Never Knowing

only chance of ever finding him.” I closed my eyes against Billy’s words and dropped my forehead onto my desk.

He said, “I know it feels like he has all the power, but he wants a connection with you. That’s why he keeps calling back. No one knows how far we can push this. But like Sun Tzu says, ‘The opportunity of defeating the enemy is provided by the enemy himself.’ Eventually he’ll give us something to go on.” Evan was coming up the stairs.

“I have to go.”

“Okay, we’ll be in touch. Get some rest.”

Just as I set the cordless down, Evan walked in behind me and dropped into his chair. I spun around.

He said, “Was that Bill?”

God, he could read me like a book. “I had to debrief. Jesus, Evan.”

His face was blank. Part of me wanted to argue and defend, to storm out in righteous anger. My face felt hot and I was on the edge of losing it. Pull back. Flipping out won’t solve the problem.

I took a breath. “I’m sorry I lost my temper. It’s just all this stuff is so big, I really need you on my side.”

“I am on your side.”

“It sure doesn’t feel like it. I hate that you’re mad at me.”

Evan heaved a sigh, then grabbed my foot and pulled it into his lap. As he massaged it he said, “I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at this situation. It’s a nightmare.”

“You don’t think I know that? God, he could be killing some woman right now — and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“If he kills someone it’s not your fault. He’s a killer, it’s what he does.”

“But it would be my fault because I didn’t stop him.” I remembered Billy’s words. “I’m pretty much the cops’ only chance at catching him.”

“The cops are using you as bait! You don’t have to talk to him, you know. I think you should just get yourself out of this.”

“I can’t sit here and do nothing while he’s out there looking for his next victim.”

“Sara, you’re always stressed out and your emotions are all over the place.” He held up a hand. “You have every reason to be upset. But I’m worried about you.”

“Are you worried about me or about Billy?”

He gave me a look. “I’m sorry I’m being a jealous prick, okay? If you say I have nothing to worry about, then I believe you. I just hate the idea of some other guy protecting you. You’re my girl.”

I crawled into Evan’s lap and wrapped my arms around his shoulders. As I nuzzled his ear, I said, “Baby, he’s got nothing on you. And right now, he’s the one who has to deal with all my paranoid meltdowns. You get the good stuff.” “Hmm … keep talking.”

I traced my mouth along his collarbone. Licked his earlobe. Whispered against the warm flesh of his neck, “Ally?”

“Asleep on the couch with Moose. I was going to carry her up later. But I can get her now if—”

I put my face close to his and grabbed the back of his hair. He raised his eyebrows. I rested my lips on his and kissed him slowly, softly, then harder — grinding my lips against his, snaking my tongue into his mouth. As he tried to suck on it, I pulled away and smiled at him. He grabbed a length of my hair and wrapped his fist around it, then brought my face close and kissed me hard. I got up and made a come-here motion with my finger, strolling out of the room with an exaggerated sexy walk.

He laughed and followed me into our bedroom. I slid onto the bed, then tossed my hair over my shoulder and said in a bad Southern accent, “Lordy me, sailor, you’ve been out to sea for such a long time, I’m not sure if I remember what to do.…” Evan did his own sexy walk over to the bed, then pulled his shirt off over his head, one- handed — the way I love. He dangled the shirt from his finger, then dropped it to the floor as he wiggled his eyebrows.

I smiled. “I think it’s coming back to me.”

He laughed and climbed into bed beside me. We kissed for a while, our anger long gone. He scraped his unshaven cheeks against mine, laughing as I complained.

He pinned my hands down for a moment. I flashed to John. Had he done that to Julia? How did he hold the women down when he was raping them? I pushed away the violent image. Now Evan was looming over me. I saw John looming over a woman.

Evan looked down into my face. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” I pulled him on top of me, hiding my face in his neck. And for the next while, I almost believed it.

After breakfast the next morning we took Ally and Moose for a walk out to Neck Point to watch the sea lions, then Ally went over to Meghan’s to play. I was working hard on keeping John out of my mind, but Evan was working harder. I’d mention something about the case and Evan would give me a kiss, I’d mention something else and he’d nuzzle my neck, I’d try to push him away and finish my thought and he’d nibble my ear. I’d try to wiggle away and somehow my bra was coming off.

Afterward Evan and I lazed around in bed and made plans for what to serve at the wedding rehearsal dinner. Now that I’d allowed myself to relax for a moment, I started looking forward to the big event again. But it also reminded me I still needed to arrange a day to go shopping with the girls. The idea of putting up with Melanie for hours made me want to grind my teeth, but there was no way around it.

Evan and I were discussing decorations and I was getting excited about the idea of fairy lights strung through fir trees when my cell rang in the office.

I looked at Evan. He said, “Go ahead.”

A blanket wrapped around my naked body, I sprinted down the hall and grabbed the phone off my desk.

It was the number John had called from last time.

As soon as I answered he said, “Are you having a nice day?” There was a tone in his voice I hadn’t heard before — a coolness.

“It’s going all right. How about you?” I tried to sound pleasant, but I was even angrier than usual that he’d called and ruined what had been a nice afternoon.

“Is Evan there?”

Still unsure of his tone, I said, “He’s here … but he’s not in the room, if you’re—”

“Have you been honest with me, Sara?”

My stomach dropped. “Of course.”

“Have. You. Been. Honest?”

I sat down in my chair. Did he know I’ve been talking to the police? Oh, God, did he find out about Ally?

“What’s wrong?”

“I saw the Web site.”

My mind raced. Had there been another article?

“I’m not sure what—”

“It’s all there.” What was he talking about? I decided to wait him out.

After a few beats he said, “You have a wedding date — you’re trying to trick me.”

“I don’t know what…” Then I remembered Evan had made a wedding Web site a couple of weeks ago. How was I going to get out of this?

“We had a date set. But lately we’ve been talking about changing it. That’s why I said we weren’t sure. I wasn’t lying to you. I wouldn’t do that.” I held my breath.

He hung up.

I was still sitting there a couple of minutes later when Evan came in and sat behind me at his desk.

“Was it him?” he said.

I nodded.