that it was located in Beaufort, with separate dressing rooms that made us feel as if we were actual actors, as opposed to students.
My costume, which was kept at the Playhouse, was already in the dressing room. Earlier in the rehearsals we'd had our measurements taken so that they could be altered, and I was getting dressed when Eric walked in the door unannounced. Eddie was still in the dressing room, putting on his mute bum's costume, and when he saw Eric he got a look of terror in his eyes. At least once a week Eric gave him a wedgie, and Eddie kind of hightailed it out of there as fast as he could, pulling one leg up on his costume on the way out the door. Eric ignored him and sat on the dressing table in front of the mirror.
'So,' Eric said with a mischievous grin on his face, 'what are you going to do?'
I looked at him curiously. 'What do you mean?' I asked.
'About the play, stupid. You gonna flub up your lines or something?'
I shook my head. 'No.'
'You gonna knock the props over?' Everyone knew about the props.
'I hadn't planned on it,' I answered stoically.
'You mean you're going to do this thing straight up?'
I nodded. Thinking otherwise hadn't even occurred to me.
He looked at me for a long time, as if he were seeing someone he'd never seen before.
'I guess you're finally growing up, Landon,' he said at last. Coming from Eric, I wasn't sure whether it was intended as a compliment.
Either way, though, I knew he was right.
In the play, Tom Thornton is amazed when he first sees the angel, which is why he goes around helping her as she shares Christmas with those less fortunate. The first words out of Tom's mouth are, 'You're beautiful,' and I was supposed to say them as if I meant them from the bottom of my heart. This was the pivotal moment in the entire play, and it sets the tone for everything else that happens afterward. The problem, however, was that I still hadn't nailed this line yet. Sure, I said the words, but they didn't come off too convincingly, seeing as I probably said the words like anyone would when looking at Jamie, with the exception of Hegbert. It was the only scene where Miss Garber had never said the wordmarvelous, so I was nervous about it. I kept trying to imagine someone else as the angel so that I could get it just right, but with all the other things I was trying to concentrate on, it kept getting lost in the shuffle.
Jamie was still in her dressing room when the curtains finally opened. I didn't see her beforehand, but that
