Never Knowing

Evan said, “I’ll go ahead with Ally.” He caught up to her and took her hand. Following behind, I answered the phone.

“God, Billy, what are we going to do?”

It was Sandy. “Billy’s on the other line. What happened? How did Ally get the phone?”

“It was on the table, I just turned my back for a second.”

“Sara, we went over this. You knew if he caught you in a lie he’d probably kill Danielle.”

“I didn’t know Ally was going to answer it — she’s not supposed to, but I’ve been on it so much lately she just—”

“It shouldn’t have been out of your hands for a second.”

I raised my voice. “I’m going to hang up if you keep talking to me like this, Sandy.”

She was silent for a moment, and when she spoke again her voice was calm.

“The calls came from Clearwater, which is north of Kamloops, but we’ll put a patrol car on your street tomorrow and have someone follow you when you leave.”

“You think he’s coming this way?”

“We don’t know where he’s going.”

My heart was going nuts in my chest. “What about Ally? She has school and—”

“Talk to her teachers, tell them there’s a custody issue. Make sure they know she’s not to go with anyone. Take her right to her class, and tell her to wait with her teacher until you pick her up. Don’t let her out of your sight.” “You don’t think — he wouldn’t hurt Ally, would he?”

“All we know is that he’s very angry and a woman’s probably dead by now because of this.”

“Stop blaming me, Sandy. Maybe if you were doing your job, he wouldn’t be calling in the first place. Why aren’t there more men on this?”

“We have every member of Serious Crimes on this now, but it’s a process—”

“Well, your process isn’t working.”

This time I hung up the phone and stalked toward the car with self-righteous anger spurring me on. But then I thought of Danielle and my mind filled with images of her dying on a forest floor, clawing at mounds of earth, begging for her life. And the truth burned like acid in my gut. It was my fault.

The ride home was silent, Evan’s face tense when he reached over and held my hand. Grateful for the warmth, I stared out the windshield, blinking back tears.

Evan said, “Do you think you should talk to your family?”

I shook my head. “Sandy would have a bird, but I don’t want to drag anyone else into this anyway.”

“They might start wondering why you’re so distracted.”

“They’re pretty used to me being obsessed about something. I’ll just say I’m busy with the wedding or behind with work, which I am.” Another wave of anxiety swamped me when I thought of all the e-mails I’d been ignoring.

“Maybe you should think about taking some time off.”

“I’ve spent years building my business — I can’t just drop everything.”

“You can build it back up.”

“I’m just a little behind — I can handle it.” I was a lot more than a little behind.

“Then maybe you and Ally should come up to the lodge with me for a while.”

“Ally’s already struggling in class. I can’t pull her out now. And the lodge is so remote. If anything happened up there…” I used to love going to Evan’s lodge and hanging out in Tofino: the West Coast hippie lifestyle mixing with five-star resorts, organic coffee shops with hemp-seed muffins, the rustic art galleries and kayak shops. But now all I could think about was the small police station, the hours of driving on a winding road through the mountains with no cell coverage.

“Then I’ll take some time off.”

I gave him a look. “And how are you going to do that? You just told me yesterday the lodge was booked for the rest of the summer.”

He groaned. “I hate not being here for you. I should be taking care of you and Ally.”

Even though Ally was in the back listening to Evan’s iPod, I lowered my voice.

“We’ll be fine. The police are watching the house and we have an alarm. Besides, you’ll be home for the next couple of days. But I can’t see him coming to the island — he always ignores me when he’s pissed off.” “I want you to be extra careful.”

“No kidding.”

We lapsed into silence.

After a while I said, “Maybe he already let her go. You know, before he called.”

“Maybe.” Evan gave my hand a squeeze. But he didn’t look me in the eye.

That’s why I didn’t want to wait until Wednesday to see you. I couldn’t wait. All I’ve been doing is waiting. The whole weekend Evan and I watched the news religiously. We jumped out of our skin every time the phone rang, but my cell never went off except when Billy eventually called and told me the same stuff as Sandy, minus the part where she made me feel like I’d just signed Danielle’s death warrant. When I said everything felt totally out of control, he told me again to get a copy of that book he’s always quoting from. He said, “It’s the only thing that helps me when I’m worried about the investigation. I review the files and focus on strategies. ‘The skillful warrior does not rely on the enemy’s not coming, but on his own preparedness.’ I think of every possible scenario or direction the case might take, then I prepare for each event.” I said, “Wow. When do you sleep?”

He laughed. “I don’t.” I was surprised because I figured him for the type to hit the sheets and be out in ninety seconds like Evan. It was nice to know I’m not the only one who gets obsessed and can’t sleep.

When I told him Evan was home for the weekend, he sounded relieved and told me to hang in there. I asked him when he was going to be back on the island and he said Monday, which is today, so I’m sure I’ll hear from him soon. Sandy’s staying behind. I guess until they find Danielle …

Evan stayed home as long as he could, even Sunday night, which is when he normally leaves. Poor guy had to get up at four this morning to head back to the lodge. We held each other at the door for a long time. After he left, I climbed into bed with Ally and snuggled next to her until it was time to get up for school.

I saw Danielle’s parents on TV a couple of times. Evan told me to stop watching, but I couldn’t. Her mom doesn’t look very old. Maybe she had Danielle when she was young like me with Ally. I wondered if she warned her to be careful before she left on her camping trip or if she told her to have fun.

SESSION TWELVE

Thanks for fitting me in. You’ll hear about this tonight on the news, but I wanted to tell you myself. If I can, that is. All the way here I practiced saying the words out loud, but … it’s just so hard. I haven’t even told Evan yet — he’s out on the boat. But I have to tell someone. I have to get this feeling out of me. I feel like Lady Macbeth trying to wash the blood off her hands.

This morning Billy arrived at my door with his BlackBerry gripped tight in his hand — and a look in his eyes that made my stomach drop.

“She’s dead, isn’t she?”

“Let’s talk.”