Never Knowing

I got to my feet and headed down the path toward the outdoor bathroom at the far end of the parking lot. My eyes frantically searched the hills, the beach, decks of the houses overlooking the lagoon. Was he watching me? I glanced back over my shoulder. The policewoman on the hill was packing up her things and talking into a cell phone. Once I reached the parking lot I passed by Billy and the other cops. Billy was talking into his phone too, but he gave me a nod. Did that mean I should keep going?

On my right, I spotted the policewoman with the stroller heading to the bathroom. She almost made it to the entry before me, but an older woman leaving the bathroom started talking to her — gesturing like she was asking for directions. I hesitated at the entrance, but if I waited any longer it was going to look weird. I took a deep breath and went in.

Thankfully no one was in the bathroom, so I went to the last stall and eased open the door. At first glance there was nothing unusual — it must be in the toilet tank. I wondered if I should wait before checking, but I didn’t know how long I had until John called back. With shaky hands, I lifted the lid off the tank. A Barbie doll floated facedown in the water. I knew I shouldn’t touch it. I flipped it over with my pinky nail.

The face was melted off.

I tore out of the bathroom, almost bumping into the policewoman, and raced to the Cherokee. My hands shook as I fit my key in the door lock. Finally I was racing down the road — my cell rang. I caught my breath, but it was just Billy.

“You okay, Sara?”

“Ally, she’s at school and—”

“We have someone watching the school right now.”

“I want to talk to Evan.”

“We need to go over some things with you—”

“Now, Billy.” I hung up.

Evan called right away. “You okay?”

“No.” I told him about the Barbie.

“Jesus. Billy said he was a no-show, but he didn’t—”

“I don’t feel good.”

“What do you mean?”

“I have a migraine and my heart’s beating really fast. It’s hard to breathe and my chest feels all tight.”

“It’s probably just from the anxiety and—”

I raised my voice. “It’s not a panic attack, Evan. Jesus. I think I know what a panic attack feels like. I forgot my pills.”

His tone was calm. “Sara, just pull over.” I heard voices in the background

“I can’t — what if he’s following me?” When Evan didn’t answer right away, I said, “Did Billy say where he’s calling from?”

“He…” Evan cleared his throat. “He said John’s in Nanaimo.”

I was silent with dread, waiting for Evan to finish.

“They said it looks like he was driving around the north end when he called, but his phone’s shut off now.”

“So the whole time he could’ve been watching me.”

“Maybe you should drive to the station. We can meet you there and—”

“I’m going to check on Ally.”

“The police already—”

“I’m going to check on Ally, then I’m going home.”

He was quiet for a moment. “Okay, I’ll tell them.”

I got to Ally’s school just as she was heading back in from recess. She was thrilled to see me, wanting me to say hello to all her friends. I told her I’d come by to give her a hug, and I did — a long one. Over her shoulder I spotted Sandy’s Tahoe parked at the end of the block. When Ally went back to her classroom I talked with the officers sitting outside in the car, who assured me John wouldn’t get by them. Fifteen minutes later I turned onto our street and Sandy passed me in the Tahoe. When I pulled into our driveway she was parked in front of the house. Evan met me at the door and grabbed me for a hug.

“There’s been a patrol car on the road watching the house the whole time. Sandy’s checked everything inside — it’s all clear.”

“Thank God. I have to get my pills.”

I kicked off my shoes and raced up to the bathroom. When I came out Evan was already closing the blinds in the bedroom and had a cool cloth in a bowl of ice on the night table. I turned off the lights and lay on the bed, my hand pressed against my still-racing heart.

Focus. Breathe. It’s okay. You’re safe now.

Evan whispered, “Want me to stay with you?” but even his soft voice burrowed like daggers into my temple.

I shook my head and pulled the pillow over my face.

“I’ll check on you in a while.” He gently closed the door behind him.

A few minutes later I heard Evan and Sandy talking downstairs. Sounds of a vehicle outside, then another male voice. I rolled into a fetal position, focused on my breathing, and let the pills take me away.

When I woke up it was the middle of the night. Evan was lying beside me.

“Want some water, baby?”

I murmured a yes and he warned me to cover my eyes when he turned on the lamp. He filled up a glass in the bathroom and carefully handed it to me in the dim light.

I sat up. “Thanks.”

Our voices hushed, he filled me in on everything that happened after I fell asleep. Billy stayed at the house with me while Sandy and Evan picked up Ally from school. Evan told Ally that Sandy and Billy were friends from the lodge and were going to be staying with us for a while. Ally didn’t seem to mind and in fact loved Sandy, of all people. Now Billy was sleeping on the couch downstairs and Sandy in the spare room beside Ally.

I said, “Sandy must be so pissed about what happened today.”

“She’s okay. She kind of reminds me of how you get when you’re obsessed by something.”

“Gee, thanks.”

He laughed softly.

“What are we going to do, Evan?”

“We’ll just have to play it safe for the next couple of days and see if he calls again. This is exactly what I was afraid of, though.”

“What?”

“That something wouldn’t go right and he’d be even more of a threat.”

“They would’ve got him if he hadn’t found out I was lying about Ally.”

“I didn’t think you should be telling him anything about Ally in the first place.”

“I had to tell him something, and I really don’t need the I-told-you-so.”

“Sorry.” Evan took a deep breath. “I just don’t ever want to go through another day like today.”

“Me neither. The thing that worries me the most is, how did he know I was lying?” We were both silent for a moment. “You don’t think he’s been talking to someone we know?”

“None of our friends are stupid enough to share personal details about your daughter with a stranger, Sara.”

“It could be someone from her school — a teacher or one of the other parents, even one of the kids or something. Or…”

“What?”

“Melanie works at a bar,” I said. “What if he came in and said he had a six-year-old daughter or something?