Never Knowing

I said, “Those are Julia’s earrings. They have silver leaves, just like she said. He took them from her when he—” I covered my mouth with one hand.

Billy said, “You okay, Sara?”

I shook my head.

“Take a couple of really big breaths in through your nose, try to imagine the air going deep into your lungs, then blow out through your mouth until there’s nothing left.”

“I know how to breathe, Billy. What if the earrings have blood on them and—”

“Take a deep breath.” His voice was firm.

I took a quick one. “I’m just saying he might have ripped them from her and—”

“Right now your body is going into fight-or-flight. You need to calm down or nothing I say will register. Put your hand on your chest and focus on it lifting as you breathe. Don’t think about anything but your hand. It will help, Sara.” “Fine.” I did as he suggested, holding his gaze while my chest rose and fell, my eyes conveying I’m only doing this because you’re making me.

He smiled and motioned for me to do it again. Finally he said, “I was right, wasn’t I?

I actually did feel a lot better, but I said, “Just give me a minute.” In the downstairs bathroom I splashed cold water on my face. Then I stared in the mirror at my watering eyes and flushed face, at my hair. His hair. I wanted to shave it all off.

Sandy and Billy were waiting in the kitchen. Sandy paced, Billy leaned against the counter with Moose in his arms. Moose squirmed at the sight of me and Billy let him down, saying, “All right, all right.”

Sandy smiled. “Feel better?” But the smile didn’t reach her eyes and her body radiated tension.

The earrings were in a plastic bag on the counter beside Billy. So was the box.

Evidence.

Billy got me a glass from the dish tray and ran me some water. As he handed it to me I said, “Thanks.”

He nodded and crossed his arms across his chest and leaned back against the counter. Sandy’s phone rang again and she picked it up.

“What?” Her face flushed as she said into the phone, “That’s not fucking good enough.” She frowned as she listened, running her hand through her hair until it was sticking up.

With my arms wrapped around my body, I leaned against the counter near Billy.

“I can’t believe this is happening.”

Billy said, “It’s a lot to take in.”

“Ya think?”

Sandy flashed us a look, then stalked off to the living room.

Billy lowered his voice and said, “We’ll also have someone check into the depot the package was sent from. Now that we know he has your cell number, we’ll tap it as well. Someone will be monitoring any calls to your landline or cell twenty-four hours a day.” As Billy filled me in on the process, giving me lots of details and facts, my mind began to settle and I felt my confidence come back. Billy was right, I could handle this. Then my cell rang.

Billy grabbed the phone. Sandy closed hers and ran back.

Billy said, “Same number.” Sandy nodded and Billy handed the phone to me.

Sandy said, “Okay, Sara. You can answer it now.” But I couldn’t.

It continued to ring. They stared at me.

Sandy raised her voice. “Answer the phone.”

Billy said, “It’s okay, Sara, just like we talked about. You’ve got it in the bag, you’re ready to go.”

I looked down at the phone in my hand. Every ring clamored in my head. All I had to do was pick it up. Pick it up. Pick—

The ringing stopped.

Sandy said, “Shit! We lost him.”

Billy said, “Sandy, let’s just give her a moment, okay? He’ll call back.”

“If he doesn’t, we lost our only chance to stop him.”

“I’m sorry. I just — I panicked.”

Sandy looked like she was forcing herself to sound patient. “That’s all right, Sara, most likely he’ll call back.” She tried to smile, but I was sure she wanted to slap me. She held out her hand for the phone. “When he calls I’ll pretend to be you.” Billy said, “Do you think that’s a good idea, Sandy? He’s heard her voice.” Sandy glared at him, but he just said, “Don’t worry, you’ll get your chance to rip him apart. When we catch him I’ll leave you alone in the room with him for a couple of hours.” To my surprise, Sandy started to laugh, then pretended to throw her phone at Billy, which made me laugh. The tension faded from the room and I leaned back against the counter. It was okay. If we could still laugh, it was okay.

Billy turned to me. “Sara, I know you’re scared. But I also know you can do it, or we wouldn’t ask. You just have to get over the initial fear — once you start talking you’ll do great. Got any coffee?”

Just as I pointed to the stainless-steel flask behind them on the counter, the cell rang. They spun around.

“Remember, you can do this.” Billy’s voice was low and steady and rang with conviction. “Now pick up the phone!”

I took a deep breath and answered my father’s call.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Sara. How are you?” He sounded excited — eager.

“Why do you keep calling me?” My body began to vibrate and I sat down at the kitchen table. Sandy and Billy eased themselves into chairs across from me.

“Because I’m your dad.”

“I have a dad.”

He was silent. Sandy’s hand balled on the table like it was taking all her strength not to rip the phone from my hand.

“You can call me John for now.”

I didn’t say anything.

He said, “You got my present?”

“Yes. How did you get this number?”

“It was on the Internet.” Of course, my business was listed on a Web site directory. That must’ve been how he found me in the first place. Too late I remembered Evan’s warning, You sure you want your cell number on there?

“Do you like the earrings?”

“Where did you get them from?” I knew I sounded angry, but I couldn’t stop the emotion from leaking into my voice. I glanced at Billy and he mouthed, Keep going. I didn’t look at Sandy.

John said, “Karen gave them to me.” I closed my eyes against the image his words created. He said something else, but it was drowned out by a roar from a vehicle going by.

He said, “Sorry about the background noise. I’m in my truck.”

“Where are you?”

He paused for a moment, then said, “It won’t work like that, Sara. I know you’ve probably called the cops and your landline’s tapped. But I won’t reveal anything they can use. Even if they trace this call, I know the Interior like the back of my hand. They’ll never find me.” I stared at the two cops sitting at the table with me. Did he really know I’d called them or was he just bluffing? My pulse beat loud in my ear. I had to answer fast. “I didn’t tell anyone. I thought it was just a prank.”

He paused for a moment, then said, “I guess you probably got a few prank calls. Your family must be upset. Is that why you told the papers Karen Christianson wasn’t really your mother?”

My stomach muscles tightened at the intimate tone in his voice, his casual way of speaking about my family. Then I realized I’d found my way out.

“She’s not my mother. It was just a rumor someone started. I told you—”

“I saw your Facebook photo. You’re my daughter.”