Never Knowing

She looked hard at me. “I want you to meet with him, Sara. For me.”

I gasped. “What?”

She leaned forward. “You’re their only chance of catching him. If you don’t talk to him, he’s going to kill more people. He’s going to rape and kill another woman this summer.”

We stared at each other. A pulse beat at the base of her throat. The cat leaped off the ottoman and stalked off.

“That’s why Sandy was here today, isn’t it?”

Her eyes widened in surprise and she sat back.

“I saw her leaving, Julia. Did she tell you to say this stuff to me?”

She said, “She didn’t tell me anything.”

We held gazes. I knew she was lying, but she didn’t even blink.

I said, “What about my life? What about my child?”

Her hands shook in her lap. “If you turn your back on this, then you’re a murderer.”

I stood up. “I’m leaving.”

She followed me to the door. “It disgusted me that I had you inside me for nine months, it sickened me knowing you were out there in the world — that something of his lived.”

Her words froze me at the door and I stared at her, waiting for the pain to hit, like when you cut yourself and first see the blood, but your mind doesn’t realize yet how badly you’ve been hurt.

“But if you stop him,” she said, “it will have been worth it.”

I wanted to tell her everything she was saying was unfair and cruel, but my throat was tight and my face hot as I tried not to cry. Then the anger left her face, her body sagged, and when she looked at me her eyes were desperate, defeated.

“I can’t sleep. As long as he’s out there I’ll never be able to sleep.”

I threw myself out the door, slamming it behind me, ran crying to the Cherokee, and jammed into reverse. I tried to call Evan as soon as I was back on the road, but he didn’t answer. After a few miles my hurt and anger had segued into guilt. Was she right? If I didn’t set up another meeting and John killed someone, was I a murderer?

Normally when I drive up the Malahat Highway from Victoria I take it slow and focus on the road — with one side a sheer drop and the other a rock wall, there’s no room for error — but today I was speeding around the corners, my hands gripping the wheel. When I reached the summit and started down the other side where the road opens back up into two lanes, I called Sandy.

“That was low, even for you.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You know damn well.” As I came too close to another car on a sharp bend I forced myself to slow down.

“Did something go wrong?”

“You can drop the act, Sandy. I saw you leave her house.”

She was silent.

“I’m not dealing with you anymore.” I hung up.

I tried to call Evan, but he still didn’t answer. I had to talk to someone. Billy answered on the first ring.

“I want Sandy off the case. I won’t work with her.”

“Uh-oh. What’s going on?”

“I just drove all the way down to Victoria to see my birth mother — because I stupidly thought she might actually want to visit — but it turns out she was just trying to talk me into meeting John. I got there early, and saw Sandy leaving her house. She talked Julia into it! Did you know about this?” “I know Sandy’s been speaking to her, Julia’s a very important witness. But I don’t believe she was trying to set up—”

“Don’t you think it’s pretty convenient she just happened to be there on the same day?”

Billy was quiet for a moment. “Would you like me to speak to her?”

“What’s the point? God, I feel like such an idiot for thinking Julia really wanted a visit. But she just…” I stopped as tears threatened again.

Billy said, “Where are you right now?”

“Coming back from Victoria.”

“Why don’t I grab some coffee and sandwiches and I’ll meet you at your house? We can talk about it, okay?”

“Really? You don’t mind?”

“Not at all. Call me when you’re closer to Nanaimo.”

The rest of the drive I rehearsed all the things I wanted to say to Sandy, but Julia’s voice kept breaking in. If you stop him, it will have been worth it.

When I pulled in my driveway, Billy stepped out of his SUV with a smile, holding a tray with two Tim Hortons coffee cups and a brown paper bag.

“There’s not much Timmy can’t fix.”

“Not so sure about that.” I smiled.

“Well, we can try.” After I let Moose into the backyard, Billy and I sat on the back patio and tucked into our sandwiches.

I studied him across the table. “Do you think I’m a murderer if I don’t meet with John?”

“Where did you get that?”

“That’s what Julia said.”

“Ouch.” His eyes radiated sympathy.

“Yeah. Evan said it wouldn’t be my fault if he kills someone.”

“Of course it isn’t. As a police officer I always feel responsible when a suspect gets away, but I just try to learn from it and do a better job next time.”

As we worked on our sandwiches I thought about what he’d said. But Billy wasn’t done with the subject.

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, Sara. But if you choose not to meet him, you can’t blame yourself for the rest of your life when he does something.”

“The thing is, if it was just up to me I would try to set up another meeting. I was going to call and tell you that, but Evan flipped out. There’s no way he’d let me do it again.”

“He’s just trying to protect you.”

“I get that, but he doesn’t torture himself like I do. I know it sounds nuts, but it’s like I can feel everything those victims feel, what their families feel. Don’t you ever feel like that when you work a case? Like you’re losing yourself?” “It’s hard, but you learn to compartmentalize.”

I sighed. “That’s my problem. I can’t separate from anything. Even when I was a kid I had a one-track mind. Dad used to hate it because I’d be right into something for a while and I’d go on and on about it for days, then the next week it was something else.” I laughed. “What were you like as a kid?” “I got into trouble all the time — fighting, drinking, stealing. My dad kicked me out when I was seventeen and I had to live at a friend’s.”

“Wow! That’s awful.”

“It worked out for the best.” He shrugged. “I joined a gym near my house, and this old cop who taught kickboxing took me out on a few ride-alongs. He talked me into being a cop or I’d probably be behind bars.”

“I’m glad you decided to be one of the good guys.”

“Me too.” He was grinning.

“Are you and your dad close now?”

“He’s a pastor. All he cares about is church and God, in that order.”