Never Knowing

We went into the living room. Even though it was sunny my body started to shiver. As soon as Billy sat in the armchair beside the couch Moose leaped into his arms. This time Billy just gave him a quick pat and put him back on the floor. He met my eyes, his face serious.

“They found her body this morning.”

I tried to process what he’d just told me, but my brain felt sluggish.

“Where?”

“Wells Gray Park. It’s the closest to Clearwater, so we’d searched there first, but it’s over five hundred thousand hectares. We might not have found her if some hikers hadn’t wandered off a trail. Looks like Danielle was killed within a few hours of his call.” Hearing Danielle’s name made her death brutally real. I thought about John depersonalizing his victims — if only I could do the same.

“Was she…”

“She wasn’t raped, but she was strangled.” Billy’s voice was steady, but he kept flipping his BlackBerry around and around in his hand.

I frowned. “That’s not his usual way—”

“We don’t know why he deviated from his pattern — the situation with you may have made it difficult for him to complete his ritual — but we’re sure it’s him. We’re still investigating the scene. Looks like he let her out at the side of the road, then chased her into the woods.” A sick feeling washed over me. “Oh, God. I told him to leave her at the side of a road.”

“He may have been trying to do just that. But then she started to run and it excited him, or something else triggered him.”

“He didn’t rape her, though.”

“And that may have had something to do with you humanizing her — or because of the similarity between the two of you.”

“You mean because we have the same hair?”

“She was probably chosen because of her resemblance to you, so this attack wasn’t sexually motivated. It was an attempt to connect with you.”

“And now she’s dead.”

Tears were leaking out of my eyes. Billy reached over and gripped my shoulder.

“Hey. Stop. This isn’t your fault.”

“But it is, really. And I’m sure Sandy thinks it is.”

He let go of my shoulder. “Sandy knows you’re not to blame.”

“Where is she?”

“Talking to the family.”

Anxiety hummed in my chest. “Will they know what really happened?”

“They’ll know the Campsite Killer’s the main suspect and we’re doing everything we can to catch him.”

I put my hand over my mouth, trying to hold back a sob. Billy set his phone down on the side table and leaned close.

“You okay?”

I shook my head. “This is horrible. I just wanted to find my birth mother and now two people are dead because of me.”

“They’re dead because of him. And when we catch him you’ll have helped save who knows how many women, Sara.”

“But we probably won’t catch him now. He’s never going to call back.”

“Actually, there’s a pretty good chance he will. After a murder the killer enters a state of calm, it’s a release — some describe the feeling as euphoric. He can’t talk about it with anyone else, so he may try to share it with you.” “He doesn’t trust me anymore.”

“He’s angry you withheld something, but we believe his curiosity and desire for a family is going to win out. He’s going to want to know about his grandchild.”

“What do I say if he calls again?”

“Just apologize. We don’t want him sensing another lie, so confess and ask for forgiveness. This will give him the feeling he has control over you again.”

“He does have control.”

“You can pull the plug anytime, Sara. No one will think any less of you if you do. We’ll get him one day — he has to make a mistake eventually.”

This was my chance. I could walk away from the nightmare and move on with my life. My mind filled with images of how life was a few months ago, relaxed, easy, full of fun and laughter. Everything in me wanted to go back to that time, wanted to unload this enormous burden, this desperate trapped feeling. All I had to say was yes, one simple word and it was all over.

For me.

“Sara?”

It was too late. I’d already gone too far.

“No. We have to catch him — I don’t want him to hurt anyone else.”

He nodded a couple of times and picked up his phone.

“We’re going to make sure he doesn’t.”

I gave him a shaky smile. “Are you sure you want such a stress case on your team?”

“You’re not so bad.” He smiled and stood up. “But I better get back to the station.”

I walked to the door with him. “Did anyone see him in the area?”

“We don’t have any witnesses, but we’re still working on finding out where he bought the jack plane and trying to learn everything we can about the dolls.”

“Did the DNA…”

“The hair samples match two of the victims, yes.”

I took a deep breath. “Do you think I’m in danger?”

“We want to make sure you’re safe — that’s why there’s a car on the street — but every time he’s made a threat it’s been aimed at other people, never at you. If he comes after you or your family, the dialogue will stop.”

Outside on the front step I said, “I can’t believe she’s dead. This is just so awful.” I blinked back tears.

“I’m sorry, Sara. I know how much you wanted a happy ending for Danielle. Trust me — I did too.” His voice was tense and frustrated. He rested both hands on my shoulders and looked me straight in the eye. “You have to shake this off and focus on how we’re going to stop him. It’s the only thing we can do for Danielle now.” Billy still had one hand gripping my shoulder when we heard a car come ripping down the driveway, radio blasting. Billy stepped away from me immediately.

As soon as I saw the car I said, “It’s my sister.”

Melanie smirked through the window as she parked in front.

Billy walked toward his SUV. As he passed by Melanie she said, “Howdy, Officer. What’s your hurry?”

He gave her a big smile and a wink. “Oh, you know, catching bad guys. Boring things like that.” He stopped at his truck door and over the hood of the SUV said, “I’ll let you know about the other pieces tomorrow, Sara.”

“Sure, no problem.”

As he drove off with a honk of his horn, Melanie sauntered up the front steps and raised her eyebrows. I rolled my eyes, turned, and walked into the house. This time I didn’t wait for her innuendos.

“God, Melanie, I am not messing around with Billy. He’s a client and a friend. I’m in love with Evan and marrying him, remember?” I walked to the kitchen with Melanie hot on my heels.

“I remember, but I’m not sure your friend Billy does. He’s into you.”

I poured myself a fresh cup of coffee but didn’t offer her one, hoping she’d leave soon.

“You don’t have a clue what you’re talking about. You’ve seen him twice and both times he was flirting with you.”

“But I’m not the one he likes.” She shrugged. “Look, I don’t know why he’d be into you either, but he is.” She sat at the kitchen table.

“Nice. And he’s not ‘into me.’ What are you doing here anyway?” I leaned against the counter.