Never Knowing

once.

Since I changed my numbers the calls from John have stopped. The first couple of days were hard — I checked my locks and the alarm constantly — but when nothing happened I started to relax. Evan was right, I should have done this a long time ago. No more jumping up, no more checking my cell every ten seconds. I haven’t watched the news or Googled anything. I’m even getting caught up with some projects — yesterday I returned a ton of e-mail quotes. It’s like I was addicted to some horrible drug, and now that I’m sober I can’t believe how much it had taken over my life. But this is it. I’ve quit for good.

SESSION SIXTEEN

You know what really bugs me? From the outside looking in, everyone thinks Evan is the calm rational one and I’m the crazy one. I even go along with it. I think, God, I shouldn’t have flipped out like that, why do I always overreact so much? It’s not until later when I trace it back to try to figure out why I blew up that I realize Evan tossed a lit match at my feet when he already knew I was standing in a pool of gasoline.

Like this morning. I’m trying to get Ally ready for school and she’s going through all her clothes trying to decide what to wear. She finally picks a red shirt, but then she’s worried her headband doesn’t match, so she has to go through all her clothes again. Then Moose, who decided this is a great time to get some sort of bacterial infection that requires antibiotics three times a day, will not eat anything that has a pill in it no matter how cleverly disguised. So I’m chasing him around the kitchen, trying to get the thing down his throat, while Ally’s screaming, “You’re hurting him!” Food is landing on me, on the dog, on the kid, and on the floor. Then Evan, my sweet, kind, rational fiance, walks in, looks at the mess, and says, “Jeez, I hope you’re cleaning that up.” Are you kidding me?

So of course I lose it. “Get the hell off my back, Evan. If it bothers you so much, clean it up yourself.” Then he storms outside, pissed at me for yelling at him. He didn’t talk to me for an hour, which isn’t like him at all. I can’t stand it when someone gives me the silent treatment, so I end up apologizing, then later I’m like, wait a minute — why didn’t he apologize for picking the worst time in the world to get on my case?

We talked about it right before I came here and he said he was sorry for his comment, but I know he’s still pissed off. Then on the way here I remembered what you said last session, that Evan might be feeling resentful of all the time I’m spending on the John situation. I didn’t think so then because we’d been getting along great, but this week something changed, and now everything’s changed. No one’s having much fun right now — except maybe John.

The day after our last appointment I got a call from Sandy.

“Julia would like to talk to you. She tried to call you but you’ve changed your numbers.”

“What does she want to talk about?”

“I don’t know, Sara.” She sounded annoyed. “She just asked me to give you her home number.” I could imagine how much Sandy loved playing messenger. The thought made me smile.

“Thanks. I’ll call her right now.” But I didn’t. Instead I made a cup of coffee, then sat at the table with the phone in front of me. The woman could make me feel horrible and I had enough of that going on. Maybe I shouldn’t call her back at all. Give her a taste of her own medicine. I lasted two minutes.

She answered on the first ring.

“Sandy said you wanted to talk to me?”

“I’d like to see you in person so we can talk privately.”

“Oh. Okay. I, um, can’t really go anywhere today, I have to pick up Ally soon, and—”

“Tomorrow’s fine. What time can you be here?”

“Maybe around eleven?”

“I’ll see you then.” She hung up, leaving me with no explanation and the urge to call her back and tell her I wasn’t coming. But there was no way I could do that, which pissed me off. She probably knew it too. That pissed me off even more.

Evan wasn’t keen about me driving all the way down to Victoria when we still didn’t know where John was, but he understood I had to find out why Julia had called. I promised I’d be careful, then proceeded to speculate about a million possible reasons she might want to see me, until he finally said, “Sara, you’ll find out tomorrow. Go to bed.” “But why do you think she—”

“I have no idea. Now go to bed. Please.”

I did, but I stayed awake for hours, wondering what to wear, how to speak. This visit felt so different. She’d asked to see me. She wanted to see me.

The next morning I headed straight down to Victoria after I dropped Ally off at school. I was almost a half hour early, so I grabbed a coffee from a shop near Julia’s house, remembered there’s a public beach close to her place, and drove down that way. As I passed by her house I noticed a woman coming out the side door. She ran her hand through her hair.

No way.

I pulled into a neighbor’s driveway, then watched in my rearview mirror as Sandy crossed the street and got into an unmarked police car. What was she doing in Victoria? She called yesterday and never mentioned it. Of course, I didn’t mention my upcoming visit either. After Sandy drove by I pulled out and continued to the beach. For twenty minutes or so I stared out at the ocean, sipping my coffee and thinking about what I’d just seen. They might’ve been going over the case, but the timing seemed odd.

I drove back to Julia’s house. She smiled briefly as she answered my knock, her lips tight against her teeth. Even though it was the middle of June, she was dressed all in black in a long skirt and a sleeveless tunic. She looked pale and her bangs were a sharp line against her forehead. I smiled back and tried to make eye contact. See how harmless I am? How lovable? But her eyes flicked away as she ushered me in with a quick movement of her hand.

“Would you like some tea?”

“No, thanks.”

She didn’t offer anything else, just gestured for me to follow her to the living room. As we passed through an enormous kitchen with gleaming marble countertops and cherry cabinets, I spotted two mugs on the counter. I wondered if one had been for Sandy.

The living room was more formal than my taste and as I eyed the white couch and matching love seat I tried to imagine Ally there. The Himalayan cat reclined on a leather ottoman in the middle of the room, glaring at me as it flicked its tail. I sat on the love seat, Julia perched on the couch in front of me and smoothed her skirt down her legs. She gazed out at the ocean for a long time before she spoke.

“I heard you won’t talk to him anymore.”

Where was she going with this?

“That’s right,” I said.

“You’re the only one who might be able to stop him.”

My body tensed. “Would you want to talk to him?”

“That’s different.”

I felt bad for my comment and said, “Evan, my fiance, we decided it’s too risky.”